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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 07/02/2018 13:53

I wouldn't pour water on him, but my mum did have to resort to pulling the duvet off me, opening the curtains, and ringing a cold wet flannel out over my head a few times. Is he going to bed at a reasonable time, and getting enough sleep at night? Not up on his mobile or whatever until stupid o' clock?

billybagpuss · 07/02/2018 13:53

Can you ask the Dr for advise while you're there with the baby?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2018 13:55

Poor boy. He needs serious help and Dad can't be bothered, Mum doesn't care, Auntie's too busy. He's already lost, isn't he?

OP, all it takes it two phone calls. One to the school and one to Social Services.

Stop a minute and think "What if this were my child"?. Because it very well could be, some day. Depression and mental illness are no respecters of family, money, position, or 'busyness'. They hit every strata of society, regardless of the love, care, and attention we give the one afflicted as a child, or as an adult.

Have some compassion.

Peregrane · 07/02/2018 13:55

A suicidal child and his mother won't take him to the GP or even call him while she is away?

Words fail.

You are still family for this boy... if you could find it in yourself to call the school's pastoral care at least to check if this is on their radar screen, that would probably be a good thing, even if your sister kicks up a fuss. It sounds like she is failing in something quite fundamental as a parent - I get that she must be feeling overwhelmed, but even so.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 07/02/2018 13:57

My boys are of a similar age. Given the choice they would stay up all night staring at screens and sleep all day. (That’s why I say no gadgets in the bedroom).

But I couldn’t bear the thought of my child being left to cope without any help. Is your sister dismissive of his depression? She doesn’t seem to take it seriously. I can only say what I would do in that situation. Could your sister look for some support to enable her to cope better? Maybe she doesn’t feel that she has the capabilities to deal with this so is dismissing it?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 07/02/2018 13:58

Poor kidSad

Boatsonthewater · 07/02/2018 14:02

I think you need to make an appointment to see his head of year as soon as possible. Explain exactly what is going on and ask what the school are doing to address the problem. Do they have a counsellor on site for pupils? Most schools do these days. The school need to be aware he is depressed and struggling and put things in place to support him. Take him to the GP and explain the situation, and ask for a referral.

Try to be kind and gentle with him. I don't think shock tactics work for someone in his situation . He sounds overwhelmed and unable to cope. He needs to know someone cares enough about him to reach out to him. I think your sister has been completely out of order to dump him on you like this, but she is probably drowning herself. Try to be there for both of them, they need support, both of them. I know how hard it must be with children yourself, you haven't the resources to do much, but do what you can.

Take your nephew a cup of tea and ask him gently how he's feeling, why he isn't going to school, if there is any way you can help, and then make those appointments.

Ginkypig · 07/02/2018 14:03

Is he getting up at all? When/if he is up what is he like? Mood/behaviour etc

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 14:05

He is suicidal.
This is way too close to home for me.
I am absolutely appalled by this.
This poor boy desperately needs help.
There are charities and voluntary organisations that can help.
Maybe a call to MIND or Samaritains at the very least.
NHS generally useless but even so, his gp should be informed.
Anyone can call a gp and leave a message. I have done this for a complete stranger in the past.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/02/2018 14:06

Not going to school sounds the least of his worries, being depressed with parents in low contact must be very hard.

He needs support put in place. When your sister returns she needs told that she has to get him help. Could parents support you with talking to her? And could his Dad also be told?

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 07/02/2018 14:08

What about calling Childline or the NSPCC (you, not him). They might be able to talk you through how to help your sister, and your nephew.

Palavapalava · 07/02/2018 14:15

Sorry but your sister isn’t being a good parent and is either neglectful or burying her head in the sand - neither crown her in glory. No, he’s not your responsibility but he is your nephew and whilst you’re clearly resentful of being put in this position, he needs help and it’s coming from no one.

He’s got nothing in his room to interest him, he’s 14, diagnosed as depressed and is literally staying in bed doing nothing because he is so down he has no motivation to get up.

Does the boy have to hurt himself or worse to get noticed?

Call the school, please. Tell them the situation. Email them, put them on notice. Tell your sister that she needs to pull her head out of the sand and help her child. Working away and not calling him for an entire week is disgusting without even factoring in the fact that he's depressed.

It’s obviously stressful for you to have all you have to deal with and then get landed with this on top but turning away from the situation shouldn’t be an option here - he could do something very serious to himself if he doesn’t get help

Hissy · 07/02/2018 14:25

She hasn't spoke to him once since he has been here (since Saturday night) and she returns Friday evening.

He's depressed?

Hmm... wonder why? his mum gives not a shiny shit about him, his dad neither...

I agree you need to scale this up and call the school, get their help with this and then tear your sister's head off.

I know you have 4 kids and too much on your plate, but this lad needs someone to care enough to get him up and moving, it might not be today, but he has to know that he is important.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 14:29

Sorry can't respond to everything right now but he's not officially diagnosed with depression he told his mum he is depressed and told his cousin (who told his mum) that he is suicidal.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 07/02/2018 14:33

Is there anyone in the family, or a close friend, that has time and willingness to engage with this child.

I'm frankly appalled at your attitude and at your sister's. Having other children is no excuse for ignoring this child that's staying with you. You can make time to speak to his GP, to call school and to get someone to actually listen and do something.

This boy needs help before he becomes another terrible statistic. You and your family need to pull your fingers out and do something.

IndigoMoonFlower · 07/02/2018 14:36

Definitely talk to his head of year at school. Sorry youre going through this DancingFairy, I really hope you find a way forwards. Could you try sitting in the room and getting him to talk to you so you can get to the bottom of why hes avoiding school? Food usually helps teenage boys motivation too.

BrendasUmbrella · 07/02/2018 14:39

he's not officially diagnosed with depression he told his mum he is depressed and told his cousin (who told his mum) that he is suicidal

That's different. I know some won't agree, but I went to my doctor telling him I felt depressed and he said there's a difference between feeling low and actual depression. The first thing his DM needs to do is take him to the GP.

As presumably he doesn't intend to go to school this week, I'd leave a message on the answerphone saying that he's refusing to go in, don't make up excuses. Then try and get an appointment with his doctor, and see if you can get a referral to CAMHS started. I assume as his current guardian you could do that. Do you have more free time in your week than your DSis does? It would be nice if you could help.

QueenArseClangers · 07/02/2018 14:41

What endoftheline says with bells on.

Poor lad. You need to inform school of his illness and if he has self- harming thoughts that you think he might act upon then get to A&E or at least contact a health professional.

onalongsabbatical · 07/02/2018 14:41

I don't really know what to advise, but as someone who was abandoned as a depressed child fifty years ago, this makes me really sad.
Actually, all I can say is, please reach out to him. Somehow. Poor, poor child. I agree you've been dumped in the shit, and I agree his mum may be at her wits end, but none of that is his fault, and someone needs to show him some love until it gets through to him.
Otherwise you and your sister might be living the rest of your lives with his suicide on your conscience. And I'm not trying to guilt-trip you, just pointing out that possible deadly seriousness of this.

So sorry I can't be of more help.

Reach out somehow for help for you to find a way of coping with it, IRL, I mean? (Obviously that's what you're doing here, but we're all helpless to actually do anything).

Meadwaymumof4 · 07/02/2018 14:43

Your sister will get fined if he’s not in enough.
My ds has been a bugger for getting in late more than once. I told him he can pay his fine when it comes, he’s a bit more motivated now.

Meadwaymumof4 · 07/02/2018 14:46

Also you sound like a amazing sister. When my ds attendance was at rock bottom I asked her to have him for one day as I felt like I was going to have a stroke and she said no. We hit rock bottom and then it improved. I had never ever been so at my wits end and I have lived though a lot of crap

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 14:47

The last kid I knew who told his friend he was suicidal took an overdose the next day.
He survived.
Just.
I am so upset by this thread.

onalongsabbatical · 07/02/2018 14:50

I am so upset by this thread. Me too.

vespertillio · 07/02/2018 14:51

What a difficult situation - but I do think his getting out of bed and engaging with the world a little would help. I'd not just open the curtains but also open the window very wide, take away the duvet and ask him calmly to get dressed and come down for a chat then get in touch with the school. I'm shocked at your sister's behaviour, but if you feel able for it, you could really help him here, unfair and all as it must seem that you're having to handle it right now.

steppemum · 07/02/2018 14:56

Op I think you are in a veyr difficult situation.

Please phone the school, hold on to speak to reception, ask them to get a member of staff with some sort of pastoral care to phone you bakc.
When they do, explain what you have told us on this thread, he id depressed, he has told his cousin he is suicidal, his mum won't take him ot a doctor, he is in bed and non responsive, won't answer when you speak to him etc.

You are very concerned about him, and very concerned that his mum's response is 'What can I do?'

Ask school to get involved.

You may not be able to get him out of bed/to school, but your call coudl be the key to getting him some help.

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