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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 19:34

I'm no calling ss my family would disown me. He's not being abused or neglected, far from it infact. He's actually quite spoilt. My sister works very hard to ensure he has everything he wants and more. She (IMO) sees depression as a weakness which I think is why she's brushing over it.

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onalongsabbatical · 07/02/2018 19:38

Ok, I'm out because you're quite obviously not going to do anything and I'm now angry.

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 19:39

Speaking as someone who has experienced the aftermath of this sort of situation, IMO, the question you need to consider is:
If the outcome is the worst case scenario, would I feel I did my best for him?
That is all.
I accept that many will disagree with me.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 19:41

Well no I'm not going to report my own sister to social services especially since I know he isn't being abused of nelgected. All I can do is ask my sister again if she is going to take any action on it doctors/camhs.

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ladystarkers · 07/02/2018 19:45

Op, I don’t understand your mindset. He needs help, right now you are the only one who can help him. Have a chat to him and find out how hes feeling?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 19:47

I've had a conversation with him. Well tried to.. He just shrugs. I don't have a teenager sorry for feeling out of my depth!

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UndomesticHousewife · 07/02/2018 19:48

He’s said he’s depressed he’s told his cousin he’s suicidal he doesn’t go to school he doesn’t eat he doesn’t wash and doesn’t talk to you. What more are you actually looking for?

Of course he doesn’t have a doctors diagnosis, no ones taken him to the bloody doctor.

Poor boy no one gives a shit about him.

gingertigercat · 07/02/2018 19:58

Keep talking to him. It sounds like he could use someone to talk to.

Rosierosa15 · 07/02/2018 20:08

He is being neglected if she is aware he suffers with depression and takes no steps to help him!!

MinorRSole · 07/02/2018 20:09

Noone has a teenager until they have one but we all manage! Sorry but you just seem completely unbothered by this.

It goes without saying that your sister should be parenting her child but she isn't there right now and you are. He's your nephew, don't just shrug your shoulders and say 'I don't have a teenager'! It can't be that long since you were one yourself.

Read the advice given and show him that you care and aren't just going through the motions

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 20:13

I will keep trying to talk to him that's all I can do. However he is currently upstairs in the bedroom. I was told that all I would have to do is make him dinner and wash his uniform, I really have enough on my plate as selfish as people will call me. He has a mother a father and various cousins and aunties/uncles. I'm the only one who agreed to have him clearly so obviously I do care but there isn't much I can do physically.

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endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 20:39

Please can you at least share with other family members?
Somebody might at least spare some time to talk to him?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 20:47

I'm not currently on talking terms with my mum or brother and the other family he has is on his dad side who I have no contact with. my niece (the one he told he was suicidal is only 18 and rather immature). He doesn't have a phone so they wouldn't be able to contact him anyway.

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greenllicic · 07/02/2018 21:00

I feel so sad about this boy. Is there anyway that you can take him out as you might get a different response from him out of the house if that makes sense. My 14 yr old dd who is very uncommunicative tends to chat in the car for some reason. Think it's because my focus is somewhere else. Gee him up to get dressed say 'come on I'm taking you out to macdonalds' or something. Don't give him a choice. I know it's hard if you're not used to teens but he may talk if he knows you're genuinely interested.

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 21:02

This is one of the most soul destroying threads I have seen on here in a long time.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 21:08

I try to avoid taking my kids out after school as (oldest) dd is always extremely hyper after school and tends to be difficult to manage. He doesn't have a phone that's not my fault? I didn't know he came here with no phone it was only when I asked him a day or two ago something about his phone and he said his dad took it again.

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Adrianflank · 07/02/2018 21:10

Let's hope this young lad doesn't do anything, because it's on your head, "I can't report my sister because she will stop talking to me" but it would be ok if this poor lad did something silly

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 21:13

I wonder how many people would actually report their own family to social services. I doubt very many at all. It's a line you don't cross. I was always told to offer help first, so like I said I will speak to my sister again about taking him drs see whatshe says.

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NoSquirrels · 07/02/2018 21:20

It doesn’t sound as if you have much of a relationship with him, so I understand why it is difficult.

Nevertheless, the facts are that you have a possibly depressed, possibly suicidal young teen boy in your care who is refusing to attend school.

You need to chat to him tonight- be clear to him that you are very worried about him, you want to help but you don’t know how unless he can tell you a little of how he’s feeling or what he needs. Tell him he can’t just not get up for school with no explanation- if he’s genuinely unwell then you need to know at 8am (or whatever). Be calm and sympathetic but be clear on the rules.

Get your sister to call you urgently. Tell her you’re really alarmed by his behaviour, and you think he urgently needs help. Tell her she needs to make him a priority right now - no more work trips away for a week dumping him on whoever will have him! She should get him to the GP, speak to her employer and work with school by being upfront about how he’s feeling.

Please don’t wash your hands of him.

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 21:21

It would appear that nobody cares about this boy and he knows it.

NoSquirrels · 07/02/2018 21:23

And if your sister doesn’t call you, and he refuses school the rest of the week (& you can see he’s not actually physically unwell e.g. fever, vomiting, cough) then you MUST call school and lay it all out to them, everything you know.

If your sister gets pissy about that when she realises, it will be her own fault for not calling you urgently when you say you’re really concerned.

GatoradeMeBitch · 07/02/2018 21:27

Let's hope this young lad doesn't do anything, because it's on your head, "I can't report my sister because she will stop talking to me" but it would be ok if this poor lad did something silly

Social services is leap-frogging over the other steps.

1 - GP. Double appointment if possible. Get referral to Camhs and hopefully get GP to agree to counselling too, and possibly blood tests to rule out any underlying illness.

2 - Camhs. Plan of action. Counselling, mentoring, in-school support, etc.

You can see the kid is struggling OP. Your sister won't do anything. Call in a family member to watch your kids, and try and get him an urgent GP appointment. If anyone says it could wait three weeks point out he won't be with you then.

GatoradeMeBitch · 07/02/2018 21:29

And something you can do tomorrow morning if he stays in bed is leave a message on the school answerphone explaining that he's not coming to school because he won't get out of bed, that he's not eating, seems very depressed and you're worried about him. That should hopefully trigger a letter or call to your sister.

Chrys2017 · 07/02/2018 21:31

He can't help it. His hormones are stronger and louder than your voice, an alarm clock or a schoolteacher's nagging voice.
Teenagers need as much sleep as babies, but rarely get it. It's a global problem. Also their internal clocks are set to wake later and go to bed later. Some experts have suggested that schools attended by teenagers should start no earlier than 11am.
It doesn't help you OP, but it might help you feel better and less angry towards him.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 21:34

I don't have anyone to watch my kids. I am a lone parent and not on talking terms with my mother or brother. And obviously sister is away (not that she's ever babysat.) will call the school though tomorrow and tell them straight if he doesn't go in.

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