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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 07/02/2018 12:48

Demand she returns?

SeeKnievelHitThe17thBus · 07/02/2018 12:48

Where would he go if you refused to let him back in the house? At 14 he's old enough to know that he gets his arse out of the house in time for school or, when he next goes through it he won't be coming back. You have a baby to deal with and are doing his mum a favour.

I'd be up the stairs hauling the duvet off and telling him he had 2 minutes to get downstairs, dressed, or everything of his that I could find would be going out of the window. He doesn't get to mess you around.

MinorRSole · 07/02/2018 12:51

Actually op I think you need to step up here. You are currently caring for him so it is your responsibility to get him to school. It's irrelevant whether you wanted to care for him or not, you are and you need to act accordingly.

Teenagers are a nightmare to get out of bed as a general rule but clearly it's possible as most of them do attend school.

As per previous suggestions, crack down. Light on, curtains open, loud banging on the door, remove duvet and give child a good shake. He will get up, he'll be moody as hell but he'll be up.

Palavapalava · 07/02/2018 12:58

Very odd that she’s not called to talk to him at all. He probably thinks she doesn’t care and is attention seeking!

hadthesnip · 07/02/2018 12:59

I would flip. Tell your sister that if she isn't going to take ownership of this issue then you will. Tell her son too. Tomorrow morning wake him up at usual time for school (7am ??) & if he doesn't get up then pull him out of bed, take away the duvet & any other bedding. I would do the cold water trick but as its your house I don't suppose you want to ruin your carpets etc. Tell the school of your problem & leave it up to them to take it further (if they are bothered). Tell your sister that she could be taken to court for failure to get her son to school.

btw - my eldest son is 14 & had been dragging himself to school over the past 2 weeks with a heavy cold as he wants 100% attendance this year as he then gets a day out at Thorpe Park.

Bogmoppit · 07/02/2018 13:00

Hang on. This boy is 14yrs old and has a diagnosis of depression. He refuses to get up and won't interact with your demands to go to school. You say you don't know if he is being bullied or not.

Could you not show a bit of empathy? Depression is horrible. What treatment and support is he getting? Do you know why he is depressed? Has he got any other conditions? Have you asked him why he won't go or called pastoral care at his school to get some advice?

Does sound like you or your sister give much of a shit about his well-being really. Sad

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2018 13:02

He has depression and his mother hasn’t been bothered to call him. She’s only interested in how his absenteeism is affecting her. Wow. Has he been to the gp? Is he having counselling? Is the school working with his mother? I’d be fuming in your place op.

Chaosofcalm · 07/02/2018 13:04

How long is he staying with you? Where are his parents? It sounds like either he is ill (depression) or misbehaving so they should return to sort this out.

Ring school and ask for the attendance officer or head of year and explain what is happening. They maybe able to visit and talk to him.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 13:04

I'm single with 4 kids I really wish I had the time but I don't. My sister just has him. Baby has been screaming the house down all morning so the last time I want to deal with is him aswell. He doesn't actually respond to me when I speak to him, he just ignores me. Got to take the baby out now as the dr has finally called us back so now it means leaving him in bed.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 07/02/2018 13:05

OK, it sounds like your sister is being a poor parent here. What is she doing about his issues, and why is she away at present (ie is it work/having to go and look after someone else, or just a jolly).
How good is your relationship with her in general? Because she has put you in a difficult situation, and the things you do next may make her angry with you, but they may need to be done.

This boy suffers from depression and is being bullied, so please don't bully him yourself (eg throwing water at him, shouting at him etc). Contact the school, ask for the welfare officer, and lay the whole situation out - that his mother is away, that you are looking after him, and ask their advice. Their Attendance Office might have some ideas, too.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/02/2018 13:05

I stand by that you need to take everything away. When its wake up time his covers get taken. Not so nice to stay in bed without them. The laptop is taken too, easy enough for him to put it down when you check on him.

I feel sorry for him though. Seems his mum CBA....where is his dad in all this? I know you say he's taken the phone, why isn't he with his dad or is her away too? Either way both his parents need to step up and deal with their son who's depressed and clearly struggling

endofthelinefinally · 07/02/2018 13:06

Oh God.
Just come back to this and see he has depression.
Please, please get help for him.
This puts a completely different slant on this.
This could be really serious.

MinorRSole · 07/02/2018 13:06

Poor kid, does he have anyone in his life that does have time for him?

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/02/2018 13:07

I'm sorry your sister has put you in this position. She sounds awful

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 07/02/2018 13:09

Your poor nephew. I think you need to call the school and refer this to his guidance teacher. No one knows if he is being bullied, struggling with work etc. Is anyone actually parenting him?

BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2018 13:13

Well the depression was a bit of a drip feed!

But yes, she should be doing more. So should you!

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 13:14

What can I do exactly? I have 4 kids of my own.

OP posts:
FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 07/02/2018 13:15

Poor boy.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2018 13:16

Why don't you all go to your local psychiatric hospital and tell that that you've found a cure for depression, Throwing water over people and taking away all of their possessions and see how that goes down?

"Seems his mum CBA"

Yes because dealing with a teen with depression is easy.

OP why did you think he was going to get out of bed and go to school? If he has been refusing for a while. It sounds as though the Mum has been trying to tell you all how bad it's been, but has been unsupported.

The non attending will get a referral, but he doesn't have to engage. Depending on the system in your area it could get him a change of School.

You have to tread carefully with teens these days, it's so easy to get drugs and self medicate. They can also decide where they live and can leave home, supported by SS at 14.

All you can go is back your Sister when she gets back and get involved with what she is trying to get in place for him, or insist that she does, if she hasn't.

Bogmoppit · 07/02/2018 13:16

@Dancingfairy
He lack of response is exceptionally concerning. The boy sounds totally shut down and very depressed. Wow. And his mum can't be bothered and nor can you. You are his aunt. You are looking after him and like it or not you are his parental figure at the moment.

What do you know about his depression? Is he getting any help? He sounds desperately unwell.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2018 13:17

Most of whom are at school, so you have the house to yourself. I know you've said you've got a screaming baby but this lad needs some help. You are in loco parentis

So what I'd do? Light on curtains open, door open etc

Call pastoral at school.

Talk to the lad to see what's going on with him

Phone his mom to put a rocket up her arse

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/02/2018 13:18

Your sister should certainly be doing more than she is when she's actually in the same house as her son, but it's you that should be doing something right now.
Call the school and tell them he's refusing to leave his room at the very least?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 13:18

Sister has one child and he has a dad. She told me he had depression and was suicidal I told her she needs to speak to camhs? Think that's what it's called (like I said no experience in this my children are little) but she just brushed it under the carpet and never mentioned it again. She's away for work, dad isn't they are not in a relationship anymore.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2018 13:19

"What can I do exactly? I have 4 kids of my own."

Be honst with the school, you don'y have to phone the absent line, phone reception.

What is your Sister doing?

Before we all judge, read the threads were how shit teen MH services are, is discussed. There are teen deaths in the News everyday after being let down by services.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/02/2018 13:19

@Reanimated. She did not say he is being bullied, she said she didn't know.
I would be in touch with the pupil welfare person and organise a home visit.
Covers off, lots of noise, curtains open, kids bombarding him at 7am. This is life in your house and as it is your house, it is your rules. Your sister is irresponsible but probably exhausted. She will end up in court. He needs to realise this and know that if she is jailed, he will have to be fostered.
Depression is one thing, teenage grunt is another. It is a tough call to make but he has to attend school when staying with you or face the consequences, depressed or no.