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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
Quirkyturkey · 07/02/2018 13:20

Did you know he had depression when you agreed to have him Op? My DD had anxiety and depression at that age and really struggled with going to school and getting into class when she was there. She missed a lot of school and really impacted on her GCSEs. But the school were totally aware of the problem and bent over backwards to help as I kept them fully informed of the situation. Your sister sounds like she's struggling - it is tough to have a child with depression. You don't mention a partner, is she on her own? I get that you have a lot on your own plate, but you just seem to want to wash your hands of this poor boy.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/02/2018 13:20

Out of interest, why didn't his dad have him?

billybagpuss · 07/02/2018 13:21

Has he got out of bed at all?

I know this is the last thing you need to deal with right now and you've been well and truly dropped in it, but your sis is probably at the end of her tether.

Hope you are able to sort baby out this morning and she is ok, but then I would try and find some time to make some calls and ask for help, the school counsellor or his GP. This isn't right and he needs help.

Good luck

SundaysFunday · 07/02/2018 13:22

A teenager that sleeps till lunchtimes has been on his phone/Xbox until the early hours. Fact.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 13:23

She's said a lot of stuff about his depression but if she won't take him to the doctors or camhs which she hasn't then I'm not sure what to suggest to her. I've said it all to her. She said he goes to school it's only now I've messaged her saying he won't go she says "see what I have to put up with". I'm not sure why people are jumping on me he isn't my child and I don't have pr for him if my sister hasn't taken him to the drs then it really wouldn't want to take him without her permission, not that he would go anyway since he's still in bed.

OP posts:
Ohforfoxsakereturns · 07/02/2018 13:23

Agree with Bitoutofparactice - ring school, explain you can’t shift him. They are aware of his depression? If not, they can support him.

(I’d be furious with your sister if she hadn’t made school aware).

Talk to him, explain your rules. No gadgets in his bedroom. If he isn’t used to interacting with a large family, try to give him some responsibility or encourage him (by insisting if necessary) to participate in your family life.

It’s short term for you, might do him good though if you can offer him something he is missing in his life? (Pure speculation on my part).

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 13:25

Sister is single. Dad never has him when she's away. He has him on occasional weekends (don't think it's a set arrangement more as and when.)

OP posts:
Cherrycokewinning · 07/02/2018 13:25

I really feel for you OP, your sister sounds awful. I don’t know why you agreed to have him stay for you, it’s going to be a nightmare

Littlechocola · 07/02/2018 13:27

Poor boy. He probably feels that no one can be bothered so why should he.

Call the school and explain that this boy is being failed by those around him.

I know you have a lot on and he’s not your child but if his mother won’t seek help then you must. He’s not simply a lazy teenager.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2018 13:32

"I really feel for you OP, your sister sounds awful."

We don't really know that. It sounds as though she is just trying to keep going, working etc. The Dad drifts in and out, doing nothing.

I got my DD counselling, she didn't go, she wouldn't engage with services. She had to get expelled and be place din a Unit before she would acknowledge that she needed help.

If he won't go to the GP, she can only not cover for him and see if they are offered help and not just a fine.

OP it sounds as though you don't really know what is going on, so just inform the school of the situation whilst you have him.

Cherrycokewinning · 07/02/2018 13:33

Did you send her to live with another family member for 2 months though birds? Hmm that’s what’s awful

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 07/02/2018 13:36

Natural consequences: you don't go to school, you get expelled, you have no qualifications, you can't get a job, you go on the dole.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/02/2018 13:36

The mother of this child literally dumped him on her sisters doorstep the day/day before she was going away with no warning. That's awful for both this boy and the op.

Op, I've no idea why people are giving you a hard time, you have four other children to deal with, young children, one being a baby. You've been put in a shit position and its not your fault.

amusedbush · 07/02/2018 13:37

When I was 15 I was deeply depressed following years of bullying (including physical violence), I was self harming and in the beginnings of an eating disorder.

When I got anti depressants from the GP, my mum drove up to the surgery herself and told the GP that he shouldn't have prescribed me anything because I brought it all upon myself, wallowing in my bedroom and not trying hard enough to feel better.

Please don't be like my mum. Get him help if your sister won't. I know you have a lot on your plate with your own kids but your nephew needs someone.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/02/2018 13:38

Boys dad sounds a complete waste of space. Its a shame for the lad and even though it's not your responsibility I'd speak to your sister properly when she's home. She needs to speak to the doctor and school about this.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 07/02/2018 13:39

I agree with everyone who says try & speak to the school.

Has he been eating and drinking? Has he come down in the evenings?

Is he on medication for his depression, and if so, has he been taking it?

I'd ask someone to have my baby for a couple of hours, get a McDonalds and sit in the room he's in & try & talk to him & get him to eat something.

Unless your baby is very ill & can't be looked after by someone else.

Is your Dsis neglectful? It sounds like she is.

I feel desperately sad for him. It must be truly dreadful to feel that nobody gives a shit about you.

Moo678 · 07/02/2018 13:40

So his diagnosis of depression has been made by your unmedically qualified sister who is not coming across as being a particularly engaged or concerned mother? He hasn't seen a GP let alone a mental health professional? Your sister has buggered off leaving you to look after him and not even bothered to phone?

I really don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think all you can do is try to be nice to the boy. Offer to talk if he wants. Don't push the going to school thing - there's only two days left until your sister is back anyway. Phone the school and be completely honest about what is going on - if you have time does he have a guidance teacher you could speak to? A chat with whoever is on duty for child protection at social work might not go amiss either - they will have links to community paediatrics and child and adolescent mental health services. If your sister is refusing to take him to GP then maybe she needs to be forced by outside intervention. Beyond doing these things and reading your sister the riot act when she gets home I really don't know what else you can do.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/02/2018 13:41

Can you contact this poor child's father? Unless you know that the father is violent/abusive/alcoholic or otherwise unfit to look after the boy, he should be doing something to help, too.

I do understand that you have plenty to worry about already with your other DC, but please, please, don't listen to the spiteful cunts on here who are suggesting you shout at him and throw his belongings out of the window and all the other bullshit stupid people think will magically 'cure' depression.

If there's nothing and no one else available, let the school know the situation (his mother is away, he is refusing school, and you do not have any legal rights over him), go on with your general business and treat this child with kindness, as much as you can, until his DM returns.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 07/02/2018 13:41

I get your sister must be over it - single parenting teens can be a nightmare (I have 3 and a pre-teen) but she is his adult and he is her child and this cannot be about her.

OK, he might be a lazy arse - end of.

But he might also need looking after. 14 is a child. 14 YOs are lacking in the ability and emotional intelligence to sort this out alone. I wonder, does he feel alone? Left to his own devices?

In these circumstances, as you are his career while she is away, I would phone the school and speak to his Year Head of Progree and Learning. I would make them aware, in your sisters absence.

He should come first. Sounds like he needs support. It might have to come from you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2018 13:43

I’m sorry your baby is poorly. I hope they get better soon and the doctor can help.

You’re on here so I know you care. You sound as if you have your hands full. If you have a screaming baby, I cannot imagine for one minute you have the energy right now to deal with your nephew.

Could you perhaps though write an email expressing your concerns to the school? He is in your care this week. You are therefore his responsible adult at the moment so perhaps you can get the ball rolling. It doesn’t have to be very long. You’ve posted on this thread, which takes time so perhaps you could find time to do just that one thing for him.

I’m sorry your sister and her ex have put you in this situation.

RestlessLegKick · 07/02/2018 13:45

She told me he had depression and was suicidal

That's a hugely massive drip feed halfway into the thread.

How would you not think that's relevant to why he might not want to get out of bed? Not getting out of bed sounds like the least of his problems, the poor boy.

Have you tried to actually sit down and discuss with him what might be upsetting him? Tried to understand? To listen?

WonderLime · 07/02/2018 13:48

I'd be saying that if he won't go to school, then he gets up and helps you with errands today. Maybe help prep and cook dinner for example. I suspect loneliness and not being listened to is his problem (your sister sounds quite dismissive) so it could be an opportunity to open him up a bit.

WonderLime · 07/02/2018 13:49

Part of the problem; not he's whole problem obviously.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 07/02/2018 13:50

Sundays I didn't have a phone or an XBox when I was a teenager, they didn't exist. I did naturally sleep until about 10 though, and then stay in bed to avoid visitors.

Springtrolls · 07/02/2018 13:53

The boy wasn’t dumped the day before.

But he does need help. And so does mum. It’s hard parenting teens even harder one with depression.
He must have seen someone at some point to be diagnosed and as for cahms it’s not a case of show up and be seen. My dd had been sectioned 3 times before they finally helped and that was with a lot of work.

I know you have 4 dc’s of your own.
But please support the both of them. They are both asking for help. Offer to go with her to the gp’s, sometimes you need that bit of support dealing with them and some gp’s are still dismissive of mh.