To think she should be doing more...

[Dancingfairy]

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

*us

I have 4, now adult, children and am a foster carer tending to care for teenagers. As you can imagine many of these teenagers arrive with mental health issues.

This thread may not be as dramatic as some, but I feel so very, very sad for this poor boy who is being failed again and again. Failed it seems by all the adults on his life. If I had a teenager acting this way, and sharing they felt depressed and suicidal, and I chose to do nothing about it, I would be struck off as a foster carer because it would be neglect. All it takes is for one of the adults in his life to make a phone call to start the ball rolling for some help and support. It seems no one can be bothered to do that. How tragic that this boy is exhibiting all the signs of a clinical depression, and even admitted it out loud, and still he is being ignored. Red flags are waving madly here. It truly is so very, very sad that no one will help this poor boy who is silently screaming for someone to notice.

The teenagers I care for are (I hope) now safe from the neglect and/or abuse from their pasts. They are safe because at one point someone in their lives cared enough to make a call, just one call.

I hope someone, somewhere will spend a few moments letting the professionals know of this boy's issues. In a way it doesn't even matter which professional, because as soon as one person is informed, they can refer to an appropriate colleague.

This is just so very sad...and the possibility of a real tragedy very likely.

His punishment is 2 weeks loss of pocket money. The only person here, who needs “punishment” is his mother for failing him. I’m agog that a mother can ignore her troubled son for a whole week, go out on a date on her return to uk soil and chooses tompunish him the moment she sets eyes on him. Your sister is an abusive bitch.

OP you can still contact the school. This child is clearly quite severely depressed, needs help and it is equally as clear that your sister will do nothing.

Just email the school if you don't feel able to call and be concise and factual.
-he stayed with you for a week
-struggled with eating, bathing and communicating
-struggled to get out of bed and sleeps overly long hours

• has confided that he is depressed and suicidal

Any school worth their salt will act on this and you will not be 'dobbing your sister in' if that is your concern

Please don't be another to fail this child. One quick, simple email or phone call is all you need to do.

Yet once again there is a thread on here about 4 children living with violent drug addicts and not being sent to school. And people are telling the op not to report it, to just move house and forget about them. And this is one of the most horrible threads? Ok....then.

Did you tell her he needs to go to the doctor? Did she agree?

You don’t need to report to SS, you can tell the school what you know about his truanting. Hopefully then they’ll give him some much needed support.

Can you not see why people sound do concerned? A probably depressed, possibly suicidal teen boy has been in your care and refusing school. He’s had his phone taken off him by his dad (so he’s getting no social connection - no phone, no school friends), he’s been sent for a week to the house of somebody he doesn’t know well whilst his mother is away - and she hasn’t called him up once. Now his mum’s back she’s taken his pocket money off him (more isolation). And gone straight out on a date, leaving him home alone again, presumably.

Does it sound like a nurturing environment to go through your teens in?

You don't care do you Op? That last post is your response after some of the moving posts from various parents on here and pages of actual practical advice.

I hope your nephew will be ok and I honestly wish I could help him somehow. I also want to say my heart goes out to any parent on here who is struggling with teenagers in emotional pain

DancingFairy

I haven’t seen the thread. I am struggling to see the relevance with the posts you are seeing in this thread. All I can say is stop deflecting. This is your flesh and blood.

He does know me well, I said we don't see eachother that often, so we are not very close. How does that translate as doesn't know me well? He use to come on day trips when I take my own kids out but he doesn't now that he's a teen and isn't interested in that kind of thing, he came trick or treating with me and my kids and I spent Xmas with them, I use to look after him so my sister could work (before I had kids) he was not here with "someone he doesn't know well." He has also had communication with friends he has a lap top and a ps4. He was talking to his friends when he was playing the games. Like I said will mention the drs again to her and say she needs to take him. But whilst people think children living in a violent home with drug addicts shouldn't be reported then I'm not reporting my sister who is just burying her head in the sand and needs a push.

The relevance is clearly that people are telling the op NOT to report it but can't understand why I won't report my own sister. Those children are at MUCH more risk. My sister isn't abusive or neglectful at all, she's burying her head in the sand. It wasn't long ago when most people thought that people with depression could "snap out of it." Helping to support him and her would be helping her to see why he needs the drs is what I said I will do. I doubt he will thank me for reporting his mum either.

Like I said will mention the drs again to her and say she needs to take him

But you haven’t yet!

You don’t need to call SS. You can call school. Your sister can’t get irritated with that - it’s just facts on what you saw when you were looking after him.

Don’t know we’ll/not close to. You’re splitting hairs.

Look, your choice. As it is your sister’s choice. But vulnerable teens can make bad choices or bad things can happen to them. He sounds in dire need of support.

From the snapshot you’ve written, he sounds unsupported, unloved, depressed, missing out on education and vulnerable and none of the adults in his life seem to be bothered.

And people have explained that contacting SS isn't 'reporting' it's asking for help. They actually offer a lot of support.

But people have also said that's not even needed, what could have been useful would have been a phonecall to the school on the days he was refusing, and a GP appointment, if he refused to go to app you could have gone anyway on your own and explained what's happening and they could have possibly put you in touch with someone....I don't know but it's better doing something surely.

As I said I haven’t seen the thread. I do not agree with ignoring drugs and domestic violence. Again that thread is not relevant to your dn. That is a bit like someone telling me I shouldn’t get upset about my childhood or sibling abuse because it was not as bad as theirs. There is always someone, whose experience is worse and this isn’t a race to the bottom. Factually, the ones, who had it the worst of all in all likelihood were murdered by their parents and no longer have a voice to complain. Just because I didn’t have it as bad as Baby P, it doesn’t mean I had an idyllic childhood. Your argument is therefore a moot point.

You said you would contact the school then bottled it because he went to school for one day out of 5. One day out of 5. How is it supporting him when thus far you may not agree with your sisters behaviour but you have not challenged it right down to imposing a 2 week pocket money ban on him? This punishment has only come about because she’s seemingly such a shit parent.

I rarely comment on these threads, as everyone parents differently. This has made me so sad OP. As a single parent of 4 you shouldn’t have to deal with this BUT this poor boy is crying out for someone’s help.

• He is 14 his dad has taken his phone ( and whilst I know many of us didn’t have phones when growing up - in 2018 this is significant ) he is now socially isolated because of this. *his mum didn’t call him for a week - rarely takes him on her holidays and leaves him behind - he must feel really unloved.
• he won’t get up is normal for a teenager but part of being a parent is setting boundaries and young people knowing “where they are” with regards to parenting - he isn’t getting any parental support/boundaries
• feeling depressed and suicidal - this may or may not be the case but he needs help and support with his feelings. I am parent to two teenagers - one can be very moody, argumentative and negative at times, I always make sure he knows I love him and will be there when he does need me ( even when we are arguing and he thinks he doesn’t need me). **He is a CHILD he does not have anyone in his corner - makes me feel so sad. I know you have a lot on your plate OP but please at least speak to someone at school what’s going on at home and ask for their help.

There was a reason his phone was taken away which will probably be classed as a "drip feed" but just exactly how much info can you put in the op. He was doing things on his phone which is not appropriate for a 14 year old boy. There was a lot that came out in October after his mum found certain things which I can't go into detail about so it was removed. Would those who found inappropriate stuff on their teenagers phone allow them to continue to have it? We are on half term now so the school is closed.

Would those who found inappropriate stuff on their teenagers phone allow them to continue to have it?

Why does he still have a laptop then? Surely the laptop will be being used for ‘inappropriate stuff’ now then?

As far as I'm aware his dad took the phone off him after my sister told him what he had been doing, he doesn't take the laptop to his dads house so maybe that's why.. I don't know the ins and outs all I know is it was removed because of things happening on whatsapp.

I remember now my sister wasn't allowing him to use the internet at home but he still had the laptop for school work.

Well, whatever he was doing on WhatsApp and his phone was presumably either risky or illegal. The symptom has been removed, but the cause bit tackled. It’s not a reassuring update, tbh.

Look, whatever - you believe you aren’t obliged to do anything and there’s loads of reasons and justifications for the poor parenting and support this kid has got to put up with. Just think how it would be if it was one of your DC in a few years - you’re getting it wrong and you can’t see the wood from the trees and your kid is miserable and heading for a bad place. Don’t you want some help?

I won’t comment any more.

I really wouldn't want someone to report me or refer call it what you want to social services. I know that much.

You’re the only one mentioning SS

Last term I worked at a school and while I was there a year eleven boy took his own life.

It's real and it happens. The devastation it leaves behind is heartbreaking. Everyone blames themselves. I'm sure his parents desperately wish that he had told someone how he was feeling so they could help him.

This thread is heartbreaking because people are aware but aren't doing anything. The complete lack of empathy from the OP is utterly bewildering.

How can you not be bothered to at least phone the school to tell them what was happening? You completely let your nephew down last week and what your sister is doing is neglect. Failing to get a child appropriate medical care is neglect.

Nosquirrels. Pointless lie Rtft it's been said many times over and over.

Just to make it clear op I haven’t seen this other thread your on about but I’d be telling them to report to ss. You probably should be reported yourself for neglecting your nephews needs. I don’t see why you won’t grow a backbone and stand up for your nephew to your sister instead of whining on here about how hard it is for you.

But not for ages - in fact fir she’s all anyone’s said is tell school, make a proper fucking fuss to your sister.

Plus, if you wouldn’t want support (from appropriate authorities who could get you the help your struggling child needed) then you’re being a poor parent more concerned with yourself than the child in your care.