Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
fizzysister · 09/02/2018 10:22

Crossed posts with you there OP. Im glad you were lurking, I hope that's bc you are really looking to take advice, rather than to objection handle us as to why you can't help your DN though.

fizzysister · 09/02/2018 10:33

Sadly not!

I want you to try to connect with him but unfortunately I dont think you have it in you at this time.

I have the distinct impression from your pp that you took him in because you were the last resort and were assured by your DSis that you'd only have to cook for him and wash his uniform. I get that you have things on your plate too, but this is where I question your priorities tbh. So many others are disturbed by this thread too, I respectfully suggest you reread it with honest eyes and try to take on what has been said. If you're not willing to do this, posting on here will have achieved nothing apart from wasting time and emotional energy, your own included.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 10:39

Last resort? No way she normally asks her friend but she goes on holiday twice a year and always asks this friend so she didn't feel she could ask her again (so 3 times this year.) and the dad never has him for more than a weekend so she wouldn't even ask. I know she asked me first, when I say she said all you need to do is wash his uniform and make him dinner she was obviously making it sound like he was very easy and not needing a lot of care (like a younger child would.) so that he is self sufficient and it won't be any extra hard ship on me since you know I'm a lone parent to 4 kids under 7. her last resort would be leaving him at home and having a neighbour pop by now and again.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/02/2018 11:11

Ivw had extensive professional experience working with teenagers with suicidal thoughts.

This is a sad account

There are major red flags here...

No one here can possibly know how depressed or not this lad is.

So you need to believe him... You are in loco parents now.. You MUST contact the school and speak with their safeguarding teachers there....one phone call.

tell them what you've said here. Re not washing/reacting /reporting he is suicidal. They will make a decision on how best to support.

Please do not leave it up to your neglectful sister...
He is your nephew and you say you care... Do the right thing and cope with any fall out later...

Foslady · 09/02/2018 11:19

What time do your kids go to bed OP? How about once they’re in bed calling him down saying it’s pizza and film night and he has no choice other than the film from your DVDs? Try and find a connection to break through? Just that simple act could be enough for him

KendalMintCakey · 09/02/2018 11:31

The long sleeping sounds like clinical depression

SlowDown76mph · 09/02/2018 12:00

14yrs must seem old compared to your own children. But really it's not. He's still a child. Please listen to IamtheDevilsAvocado post above.

Mummyto3ds · 09/02/2018 12:52

14 is still young. If you really think your sister would rather go on holiday than ensure proper care for her son then you need to tell her how unacceptable this is. Leaving him at home overnight with a neighbour popping round is neglect and if she’s done that before you need to tell the school.

For every time you post here could, you could have made a phone call or sent an email to get him help. It must be hard as a single parent with 4 children, but you agreed to take him in, he is another child to care for not a self sufficient 20 something.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 13:09

She's back today so I'm not calling the school. Im not sure if she's done it before but I know that would be a "last resort" as she only ever leaves him with one particular friend and as she is going away in a few weeks and then again in summer I'm assuming she doesn't want to ask her 3 times.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2018 13:20

It’s a shame you didn’t follow through on your decision to call the school. It’s all you really needed to do to start the ball rolling.

No wonder he’s depressed with a mother, who leaves him at least twice a year to holiday alone. Would you do that to your children?

Hissy · 09/02/2018 13:32

So you know there has been a problem with him now since tuesday, by weds when you posted this thread he had missed 2 days of school and you knew there were thoughts of suicide/mention of it.

His mother hasn't rung to see how he is, despite knowing he's down and having bad thoughts. he hasn't eaten or washed or done anything

His mother has let him down, and now you have.

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but FFS OP, you don't have all your kids with you all the time, your nephew has been dumped on you, is CLEARLY not right and not one person who could/should give a fuck appears to want to.

Just imagine if one of your 4 kids needed someone to care about them and you were away or not around for whatever reason, would YOU want someone in a position to perhaps even save their lives by making some kind of effort to get them support? Or would you be happy for them to sit back and do what you are doing? NOTHING?

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 13:36

I wouldn't with no kids no but then lots of people do stuff with their kids I don't agree with. Personal choices though.

She's known since October and hasn't taken him so it's not a case of her being away and needs someone to.

OP posts:
MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 09/02/2018 13:42

OP, you sound completely overwhelmed and I'm not surprised. And I absolutely get why you don't have the headspace or time to launch into trying to fix things for your DN.

But your last couple of posts have made me feel even sorrier for him - your sister goes on holiday a couple of times a year and foists him on to her friends, rather than taking him with her? And is prepared to leave him at home on his own with someone "popping round" every now and then? That's really not on. In my book, that's borderline neglectful, and if my mum had treated me like that, I'd certainly be feeling very down about my place in the world and in her affections.

What I hope is that you have the energy at least to talk seriously to her about this. Her son sounds like he's a damaged child, and it's hard to see how her behaviour isn't at least part of that.

Littlechocola · 09/02/2018 13:44

You seem to think that being a single mother of 4 is an excuse to not do anything.

I can’t imagine doing nothing.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 13:45

He's going on his own holiday with the school soon. She takes him on holidays now and again but she tends to go on "girls" holidays.

OP posts:
MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 09/02/2018 13:49

He sounds very lonely to me. The "popping round" thing makes him sound like a cat - unfortunately children are a bit more demanding than cats!

AuntyElle · 09/02/2018 13:52

OP, you could still call the school as IamtheDevilsAvocado suggested, and then you would have at least passed the matter to people whose job it is to know how to respond to this sort of situation.
Nobody could justifiably criticise you for doing that.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2018 13:54

OP, have you done anything at all to help this child? Have you contacted anyone? Has he eaten anything since you first posted? Got out of bed even to go to the loo?

I get that your life is hard. Do you suffer from depression yourself? But I stand by what I said: that your family is dysfunctional and you all need some help and support. Your sister and you sound incredibly self-centred and self-pitying, and as though neither of you give a toss about DN. Maybe you were brought up feeling like you didn't matter, as well, so none of you are actually able to care about other people.

SpiritedFlame · 09/02/2018 13:58

A lot of what has written concerns me and I understand that you are not his Mum, but it is still worrying.

I know she has ignored your suggestion of going to the GP and getting a referral to the CAMHS and it's possible she is burying her head in the sand. A lot of people hold a stigma to mental heath, they don't want it to happen to them or they are scared because it is naturally a scary thing to face.

I find it sad how alone this poor boy is. He is only 14 and even though we all probably felt pretty grown up then, he isn't.
At 14, I was self harming and depressed. By 15, I was intent on killing myself and eventually admitted to hospital.

Nobody listened to me BEFORE it got that bad. It was not enough to be depressed. The help wasn't there and I ended up in hospital because it escalated, which has gone on to affect my life.

I appreciate you can't do everything his Mum can but if your sister won't do something, can you not fire off an email to his school and make sure they are aware of how he feels and the things he has stated/you have been told of.

It would be awful for him to keep slipping through the net and I know how much worse it can get.
At least once the school are fully aware, they can look at putting support in place there and arranging for outside agencies if needed.

I am sorry that this is all so hard. I can imagine it is very difficult with four children of your own, and trying to work out how to help here but please don't shrug it off. He could be basically screaming out for help and hoping that someone will hear him.

endofthelinefinally · 09/02/2018 14:04

This is awful.
OP, I agree with PP that the time you have spent posting on here you could have phoned the school and spent a few minutes talking to your nephew.
I feel very angry and frustrated at this thread.
Years ago my ds showed me something on line from a lad he had befriended on a forum.
He was talking about suicide.
Because of photos this boy posted I was able to contact someone 200 miles away who could intervene.
It took me around 10 minutes.
I didnt know the boy from Adam, but he was a child crying out for help.
I am really disgusted at the complete lack of care described here.
I am starting to wonder if this is a wind up tbh. Sad

Needsleepnow87 · 09/02/2018 14:12

People are being very harsh on OP in my opinion. Not having teenagers herself, she maybe underestimated how much of a burden he would be. You would think that they wouldn’t need much looking after so not too much hard work to her already busy life.

As for his depression, come on, people saying it’s on her head if e commits suicide?? He’s been depressed since October. Why would he chose this week to do it?

If it was me in your situation, I’d be having strong words with the sister. She’s the one who’s being unreasonable and not getting her son the help he needs! It’s not OPs responsibility!

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 14:27

Thanks needsleep. She hasn't mentioned the depression or suicide since it happened in October. So obviously I didn't think I was taking all this on, no I don't suffer from depression so maybe I don't understand it that much. He went to school yesterday which is why I didn't call but didn't go today...

OP posts:
LuxembergerQueen92 · 09/02/2018 14:46

My God this is one of the hardest most disturbing threads I have ever read on MN. OP please please listen to the advice on here. Your DN is crying out for help - the refusal to go to school, not eating, not bathing, lack of communication are all huge, huge signs that there is something very wrong. He clearly has some serious mental health issues and - it doesn't matter if you have all the material things in the world - depression is a nasty insiduous illness that can affect anyone so your sister by buying him everything he "wants" is ignoring the problem. Please - if you can spare just a little time maybe in the evening when you youngsters are in bed - sit with him and talk to him - a hand held and a listening ear could be what he needs to let him know that someone cares. As for Pollymere, Dianag111, Fabulous and Lashaliscious - my God - I can only assume that you know nothing of mentall illness and haven't bothered to RTFT after reading such drivel.

AuntyElle · 09/02/2018 14:48

But dancing, it’s an ongoing problem that his school need to know about. If his mum isn’t dealing with it, then you - as his aunt - absolutely can ring the school while he is with you, or even after he has gone.

AgathaF · 09/02/2018 14:49

Why would he chose this week to do it? - I think that is spectacularly missing the point.