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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should be doing more...

335 replies

Dancingfairy · 07/02/2018 11:57

My nephew is staying here whilst my sister is away. For the last two days he hasn't been to school. I've woken him up 5 times today but he just ignores me. He's currently in bed now still. My sister keeps saying things like "see what I have to deal with" erm I don't need to see what you have to deal with as it's not my problem. When my kids go to school I want my house to myself but no. I set my alarm much earlier than what I get up to get him up and he just doesn't listen. She hasn't once called to speak to him about it and instead keeps getting me to call his school to explain he won't be in. Aibu in thinking she could do more??

OP posts:
supersop60 · 08/02/2018 18:57

fabulous - you can be darned sure he would never want to stay with you.
Have you read the full thread?

Mazzystarlett · 08/02/2018 19:00

In answer to your question OP, yes your sister should be doing more but there is still such a stigma attached to mental health that I can see why maybe she might think that somehow she's "failed" if she has a child with depression. That's not failing, failing is not getting it treated. You can help him by doing something small. Call or email his school and put them in the picture as to what is going on. The school can refer to CAHMS if they feel it is necessary.

I hope you read this OP. You've been landed with a shit situation with no warning, you're wondering what to do and people on here have been quite harsh. Let your nephew know he can talk to you if he wants to and I wish you good luck.

lilcolibri · 08/02/2018 19:02

holy fuck

how are you SO lacking in sympathy for your nephew?

vile vile vile

GiddyGertie · 08/02/2018 19:03

Please call the school tomorrow. You need to speak to his Head of Year. You need to be totally honest. It is imperative that he receives the help he needs.

brotherphil · 08/02/2018 19:03

you can be darned sure he would never want to stay with you

I think that was the point.

I suspect that Fabsy might have been being just the tiniest bit sarcastic.

busymomtoone · 08/02/2018 19:09

Omg this poor boy! Four children or not, you agreed to step in “ in loco parentis” and care for him. Whilst he’s with you that’s what you should do - he is your nephew! You need to let the school know what’s going on , and if he really can’t face school try turning it to yours and his advantage rather than making him the enemy/ adding to the problem - couldn’t you get him to join in keeping the kids occupied/ cooking meal ( of his choice) etc ? Please at least show him a little care rather than being mad at your sister whom it sounds like is in denial/ at end of her tether. Could you also persuade him to go to the doctors?

pollymere · 08/02/2018 19:16

Cold wet flannel and duvet removal! Point out if he doesn't go to school Social Services will see he does, he could cost his Mum money over it, that you're not a hotel so if he wants food etc he needs to go and that he could always do chores instead!

Farrah87 · 08/02/2018 19:41

No you’re not unreasonable to think your sister should be doing more, she bloody should! she clearly doesn’t give a shit. But your lack of compassion and concern for your nephew is actually horrendous. The poor poor boy 😢

Crazyunicornlady · 08/02/2018 19:59

My sister works very hard to ensure he has everything he wants and more. She (IMO) sees depression as a weakness which I think is why she's brushing over it

Poor poor boy, possessions don’t make up for a loving mother who is there to listen to him.

He appears to be struggling and everyone’s washed their hands of him.

At least try and be supportive whilst he’s with you!

Ahardyfool · 08/02/2018 20:10

Can’t beliwvw the utter lack of understanding and compassion shown by this poor lad’s mother and aunt. Disgraceful. My son lies in bed. He has also tried to hang himself on more than one occasion. The laying in bed drives me nuts but I keep encouraging him: sometimes gently, sometimes firmly. However, most of all I kee fighting for him to get the help he requires and to get through this hideously challenging period of his life. It’s exhausting. I don’t enjoy a moment of it. I will not leave his side through this.

Boatsonthewater · 08/02/2018 21:08

It's quite disturbing to read the comments of some people who seem to think pouring water on someone and bullying them is an answer to depression. Ahardyfool, I am in the same situation you are in. I totally get where you are coming from.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 21:21

Well, there always have been a lot of unimaginative, stupid people who think that bullying anyone vulnerable is something to be proud of.

Confrontayshunme · 08/02/2018 21:44

Our neighbor took me to school for our whole 12 years every Friday and I vividly remember her waking up her son with a an alarm, two warnings then a glass of ice water down his pants. I have secretly ALWAYS wanted to do that to another person, but sadly, everyone I know is very prompt.

Confrontayshunme · 08/02/2018 21:46

Totally missed the depression part. Don't put ice water on him. That would be oretty mean.

Mummyto3ds · 08/02/2018 22:49

Wow. That was such a sad read. I think you sound very young and maybe are not aware that social service can be a great help to a family who are struggling (your dsis and dn). You never said where your sister has gone or why, is she really struggling too?

You also said the suicide threat was in October and he still isn’t getting up, eating, washing or socialising much so he’s had not much change in 3 months. You really need to do something - anything to help this poor boy.

Take the opportunity that he is in your care to get him some help. Don’t think of it as reporting your sister for failing him, it’s getting him the help he actually is begging for!

Contact Papyrus - prevention of young suicide UK. Teenagers can have no control over an impulse so if they decide they want to end their life it’s often sudden without much thought. Please openly ask him “are you suicidal?”. You might be his only chance at getting help.

Yorkshiretolondon · 09/02/2018 08:25

Teenagers are notoriously lazy and love their bed, however this is truly unacceptable, very unfair on you being left in this position but again he’s your nephew and it’s NOT the norm for 14 yr olds to think it’s ok not to go to school. I think your nephew and your sister need some intervention and that may need to be supported by you... maybe this is a call for help from your sister? How long is he staying with you? His school will be aware and will be following up on this.... your sister may end up in court- it does happen! Id definitely try speaking to the school and asking now for support before your nephew drops out altogether and then what options will he have.....

brotherphil · 09/02/2018 08:36

it’s NOT the norm for 14 yr olds to think it’s ok not to go to school

Nobody is saying that it is, and I'm pretty sure that OP doesn't actually need it pointed out to her.

Not sure if you've read the thread, but it would appear that it's not a case of DN thinking it's OK not to go to school, but that he is so far down that school isn't even on his radar.

Options are not something that people tend to consider with bad depression; long-term planning - or for that matter any sort of planning - goes right out of the window.

Supercala123 · 09/02/2018 08:59

Help me to find some perspective mumsnetters!

We are a family of 6; youngest is 1.
I work three days a week in a very demanding job, out at 7.30 back at 6. Dp works full time and commutes. So out at 7 back at 7pm.
I do everything during the week regardless of work days or not. Including nursery collections, dishwasher, washing machine, hoovering, cooking, cleaning etc etc.
He sleeps in spare room during the week as baby keeps him up in night, he wakes frequently and I’m still breastfeeding.
I’m starting to feel a bit resentful. I appreciate that On non work days I should do all of the things even though I have DS but a bit of help, even just doing the dishwasher would help....but he works full time. AIBU to feel resentful??
He’s not an unreasonable person and doesn’t have draconian views of women and housework. Maybe it’s just a lack of thought?

YellowFlower201 · 09/02/2018 09:10

I think it is pretty concerning that your sister has not bothered to speak to her child for nearly a week, but she has time to complain about him to you. What's going on there? I'd be worried about him tbh.
He's a 14 year old boy and it may appear to him that nobody wants him and/or cares for him.
I'd ask him what's going on at school. I'd also ring them and try and speak to his teacher.
Your sister is awful for not speaking to him and you should tell her so!

Supercala123 · 09/02/2018 09:12

I didn’t mean to post that there! I’m an idiot and sorry!

brotherphil · 09/02/2018 09:19

I didn’t mean to post that there! I’m an idiot and sorry

We all make mistakes. Don't sweat it. YANBU - it may well be that there is a reasonable balance of chores - I'm not in a position to comment on that - but even if there is, you can't actually see what he's doing at work, so it's natural to feel resentment, even if intellectually you know that this is misplaced. OTOH, it probably wouldn't hurt him to muck in a bit at weekends.

HungerOfThePine · 09/02/2018 09:45

Haven't read the whole thread but he seriously needs an intervention of some kind.
He is at a crucial stage at high school and the less he goes the more behind he will get and make returning much harder.

Your sister is just rolling over and not taking charge, she's not doing him any favours.
If he is depressed then he needs all the help she can get for him.

I hope she can get to the school and have an action plan in place, even half days of the most essential classes to build up to or atleast some homeschooling.

Voice of experience I wasn't depressed but had no family support and was severely bullied. I tried returning on my own volition but I felt so behind and suffocated there that I never went back.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 10:14

Op again. I think she sees this as a "break" rather than a call for help. My older daughter is unwell now so I have two sick kids of my own to look after. She still hasn't spoken to him at all so like I said I believe she sees it as a break. I'm not very young I'm in my late 20s but I would be very young to have had a 14 year old. (My sister is older than me.)

OP posts:
fizzysister · 09/02/2018 10:18

I know OP has disappeared but feel the need to stress just how disturbing this is to read. Basic compassion is lacking; he is your family. I've seen no evidence that you do actually care here- not saying you don't btw- but its possible that your DN doesnt see it either. Your attitude / priorities seem odd. Maybe you've had a dysfunctional family life and are still labouring under its effects? If so, try to begin putting an end to the cycle of dysfunction by stepping up for your DN. I suggest deprioritising posting on MN and using that mental/emotional energy and time to connect with DN.

Original poster
Dancingfairy · 09/02/2018 10:22

He wouldn't be staying in my house if I didn't care. I asked my sister to take him camhs/drs in October. She didn't. What do you want me to do walk in her house and drag him there with my 4 children trailing behind me?

OP posts:
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