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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another in-law one...

443 replies

forfuxache · 06/02/2018 15:52

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

OP posts:
isshoes · 07/02/2018 15:25

“but I wouldn't berate someone for not behaving the way we are.”

Apart from on this thread when that’s literally all you’ve done GreatDuckCookery

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2018 15:27

Rubbish. There's a big difference in not agreeing with someone and purposefully picking out certain bits of a post just for the hell of it.

LindySprint · 07/02/2018 15:34

Rubbish

You really don't like being challenged, do you, Duck?

Graphista · 07/02/2018 15:34

Also - every mother of older children who delights in telling people how "close" they are usually have a deeply dysfunctional controlling relationship with their DC.

I know of one family of 4 daughters one son (my sis best mates with one of the dd) where the mother describes them as "close". The DC get several phone calls a day, lots of texts, Sunday dinner, Christmas dinner etc is always at their parents.

Reasons supposedly "well daughters are closer to their mums aren't they." But the son does the same there are HUGE repercussions if mum isn't pandered to or - God forbid - one of the DC in law DARE suggest spending Christmas dinner with their family. There are days out en masse even holidays. (And for the 2 youngest siblings this is their only holiday each year - and no the parents don't pay for it but DC still expected to go). It's bizarre!

Graphista · 07/02/2018 15:35

Duck - yea I'm with others re based on your tone here your DIL likely has a VERY different take on your relationship than you do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2018 15:36

Odd comment Lindy.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/02/2018 15:39

but they are both grandparents well yes but only one of them is the not her of the person that gave birth. It's not just about seeing the baby it's about the mother of said baby being comfortable, if she has had a difficult birth etc I don't see how it's unreasonable for her to want to see her own mum first. It's not choosing 1 grandparent over another it's about a woman who maybe is struggling wanting her own mother to talk to/help her.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/02/2018 15:40

*mother of the person who gave birth.
Fat fingers.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2018 15:44

You are scraping the barrel now. There's no obligation for anyone to come to us at Christmas. You'll be horrified to know that the Christmas before last we spent it with DS and DIL at her parents.

Get your head round that one!

Graphista · 07/02/2018 15:49

Not sure you understand what "scraping the barrel" means Confused

I was describing a family I know irl where this is the case - didn't say yours was like that.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2018 15:51

Great Duck didn't you say you don't commander [sic]?

I think you may have succeeded in commandeering OPs thread and making much of it all about you!

readysteadyteddy · 07/02/2018 15:51

Graphista That's my mother-in-law. She facebooks about her "close" family. She lies about family holidays that never happen. I was most surprised to see my name in a post about how we all went to some Spanish all-inclusive resort I wouldn't be seen dead in and rang to ask her why she had lied. Apparently some old school friend had gone on holiday with her entire family (though unlike MIL she had the pictures to prove it) so MIL decided to one-up her.

MIL has one daughter she hasn't seen for a decade. She's still included in these made up posts though.

Ickyockycocky · 07/02/2018 15:56

Also - every mother of older children who delights in telling people how "close" they are usually have a deeply dysfunctional controlling relationship with their DC

Your anecdotal evidence doesn't prove your very sweeping statement. I believe you are wrong with your every mother rubbish.

InToMyHeart · 07/02/2018 16:03

Wouldn't it be great if we were all as wonderful as @GreatDuckCookery clearly is! Do you buy your halo polish in bulk?

Graphista · 07/02/2018 16:05

ok - every I'VE KNOWN to describe their family thus has a deeply dysfunctional relationship with their adult DC.

Of course I wasn't meaning I know that to 100% be true but being an old(er) git and having mixed in varying cultures and communities that's what I've noticed.

gingergenius · 07/02/2018 16:07

@InToMyHeart Grin

Helendee · 07/02/2018 16:09

Icky

I love it. Well said. 🙂

Backenette · 07/02/2018 16:09

ok - every I'VE KNOWN to describe their family thus has a deeply dysfunctional relationship with their adult DC.

This has been my experience as well.

Dobbythesockelf · 07/02/2018 16:12

My mil loves to tell people how close she is to her kids. In reality my dh avoids her most of the time, she has been known to post pics of our dd taken by us and claimed that she was involved in said activity. I dunno if anyone believes her because we live 3 hours away from her.....

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2018 16:21

What do you me to say? Should I lie to make you all feel better? I've never exclaimed I'm perfect, nobody is, but I try hard to be a good mum and a good MIL.

So shoot me.

And trying to make out I've got a dysfunctional family is really quite hurtful. Are there no depths you will go to?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2018 16:32

You could just stop posting on this thread... start one of your own, maybe! But you at getting a hard time (much of it tongue in cheek from what I can see because you have stomped your perspective all over the thread and are still motoring on... and on... If you just stopped there could be no further jollity at your expense!

GreatDuckery indeed!

BlackEyedKid · 07/02/2018 16:35

Placemarking

RadioGaGoo · 07/02/2018 16:36

Icky, as we are talking about birth, if a grandmother feels second best because she was not the first grandmother to lay eyes on her grandchild, that's her issue.

If a grandmother feels second best after, then she needs to discuss that with the DIL or her DC and the relationship needs to be worked on.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/02/2018 16:37

Why on earth would I start my own thread?!
It's good to get a MILs perspective every now and then. It's gives all the DILs a chance to get all that pent up angst off their chests Wink

RadioGaGoo · 07/02/2018 16:41

Trouble is Duck, your perspective appears to be that if the relationship with a DIL is not as fabulous as yours, then these DIL's are MIL haters.

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