Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

'Let your kids go'
That's quite funny really. On both mine and DH's birthday my grown up children were round here at 9am getting us out of bed because they had presents and cards. And no they didn't ring beforehand but we are ok with that and wouldn't have it any other way.

Don't worry though we don't do the same to them on their birthday

Wornout - that's quite extreme 5 years!!

Elmer I read that one out to dd and her face was she said she'd probably launch a bedpan at anyone tried that when she has a baby

Why do some MIL's get so arsey if DIL's DM sees the grandchild first? If your daughter had just given birth and wanted to see you (and because of that the baby), but your son in laws mother started to get angry because she wanted to see the baby at the same time, would you just accept that? It's ridiculous.

I have a DS. When the time comes and his wife has given birth, there is no way I would expect to see the baby straight away. I'm also not so jealous or irrational to be stroppy or claim that 'I have no voice or opinion' if the other GP's meet the baby first.

On both mine and DH's birthday my grown up children were round here at 9am getting us out of bed because they had presents and cards

I'd be quite unimpressed if my DD did that as she has finals exams 300 miles away.

Does the baby only have one parent Radio? What about the father? Are his parents not important to him then?

What has your DD and her exams got to do with me Lindy?

What has your family got to do with any of us, Duck?

radio

Agree and that’s precisely why I get on very well with my dils and they want us involved in their lives.

great

I have 3 sons who have been brought up to put their partners needs first and naturally most women who have given birth want their own mum first. How is that not obvious and sensible

duck

Do your grown up children have partners?

Got to say if mine woke me up at 9 on my birthday I would be flabbergasted and pissed off. I like a lie in on my birthday

Why do some MIL's get so arsey if DIL's DM sees the grandchild first?

Fuck knows. Mine counts the days my parents visit (from overseas so 1-2x a year at most) and sulks if they have ‘more’ time than her.
And yet she’s never offered to babysit ds, never helps us out (we neither ask nor expect but boy she helps her daughter out enough.) it’s more like a status thing than a genuine desire to see ds. They pitch up on their way to do something, always earlier by days /hours than the time we’ve said we are OK (we both wfh) and sulk if we are working. They don’t babysit, they basically want to arrive, be fed, criticise us and take pictures for Facebook. Then leave early in a huff after some percieived slight (example, no thank you MIL, I’d prefer you not to redecorate my living room, please sit down and relax and have a coffee and don’t nail the load of awful pictures you brought to my walls/dig up my garden because you think that plant looks better there.)

Right now he’s only very little but I can imagine him feeling quite rejected when he gets older and compares how his cousins are treated. But god forbid if my mum stays for six days twice a year because that’s clearly doing them some terrible wrong. Very peculiar dynamic, lots of sulking and emotional manipulation - which I absolutely hate.

The upshot of it all is that my dh prefers spending time with my parents than his. Which is kind of sad.

GreatDuck. Sorry, I should have spelt it out to you that DS's dad father was there during the birth.

Are you trying to tell me that you have to see your DC on their birthday, but you would quite happily wait to see your DC and their new baby until the other grandparent was available?

I was replying to the let your kids go comment Lindy explaining that it's my children who come round early on our birthdays.

DS's father was there, not FIL (DS's dad father was a mistake)

But I guess some would expect the IL to be invited to that too.

What?

I'm sorry did the dad just birth a baby?? I don't think so. A woman has given birth, maybe it was traumatic, maybe she is in pain, she has sore bits, leaky boobs and probably feels emotional, she might want her mum for reassurance and you honestly think that her partner's mum should also come along just cause it's their grandchild as well. Maybe the mum is their to see her daughter rather than just the baby. I don't see why women should be forced to put in smiles and see someone that they are not comfortable seeing so soon after having a baby.

When our GC was born we said we'd be led by Ds and DIL to when we could visit. They were lovely about it and said that obviously we were invited to see the baby the same time DILs parents visited. I was invited to the 20 week scan too which was a privilege.

So what Duck? Because not all DIL's do that they are MIL haters?

I hope I'm lucky enough to get a dil like yours GreatDuck, sounds a bit unlikely from the posters on this thread.

@GreatDuckCookery what a ridiculous thing to say. Of course the baby doesn't only have one parent.

But the Father didn't push a baby out of his penis. Of course his needs come last in this scenario.

@greatduckcookery...I would love to hear your Dil true stance on all of this, would make an interesting read I'm sure!

Well my mil is a narcisstic cow, who has made my life hell on many occasions but I must be a mil hater rather than just someone who has my own boundaries etc.

Why do some MILs get so arsey if DIL's DM sees the grandchild first?

I think perhaps some MILs get sick of always being seen as less important that the DIL's DM.

Interesting how having a good DIL is considered down to luck other than fostering healthy relationships.

Lindysprint

My grandchildren are all home educated or too young for school.

I'm not sure why PP think I gave priority to my mum over MIL when my daughter was born. As I've said previously, both sets of GPs and our siblings all met DD in hospital within 3 days of her birth. Then, when we came home we said no visitors please for a couple of days so I could recover from what was a very traumatic birth and subsequent few days. The only person to kick off was MIL. No one else minded.

My mother picked up some shopping for us, including personal bits for me, dropped it in and went home. She can't have been here longer than 20 minutes, and she did us a favour. How is that giving her priority? In any case MIL didn't even know because we never mentioned it!

It's lovely that someone's DIL invited them to a 20 week scan. That's her preference. I certainly wouldn't want my MIL there, but then I wouldn't want my own mother there either. It's a medical appointment to check that there are no abnormalities with the baby, not a jolly! But each to their own. I don't even tell anyone when my scans are, we let them know after it's all done and dusted and we know everything is ok. Same with birth - we never told anyone when I went into labour, just when DD was born. We'll have to tell someone this time because of DD but it will be one person only - most likely my mum. Gasp! How horrifying.