Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

At this stage, they've probably already succeeded in "spoiling the mood" for poor Fox, whatever about her poor DH looking forward to it later....(not sure whether to at Fox or and ILs - you can decide for yourselves.....)

I think that if they're likely to stay for longer than half an hour, and given the unchangeable timescales of your dh arriving home and you starting to eat, and given that it's already quite late, pushing it later is, well, pushing it. If your dh got home at 6 then pushing a 6.30 meal to 7 or 7.30 is one thing - but a 3 course meal and if dh is working tomorrow (and if you're working/chasing toddler/having morning sickness etc) then you don't want to be starting later (and later and later if the don't get the message and bugger off promptly...)

Tell PIL that they are being unreasonable, that they have had several days notice that they are not to come around tonight but to come a different night and that it's very unfair to be so unreasonable and ignore your very reasonable request - and further more to dump it on you at the last minute, stressing you out when you least need it. (do they know you are pg yet? Will they notice if you're not drinking/not drinking much? just to add to your stress if they don't know and you don't want to announce anything yet!)

But hold your nerve, don't let them come because if you do they'll know they can push your boundaries further and further as there's a good chance they will get away with it...

I think you should be happy your in laws care - lots of people have family that don't care and so it's really nice you do.

I've had countless birthdays where we've not had dinner or a takeaway at 10.30 because my PiL and parents pop in to say happy birthday. It might not be my idea of a great evening but at least they care and we usually plan a 'birthday' meal the day before or after

YANBU at all op! Bit pathetic that they can't just see him at the weekend.
Plus you've invited them over for a meal so I'm assuming they'd end up spending more time with him then?

If they're anything like mine, they'll stay for ages as well and an hour in the evening is golden when you've got a toddler!!

Don't stress op, you've done nothing wrong. Let them sulk x

You're not being unreasonable, your in laws sound just like mine. I'd just say, "Great we'll see you at the weekend then", that's what I do when my in laws are trying to be pushy, just shut the discussion down.

Enjoy your meal in peace

No, they don't know I'm pregnant yet. We were planning on telling them when they come at the weekend. Only them and my parents will know before 12 weeks. DH thought it'd be nicer to have them over and tell them face to face than on the phone. They'll be delighted. They are a pain with stuff like this but they are really lovely grandparents.

I'd prob tell them just to pop card in and see him so he gets it on the day.

They won't stay now you've told them you are cooking a supper for him.

YANBU
As your MIL hates being told no I'd be prepared for her to turn up anyway then stay all evening to show you not to ever cross her. ( My parents are like this my IL's were lovely )
I hope they don't have a key.
Have a lovely romantic evening with your dh just leave the key in the door and don't answer it should they ignore your wishes.
You didn't hear them knock as you were otherwise engaged.
They're CF's on a power trip.

YANBU. Given that your DH has hardly any evening, they will be right in the way.

Tell them you have a special reason for wanting them to come at the weekend.

Then do something (small) to reveal your exciting news - maybe get some cookies with it written on them or something.

It'll feel like a special occasion, then, and they should forget about the perceived "slight".

Sorry but YABU. It's their sons birthday. Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?

Does them coming at 7.30pm while you are cooking dinner not work for you?

Tell them you are now going out for a romantic meal.
Turn the lights off and don't answer the door if they knock.

If you've told them you have made plans then they would be rude to turn up.

We are big on making sure recipient has their birthday card on the actual day but we'd post it out earlier or drop it into the letterbox and save the present for another day. Certainly wouldn't spoil somebody's plans.

"Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?"

Not after the age of 15 or so! Seriously, I haven't seen my parents on my birthday for decades.

The best suggestion is that your DH calls on them on his way home for a cup of tea and to get his present, that gives you longer to prepare for your special evening and hopefully keeps everyone happy?

i actually feel a bit sorry for your DH - stuck in the middle and everyone wanting a piece of him .

Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?

Only if it suits them. What if they went away for their birthday? I'd just make sure my DC had their card/pressie beforehand to open on the day.

I'd phone them on the morning of their birthday aswell.

The best suggestion is that your DH calls on them on his way home for a cup of tea and to get his present

Perfect solution.

Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?
not grown-ups, no.
It's great to see them at some point to celebrate, but on the actual day it's really not necessary. Many Primary school children (very young ones I mean) don't even celebrate their birthdays on the day, but wait until the nearest weekend. As much as I like birthdays, I find the OP's In Laws ridiculous.

"Sorry but YABU. It's their sons birthday. Doesn't everyone want to see their dc on their birthday?"
He's 35. Not 5.

"Does them coming at 7.30pm while you are cooking dinner not work for you?"
OP said - quote - "They definitely would not stay just half an hour. An hour at the very least, probably longer."

I'd recommend if they do have the cheek to arrive anyway, OP opens the door in bra & knickers, saying firmly "now doesn't suit. as we told you.", and close the door!

People who are lucky enough not to have boundary challenged members of their family don't realise how lucky they are. It's exhausting having to wonder what stunt these sort of individuals are going to pull next. Such boundary-less people think everything is about them.

If they're away then obviously they can't see them but in this instance he's not.

People are so fickle. I bet there's a thread on MN moaning of the fact that the bastard PILs never came to see their darling son on his birthday.

Can't do right for doing wrong.

YNBU in my books. You’ve offered an opportunity for a different time and even offered to cook. I’d reiterate and say: let me know which day works best for the weekend and we’ll see you then. Clear cut and simple.

Enjoy tonight OP ;)

Blimey do people really expect to see their 35 year olds on their birthday ?

Umm - I would let them pop over for 30 mins. It's your DH birthday. Let him have his card and gift and politely usher them out

My MIL is the same but as my DH gets in from work late we have managed to avoid her coming round on the day. However, DD birthday is a Bank Holiday so we celebrate with a party on a different day but they still insist on coming on the actual day too! I'm due DS soon and his birthday won't be a BH so hoping they'll accept just seeing him on the party day.

I don't think anyone is unreasonable to ask, but insisting then sulking is

Even if it were convenient for them to come for a short while I'd say "no, that isn't going to work today" because they kept badgering.

I have an adult kid, I'm ok with not seeing him on his actual birthday if he is busy but doing it a few days later... because he is an adult and has a life.