Another in-law one...

[forfuxache]

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

You know the funny thing @GreatDuckCookery ? Generally I get on well with my MIL. Apart from these few ridiculous occasions, she's lovely.

She just needs reminding where the boundaries lie sometimes, that's all.

Until that post you seemed to try to give the impression your children weren't old enough for you to be a mil.

As I said my (now ex) in laws were quite good. Even over a decade post divorce we still catch up occasionally, shame their son was such a shit really

My parents are a fucking nightmare though so I understand what it's like dealing with narcissists who can only see THEIR needs.

I think I win on "when grandchild first seen by grandparents" though as dd was almost 6 months before any family saw her. Not a choice but circumstances.

We were living overseas at the time, I wasn't medically able to travel until then and the grandparents also in poor health. My brother has great difficulty getting a decent amount of time off work at the best of times (police officer) and was going through his own stuff at the time and my sister had a broken leg. Exs sister a single mum to 2 little ones at the time so had enough on without being pressed into service by us.

They were mostly fab when they did get to see her, exs dad was besotted from the off. My mother immediately launched into everything I was doing wrong

My children vary in ages Graphista.

I get on just fine with my DIL

My MIL says this, Duck

She's totally wrong from where I'm standing.

Typical stance from the MIL haterz then handy. MILs are always wrong.

Mils are not always wring Duck, but their are times when they are, just like DIL's can be a PITA.

Most on Mumsnet are giving their own experiences.

*wrong

Of course Radio but handy was insinuating that DIL didn't think our relationship was fine which she's wrong about.

I'm with the Op as in l love my Mil to bits and she is a good, decent and generous human being. But when she tries every trick in the book to commandeer my life like this l often daydream of burying her under the patio. So it is possible to love your Mil /teenage dcs/a 'high maintenance' friend yet occasionally want to throttle them. Hths.

Hi, away to turn 20 on Valentine's Day. My parents are coming down this Saturday as was more convenient for all involved, partner is taking me out on my actual birthday for dinner. Has been similar in past, birthday celebrations on the weekend and a phone call to say happy birthday on the actual day will suffice. I am quite close with parents even then, doesn't mean we'll defy logic. Parents always decide which weekend and I've never felt miffed they don't want to celebrate on actual day as I have friends and partner of my own. If my birthday fell on sat or sun would be different. Tell your DH to tell your PIL to get a grip

Well it's a good job I know my place and don't commander anything Bahhh

I don't get why it's an issue that the pil didn't get to see baby for a week after she was born. I mean it isn't their baby. The babies mother was ill and wanted some time to recover I don't know understand what's wrong with that. I had an emergency section followed by being quite sick myself which led me going back to hospital 5 days after dd was born. If someone had cried at me that it wasn't fair I would have shouted at them. It wasn't fair that I felt so shit, it wasn't fair that my baby had nearly died. Shockingly enough it wasn't about anyone else.

With you GreatDuck, I knew 100% that the op had given her own mum priority over visiting brand new grandchild, - who has two sets of grandparents. You could see it a mile away.

As a future mil, I just need to not have an opinion and certainly not to voice one. Oh and not hope to see my ds on his birthday for half an hour. Thanks to MN insight, at least I'll know how to behave.

But the OP said both sets of parents had visited in hospital. And her mum brought her some medication she wasn't comfortable asking anyone else to pick up. Which surely you can understand I mean I spent 3 months vomiting with each pregnancy, I didn't want my mil helping with that, but my mum has seen me vomit plenty of times. It wasn't about the baby it was about th poorly mum of the baby

Op has said both sets of grandparents and others had met baby before a week old when they were still in hospital.

When DIL/baby's mother has had a traumatic birth I think it's understandable to err toward wanting her own mum to help out. They're usually closer and when anyone is "sick" they tend to want mum.

There are exceptions, but it's rare. My mil was much more supportive and open minded than my mother. Eg pressure from my mum to stop bf whereas mil understood why it was important to me and even told her son off for being unsupportive of this. (Had mild mastitis - not ideal but not a reason to stop - was soon sorted, ex was pissed off cos it meant he had to actually DO stuff, my mum has a weird attitude to bf believing it's only necessary for first 2 weeks - no idea where she's got that from)

People seem to treat birth like it's a minor side effect to having a baby and not the massive upheaval it is and can be. Why some people cant understand that not everyone feels the same way and that's ok is beyond me.

Plus, OP did let everyone visit in the hospital!

As did I infact, much to my regret afterwards. If I had another baby in hospital I wouldn't allow visitors unless I wanted them, my mental health is too important.

My mum was at 2 of my 3 births.

I doubt mil would have wanted to be there but even if she had, she wouldn't begrudge my mum that in the slightest because it was about what i needed in order to cope, not about first baby cuddles.

Slithy - yes! Dd and I almost died, she was in scbu for a week, took me months to even be able to stand for decent periods of time, yet even at the time people seemed to be "well it's having a baby what did you expect,"

Greatduck - did you see the thread about the mil who inappropriately used her hospital ID to gain access to birthing suite, talked her way round staff in order to hold the baby even before the mother could?

Graphista, I think I win on that, actually - my mother has yet to meet my 5 year old or my 2 year old. she just doesn't seem bothered (we're not NC or anything), and I can't afford to take the kids there to see her (only a couple of hours by train)

Graphista- that was bloody awful! I'd never speak to mine again if she did that. It's just too far of a line to cross and unforgivable.
Oops... am I about to be labelled a MIL "hater"

It's great if people feel well enough and want to see both sets of grandparents but mothers who don't have smooth births or who don't feel up to visitors are made out to be unfair or horrible DILs for that reason.

If you'd had major surgery or a near death experience not involving a baby, people would understand.

So why do some PIL and Parents feel their needs trump the mothers because they have a baby grandchild. It's so weird and very very selfish!!

My DD and DDIL ask me and DH to take days off work on our grandchildrens' birthdays so that we can all go out together for a special day. I thought that was pretty normal in a loving family.

My children would have been at school.

Do they all expect their sons to live close enough to visit?? For ever? To never move away for work?

I find it’s this kind of MIL who causes issues. The type who thinks her clan should be around them at their beck and call and are basically an extension of the self rather than their own people.

My son's 19 and he already lives away (at university) and probably always will now, given his degree subject / year in industry requirement.

If I told him I specifically wanted to see him on his birthday he'd be very . In fact he'd probably wonder if I was losing it.

Blimey I adore all my 5 grown up children but really I don’t have a tantrum if I couldn’t see them on their birthday. They have adult lives as do me and dh.

I also adore my dils but absolutkry understand them wanting their own mothers having priority over me after giving birth just like I expect my own dds to want me over their mils.

Let your kids go! Their own partners and chikdren should come first