AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

Former civil servant here.

I was you at one point. I got a third at uni and watched all my mates good jobs while I collected the Dole. I was so depressed. Then I saw an ad for a charity who wanted people for admin work and evenings packing advert material. I worked there on and off, gradually building up skills.

Then at the Job Centre I saw an add for admin people in the civil service. Applied and got that. It was AA grade, as low as you can get. After a year I applied to another department and jumped two grades. Then another and another. All the while doing all the courses I could. I stopped at Grade 7 because I wanted to diversify a bit.

I left to change career in my 40s and am about to start again at the bottom. In five years I hope to be in a senior role again.

OP you sound depressed and I think this is the main problem. Please see your doctor and discuss this.

I would say having children while feeling like this will not be a magic cure to happiness. Children are tiring, it's stressful, it's relentless. Most people I know feel like they loose themselves early on. It sounds like you have already lost a bit of your identity somewhere along the line.

You need to focus on finding what makes you happy and work on that.

I wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who didn’t work, wouldn’t study, had very low confidence, couldn’t find solutions for themselves and relied on me for full financial support either, so I don’t blame your DP if he doesn’t want a baby with you

Wow, what a horrible thing to say. OP has low self esteem and you think you'll just kick her when she's down?!

OP I think there are some harsh responses here. I'm guessing your DP is content with the children he already has and isn't too fussed about having more?

I admire that your partner isn't upsetting his children's existence so that he can afford to have a baby with you.

That said, there's no reason you can't afford to have a baby with some planning. I think you need to move on and find someone who doesn't have children. Why add this complication to your life?

Your job situation and the baby situation are separate. I think the job comes first. What do you want to do? What experience do you have?

My sister accidentally fell pregnant at 18. Completely broke, she looked for jobs in childcare centres where they allowed her to bring her daughter. Finished her degree and created a successful career, bought a house and now in her 40s has met a lovely man who she is settling down with. I think you need to think outside the box a bit - I'm sorry but I think you have some self limiting beliefs like you can't afford to move out of London....it sounds like you can't afford to live in London. The north is much cheaper. Go for a drive and find a place you like the look of and explore it. There are also some great transport routes now into London from cheaper towns.

@stupidshittyartsdegree sorry I haven’t read the full thread but wondered if you’d tried Udemy or similar where you can do online Adobe cloud courses in Photoshop, InDesign etc. I think they vary in price but start from £10 and would give you a good starter for ten. You don’t even need to buy the product as you could use the free 30 day trial.

Why not have a baby first then think about retraining after? The ability to retrain won't disappear in 10 years but your fertility and energy may.

I don't think someone who is struggling with their mental health is in a good place to have a baby to be honest. Lack of baby and lack of career aren't actually the sole causes nor getting them the solution to this. Just listen to OP.

Op go and discuss this with your Doctor. If you are on the waiting list for counselling, go and tell them you need help now. Get some help and advice from the professionals. It might not have worked fully before, but you need to seek help - it really is the first step. If you can tell your DP about all this, then do and get him to go with you. If you can't go alone, but phone up first thing tomorrow and get an appointment for this week.

A different angle on it-

You love your partner and are happy with him. How close are you to his kids? Do you feel like a step mum to them? Why not focus on the positives of that relationship instead?

You may have to choose between your relationship and the possibility of having kids. If you are not willing to say to your current partner that having kids is really important and a deal breaker to you, then you are going to have to settle for what you already have. If you cannot, as a couple, afford kids because of his lifestyle choice of sending his kids to private school (two kids, as non boarders, once they get to secondary school will probably be costing around £30k per year, so if they weren't in private school you would definitely be able to afford kids of your own btw!), and not getting to have kids of your own isn't a deal breaker, then why not try to scratch the itch of your maternal instincts by focussing your efforts on the relationship you have with them....

Alternatively, if having kids of your own IS a deal breaker, you have some tough decisions to make. You either need to set out your stall with your current partner, or leave the relationship and find someone else who can give you what you need.

He who says he can't and he who says he can are both usually right.

You’d also be entitled to help like child tax credits, working tax credits

It would be deeply irresponsible to have this as a factor in such a big decision.

PS also try looking at voluntary work as a way of diversifying your CV, building up contacts and, yes, confidence, as it might lead on to more career opportunities in future. Maybe try looking at charities with an arts focus who would be interested in someone with your skill set, or childrens charities who maybe provide "art therapy" programmes, see what you can get involved with. I really think it could give you a boost and might help you find your new direction. :)

I’m quite shocked at the amount of people implying his existing child related costs are not important enough to be the main factor in his decision.

They should be and it’s a good thing that to him they are important.

I’m quite shocked at the amount of people implying his existing child related costs are not important enough to be the main factor in his decision.

They should be and it’s a good thing that to him they are important.

I totally agree, and isn't it nice to see this.

Whether a child needs private education or not is neither here nor there, it's a decision that shouldn't be made without seeing it through.

Here's a man who remains true to his children, even in the face of a new woman.

^This

Oh bless you, OP. Hope that you had a good run. Your thread has come a long way and hopefully given you somethings to think about. Posting here was a brave thing to do - I hope that it opens new ideas for you, new ways of thinking about your life to come, and what you have been through too.

Whilst you are waiting for your bereavement counselling, do be aware that there is a bereavement section on MN with people who will understand how you feel. It's interesting that you didn't mention your bereavement in your opening post - it will have had a big impact on your life, but it doesn't have to be a negative impact. Be angry about it if you wish - it's a bloody unfair thing to happen to anyone - but do also hold onto the fact that you did what you could and that the experience you went through will have made you a more mature person than many at your age.

By the way, I totally remember going to evening classes which were ghastly and confidence destroying. They always start in the autumn, so I have memories of long dark cold nights being miserable trying to learn something new. Volunteering with organisations you feel sympathetic towards, or excited about is much more fun!

OP - sorry if I repeat what others say as I haven't read the whole threat.

My answer is to re-invent yourself!

I was in a similar position about 8 years ago... useless art type degree, small child and no real job prospects. One of the biggest drawbacks was a toddler & 6 (!) years of training in a very niche filed - I had to explain a lot and nobody would take the risk employing me.
To get out of the situation, I started doing cheap computer courses and worked my way through the basics. I tidied up my CV focusing on my creativity and IT skills (what I had learned in a short time and always getting 95-100% in tests/ exams to demonstrate ability to learn/ adjust quickly and open to new things).
I'm not painting a rosy picture... it was hard and exhausting. The job market isn't very good around my part of the country either - think shift work in a warehouse with min wage, employers looking for a certain type of person - not what I had to offer!
Anyway it took me about a good part of a year to get a break... which was a job for a small online business describing products for different websites... It was only just above min wage but a start!
Fast forward a few years, I'm heavily involved in online marketing / advertising for a bigger company. The pay is around national average & I can work from home.
(No official training other than my art type degree...and basic computer courses with 5+ year's experience in the field.)

How old are your partner's existing children? Teens? Primary school?

Tax credits would make up the shortfall.

Children from a previous marriage needing private school fees??Nobody needs private school fees. It's a choice. Looks like the reason you can't afford a child is because your partner is committed to his other family.

Today 13:24 FancyNewBeesly

You’d also be entitled to help like child tax credits, working tax credits (depending on your partner and their salary), child benefit, maybe other things. I have twins and at this age they don’t cost that much, I buy everything I can second hand!

Great advice have a baby the people who bothered to get a job will pay for it

As a single mum, working on above minimum wage just and still paying for everything struggling big time. If you are in a relationship why are you struggling? Children are not just because it’s what you’ve always wanted. You have to think about everything that comes with it. It’s more stress than “happy family time” that social media shows. Just because you are in a serious relationship it doesn’t mean you should have a baby

Viviennemary, it might be an idea to read previous posts?

You may feel more secure if you manage to get a permanent job, with sick pay, holiday pay. I believe that if you have been in work for x amount of months you will be eligible for maternity pay
Some big companies will provide free training and pay for some exams
There should be opportunities to progress
Have you looked at jobs working for local council, tax office, call centres, schools, hospitals, universities ?

Other places are cheaper for living expenses and accomodation than London