AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

Sorry re the extra first "i have put" ! not supposed to be there.

Get yourself some help ASAP.
Thinking you’re not normal is not healthy and it’s a lie. No one is normal.
Same with thinking you’re a failure

I never said I was entitled to a good job because of my degree, that is nonsense. I said I did my degree stupidly thinking I'd eventually have a job I loved that paid a reasonable amount. Yes i know, stupid.

I don't think other people are thick for working in entry level jobs. I said I feel I am thick, that is my personal opinion simply because it's my experience. I have TRIED to get better paid jobs, had opportunities that could have been amazing where I wasn't kept on as a temp because I was never quite right.

That makes me feel stupid. It's my private opinion of myself apart from on an anonymous forum. It is no judgement on anyone else.

In terms of confidence, I did find therapy to be very helpful. They're trained to get to the root cause of your feelings at your own pace, and then help you come up with strategies for them. Would your DP have private health insurance via his work that could cover it? My work Bupa coverage paid for mine.

It might be lower paid but roles like internal communications or event management can be really good for creative types - especially in larger organisations you would likely get paid maternity leave after a year plus other benefits. Or you could look into something creative you could do from home to get your confidence up, e.g. making art, prints, jewellery etc to sell on etsy or eBay. You're actually really lucky to have creative skills - creativity is something that is quite rare and also hard to train people to do, if that makes sense!

You seem to be looking at the negative sides of what you can't do, but maybe you need an outside opinion of what you are good at, it can be hard to see it yourself when you're feeling down. Do you have a trusted friend or colleague apart from DP who you could ask where they think your strengths lie? They might surprise you!

Kindly, existing children’s housing deposits are not your concern. If you can upskill while you stay at home with a baby, then great. We did something similar - when my oldest son was younger, my husband gave up work for a year to do an MA in order for him to change career. We’re a team - we work together so that we can both be happy and fulfilled. This is what you need a bit more of.

Do you want a baby right now? Or in a couple of years? What’s your priority; the baby or a new job? There are some important decisions for you to make, but I think you need to discuss them with your partner honestly and frankly.

Bizarre thread.

OP, you may love your DP but you and he are not thinking like a couple. Deciding to have children is something a couple decides to do together, not singly. And if he doesn't want to have a child with you then you need to decide whether you would rather stay with him, accepting that you will always be the childless girlfriend, or whether you would rather go and find someone else who actually wants to commit to you and have children with you.

If you and DP do want to commit (marry?) and have children together then how you will finance them is a family decision, not yours alone to make. DP has made his decision to get together with a childless young woman in her 30s. Assuming that you haven't been telling him vigorously for years that you never want children and then had an overnight change of heart, the idea that a serious relationship with you might involve having more children cannot be a complete shock to him. What does he plan to do about it?

(Of course you can't take the DC out of their private school to finance more. But that doesn't mean that he shouldn't be making the effort to find other ways of providing, if he wants a future with you.)

Check out the National Careers service - they offer advice and support and could get you re-thinking your options. nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/ - I believe its free!!
and for heaven's sake move out of London and probably the SE altogether.

Could you look into becoming a teacher in a private school? You don't need a PGCE to work in one so would be getting paid straight away

Jesus wept! Just because you don’t need a PGCE doesn’t mean that they’ll accept just anybody.

Absolutely nothing about the OP has suggested that she has the confidence to teach without training.

Thank you all. It is clear to me that one of the problems with the earnings issue is that I don't feel any good at anything. I've lost all belief I could ever do anything useful or meaningful.

I'm 37. My career recently hit a dead end so I decided to have a baby. Regret nothing.

I have an older dd 16. Few years ago when her dad had a baby with his new partner, he reduced the amount of maintenance he paid. Totally fair dos. Circumstances change.

I've only read the first four pages so apologises if I've missed something obvious, but seems to me your main issue is dp problem.

Op, I think you need some help. The way you are seeing everything in your life as so miserable and hopeless isn't a good place to be in. You feel like you're in the pit with no way out and you are wallowing in it - either by choice to do so or possibly because you are depressed.

Go and see your Doctor.

I don't think antidepressants will help. It has to be me that changes on the inside, change my approach somehow. Medications won't do that, I've been there and done that and it didn't work for me.

There is no “be like everybody else”. EVRYONE has their own struggles to overcome. Your income could quite easily be in excess of £20k in London. Any admin type job would pay that and more. You sound depressed because you shut down each and every solution offered to you. Not seeing a way out etc is a sign of depression.

You need to make an action plan on how to sort out your mental health. There are different ads if the first ones didn’t work. You would benefit from talking therapy too.

I live in the South West, a short train ride to two creative cities. Houses where I live are quite cheap. Pick somewhere with decent public transport, job ops and move.

I am on a waiting list for therapy and I'm not prepared to experiment with any other medications apart from ones I've been on already that didn't help with this.

I did take one short term when I was at my worst with my bereavement. It helped when I was in severe pain. But didn't help with this feeling. I think sometimes too they can stop being as effective as they once were.

Thank you all for discussing this with me. I need to go for a run so will be offline for a bit, but I'm genuinely grateful. I need to try to come up with ways to build my confidence, it's so low and I just feel like muck on somebody's shoe.

Went to a function with DP over Christmas and was so tense when people spoke to me because I have nothing to say for myself, no career and no kids There's nothing to me! I used to have a lot of interests and hobbies, and then life kept getting more complex and I just ended up overwhelmed. There was no money to do my interests outside of work and trying to get a career going. I've lost myself totally.

whyteknyght makes some brilliant points! Either way OP, it does sound like you would benefit massively from counselling and having someone impartial to talk to in real life, when talking to us on this thread we are seeing it through our own experiences and assumptions.

I spent a long time in recruitment both at an agency and in-house, and I promise it's not too late to make the choices you want career-wise. It might mean showing some commitment to the area you choose eg short courses or short term internships, but one of the things employers love about older trainees is that they don't need to be babysat! They have a proven track record of turning up on time to work, taking responsibility and no messing about, aren't scared of picking up the phone to someone etc! Some apprentices I recruited were already in their 20s and 30s and are doing really well.

I think you need anti-depressants, as you can clearly only see in a tunnelled fashion, and will never sort your life out if you dnot feel you are worth it.

You've still not said what the dream career is, is it that you don't actually know?

Start again, go to the GP for anti-depressants for now. ask again about therepy. Look at admin roles, not entry level anything, a solid, albeit not exciting job that'll pay a decent amount and give you routine and a separate income from your DP's.

Sit down with yoru DP and ask what he wants over the next 5 years. Does he want to keep bobbing along or does he want DCs? Has marriage been mentioned?

People cope raising kids on in little to no money. It's more than possible.

Your partner will have to spread his wage evenly between the kids, and if that means no private school, oh well.

There's never enough money, nor is it the perfect time.

As for your lack of self confidence, you sound utterly browbeaten. Is your dp kind to you?

You did an arts degree because you loved it. It hasn't ended up in a well paid job.
Do you still love your subject?
If so, throw yourself into it. Immerse yourself in something you love. Spend 30 hours a week on it.
..and spend 35 hours per week earning £10 an hour in a call centre or warehouse. It won't quite be £20K but not far off. You were prepared to not be well paid but do something you love. You can still have that. I think you'll find that once you are feeling brighter and have worked out your life/work balance a bit better, that you will be able to find something more closely related to your chosen field.

Does you partner intend to have children with you?

If not, I guess thats the deal breaker.

If so, hes gonna fecking pay for them

PS The fact you can go for a run in this weather, while feeling this low, is proof you've got some grit and determination to turn this situation round OP! Well done!

@Peppers lots of people marry for money. Not my cup of tea but if having children is her number one priority a marriage of convenience is one way to do it if she can't cope with trying to earn the money herself anymore. Nothing wrong with that if she's serious about it.

Sorry if I've missed it, but you've still not said what your degree is in. It might make it easier for people to give advice on things such as conversion courses, potential careers etc.

The good thing about many arts degrees is that you can freelance. I know many mums who are writers, graphic designers etc who can fit this around their family.

But in all honesty, it sounds like you need to sort yourself out before you even begin to think about the future. Anti-depressants can help clear the fog in your brain, making it easier to think, and are good when combined with therapy.

Consider trying anti-depressants. If they didn't suit you before, ask not to be prescribed that one again. I did terribly on Prozac and Sertraline, Effexor was a lot better for me.

As people have said, apply for jobs, including outside of your field.

If you want to stay in your field, do the above anyway and learn to use InDesign/Photoshop/whatever in your spare time. You can follow online tutorials, or it might be worth checking out local your uni, I did quite a lot of reasonably priced training at mine (Publisher, Excel, Access, Photoshop).

brieandchilli has is spot on with this.

Your problem isn’t your job/wages, it’s that you want to have children with someone who is already committed to the ones he already has. You have put yourself into a complicated situation and to be honest that’s the choice you have made. If you hade chosen a partner who didn’t have children then you wouldn’t be feeling like you couldn’t afford them and your partner would be happy to support you and your children

If your OH was comitted to raising a second family with you then you wouldn't feel like this.