AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

Bloody hell what a drip feed.

You do realise that children are your responsibility until they’re 18 right? Your partner doesn’t have to provide private fees, uni fees or house deposits etc. If he’d rather do that than have another child with you then you have to decide what you want.

If you’re not happy with that arrangement then leave him. If you are, then you don’t get another child (unless you’re prepared for them not to have the same start and continued support through their life as their half siblings).

Either way, coming on to MN for a bit of self wallowing pity won’t get you anywhere.

So you say your partner could afford for you to SAH (and thus presumably also subsidise you in work?) for the first couple of years with a child, whilst still observing existing commitments to children's school fees. What then? Would he be using savings to do this? If not, if it's income, why would that suddenly stop being affordable after a couple of years?

Could you look into becoming a teacher in a private school? You don't need a PGCE to work in one so would be getting paid straight away.

Leave London. I didn't have my first child until I was 41. Life is not passing you by.
And, by the way, leave London.
It can be done.

Errr I think the problem here is not that you can't afford a child but that your partner doesn't want to have a child with you.

If you both wanted a child you would find a way to mate it work. Keeping kids in a happy but unnecessary private education is not a good enough reason IMO and it also just sounds like a convenient excuse!

I do sympathise with you. I did a creative degree, but unless you 'make it' in the particular area it is tough.

Have you thought of PGCE? You can do paid ones as well as full time.

You don't even have to teach afterwards- it does open up lots of doors in other areas. Like being an education officer for example, in any number of places. Charities, theatres, museums, stately homes, houses of parliament even!

I'm sorry but you are not stuck at minimum wage. Work for a company where you join on minimum wage where you can quickly be promoted to manager (William hill, McDonald's - not ideal places to work from
Experience but you are not stuck). I am not a high earner and am expecting my second baby, and no I feel no guilt about the lack or private education.

@stupidshittyartsdegree

I never said I was single. I am in a relationship but we can't afford to have a baby - there are children from a previous marriage needing private school fees etc. My partner is a good dad and works so hard, I cannot not contribute.

That's your problem. You ended up in a relationship with a person not willing to commit to your needs.

Not saying that he should drop his kids for the ones he'd potentially have with you, he is doing what he should be doing. But you are not getting your needs met here.

there are children from a previous marriage needing private school fees etc.

There is your problem.

Between you and your OH you could afford children.

If he didn't already have a family and kids who "need" a private education.

Many women stay at home for years after having kids or work part time, because being a family is a team.

Sounds like you and your OH are not on the same page.

Move somewhere cheaper and there is help for those on low income.
we have 3dc we have raised on min wage, you just cut your cloth accordingly and have tc top ups where necessary.
If you waited until you had all the money you need to raise a child, you'd never have any.
Seriously, get out of London, move somewhere much cheaper.

I know how you feel 're the earnings- I'm a hard worker and still only earn 1/3 of what my DH does. It still damages my pride that I only put in 1/3 of the mortgage bills etc but my DH is supportive about it - we're both working and he had a much better start eg student grants vs loans, deposit from his dad etc.

I'd question why you see yourself as lower in importance to his other family? He's with you now, you're both supposed to be pulling as a team for both of your benefits and you can't let your DP & his ex-wifes' expectations for the existing kids' futures completely override yours, even if it avoids an argument in the short term. Even if you were the other woman (which I'm not suggesting you are!), he has now chosen to be in a committed relationship with you, and you deserve just as much support as his other family.

Get an entry level job. I had a decent career in academia and switched to industry in my early 30s. Had to work my arse off but rose rapidly. Met Dh mid thirties.

Plenty of people have children on min wage or below.

If you don't care about the work, and it sounds like you don't, then finding something offering £20k in London shouldn't be too hard? I've just looked on a council website (Lewisham, first one I thought of), and there are two admin roles being advertised for £21-24k.

Temping isn't going to be the quickest route to a reasonable salary because you don't get yearly increases.

Are you applying for roles like this? Are you getting interviews? What's the feedback?

Your problem isn’t your job/wages, it’s that you want to have children with someone who is already committed to the ones he already has. You have put yourself into a complicated situation and to be honest that’s the choice you have made. If you hade chosen a partner who didn’t have children then you wouldn’t be feeling like you couldn’t afford them and your partner would be happy to support you and your children.

I definitely wasn't the other woman. They were divorced and living separately a couple of years before we even met.

I don't know if I'd agree I feel less important to the other family. Maybe it's the degree of difference in our economic situations. I'm not fully comfortable with it.

Have you always been low in confidence?

Were you able to practice a degree of self-care while you were a carer?

Is your partner someone who boosts your confidence?

Why do you feel you have to contribute financially? Why wouldn't your hypothetical childcare be a valid contribution?

I was in a similar situation career-wise and volunteered which gave me the skills to apply for a job I enjoyed which paid above NMW.

But I needed to work on my self-esteem too, and get out of a relationship that was making me miserable and lacking in confidence.

Came on to say that the posters saying who are you going to have a baby with are a bit hmm. Loads of single people either adopt or sperm donation

But you are so negative OP look to the positives. Look for a way to get a better income and don't say it's impossible because it really is.

Have you discussed this with your DP. Actually sat down and talked about how you each see your future? Life plans?
Surely this would be a good start?

I never had perfect confidence but I used to be a hell of a lot better than I am now.

Deep down I don't believe any nice things people say to me in terms of being good at something because I don't think I am anymore.

How do you change that? I did an evening class last year to try to help with confidence for one thing, and felt even more lost and left behind. The class showed me how little I knew which is fine, but I can't imagine ever being good at anything again.

That makes me want to cry. Like I say I was never Miss Confident across the board but I used to have a very secure knowledge that there were a few things I was very good at. Did well at school too. Never thought it would come to this.

How do you improve confidence? Through what actions?

Don't mean to sound unkind op but you really do need to get a grip,
you are happily married, young and yet so negative...that is the source of your problem.....there are mamy many opportunities for someone without a relevant degree or any degree to earn over £20k in London.

An efficient self employed cleaner can do that! Many admin roles/sales roles offer starting packages of 18K if you are enthusiastic and determined.

Address your negativitiy and you could be fine....

Actually I think this has nothing to do with what you earn, or your relationship, or your partner's existing children. Until you get some emotional support and help with your depression, you wouldn't be in good shape to have children anyway.

Chase up the counselling and discuss your negative thoughts with your GP - it is not normal to feel so helpless and without options. You have a degree, a solid (if not we'll paid) work history, a partner, and you live in a city full of opportunities. I'd say you are doing at least averagely and have loads to build on.

I think you need to see a counsellor, because from an outsider you seem to have a very warped sense of your possibilities.

Your situation is fairly straightforward to get out of, but you have chained yourself to someone who's situation directly compromises your own.

The biggy is you needing to live somewhere else rather than London.

Secondly, you need to realise you are not entitled to an amazing career because you have a degree. You have to build experience and combine the degree with real life experience and initiative.

Thirdly , you need to do something that will give some confidence and self worth - volunteering in the evenings or weekends, campaigning even it's just via the internet.

Also, plenty of people choose to enjoy fulfilling happy work lives free of responsibility and stress by doing entry level or basic jobs. They aren't ' thick' , they just have different priorities.

MrsS try telling that to a child who is already at one and suddenly finds themself uprooted. I am afraid that where a child is already there, most courts would rule upholding the status quo. Same would apply to children already at state schools. Children can’t just be moved around schools because their parents find new partners...

I don't think I could be enthusiastic about a job in sales, and I don't think that means I'm depressed.

I think I am still grieving in the background, and a bit depressed at life circumstances as well. I've tried anti depressants and not doing that again. My mild depression will go when or if I fix my life. I just need to learn how to do that, learn how to be like everyone else.

I haven't worked much since having children, my youngest is 10, so DH has been the main earner for a long time. I have put I wanted to start work again a few years ago but I've been dealing with my Mum's decline and death, so i sympathise with you, it does shake your world entirely when you've been through the process of someone dying. The thing is that although I do feel better about myself when I am earning, DH thinks of any money he has as family money, it is for all of us, because we are a family unit. He doesn't make me feel a lesser being because I'm not earning. I've put inheritance into the family pot, and I've put in any earnings (I do occasional freelance work).

I think you need to have a really honest talk with your DP- does he think you should be earning more? Does he really want any more children? Would it work as a family for you both to have his children/your stepchildren in private education and then your children together in State ed? Because that seems deeply wrong to me, and is a difficult thing to get round, given that obviously his existing children are understandably not going to want to change schools to accommodate new siblings.

In your position I would have my babies now, (close together if you want more than one), and start to train for something when they are big enough for you to cope, or when they start at nursery or school. This is just what a friend on mine did at your age, she did teacher training with a toddler which was hard, she even went to live with her parents for a while to make things easier, but she qualified and got a really good job at a secondary school. She had a Fine Art degree and had started out in illustration, but the earnings were really sporadic and unpredictable. Her dP wasn't very supportive either, but they have stayed together, they have two dcs, it has worked out really well. Good luck.