AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

"I feel a huge need to set down a foundation in a decent job before becoming a mother and it just has not happened. I feel it's unfair to my partner if I just say now I want to try for a baby, and have never demonstrated any real ability to contribute."

So you're only allowing yourself to have a baby if you're a super successful career woman?

Look, you need to separate out these two issues. They aren't nearly as connected as you think they are, because from what you have said you CAN actually afford a baby based on your husband's wage. Your career success, or lack thereof, is therefore a very different problem from your financial ability to have a child.

A LOT of women I have spoken to have said that they found having a child actually focused them on their career, while simultaneously making it harder for them to get on! You might find it actually helps.

If you're that desperate for kids, you should just go for it. Don't wait.

If you want a job paying 20k you could easily get that in a call centre in a couple of years.

I second what @C0ldF33t says - I've just been hired by BT to do customer service call centre (not cold calling!) with no prior experience, they pay £18300 and then £20300 after 9 months.

You sound like you're being a bit defeatist and have an argument against everything people are suggesting. Maybe consider popping to your GP because, to be honest, you sound like you might be a bit depressed. That can make it impossible to see things clearly and can make everything seem doomed and impossible.

OP, you and your hypothetical planned baby are just as deserving as your DP’s other children. You are a worthwhile adult! If you and your DP decide to have a baby, and you can collectively afford it, what’s the problem?

It sounds like you have worked, but in temp jobs/for not as much money as you would like and you feel frustrated at not having cracked it at this age. I hadn't at that age and it is awful feeling you've missed the boat.

That's spot on. It's destroying my confidence and get up and go.

To be brutally honest I think if you want children more than anything then you need to leave your partner, move out of London and find someone who doesn't have the responsibility of paying private school fees.

There are tonnes of £20k plus jobs in London. Apply for University or college administrator roles. Or TfL. NHS. Civil Service. Local Government.

You sound so defeated that you're not being realistic.

Even if you work, you aren't responsible for all the child's costs, he has to help too. So that's money he could have spent buying then a car or a house. Every meal out with you, every coffee shop treat for himself is money that could be spent on them. If he and ex had only had one child it would be even more. But that's not how life works.

Apply for some jobs, and hopefully that will help your confidence but you can't not have a child because there's something 15 years down the line he could have bought his kids instead

You sound very low OP. It’s not as insurmountable or too late, as you seem to think. A trip to the GP might help.

You are coming across "woes is me, life is too hard and unfair and it the world should be nicer to me"

It sounds very defeatist and like you have just watched your life go by.

You need fuck all additional qualifications to get a basic admin or PA role in large companies. With a degree this is open to you. After 5-10 years of up-skilling whilst employed you would be c.£35k in London.

I'm just not buying "its so hard to get a job above minimum wage". We are crying out for sensible, organised admin workers who can think for themselves and be proactive. Even Pret pays above minimum wage FFS!

Get some career advice. Make a plan. upskill yourself, get some work experience and you can have a better job. This is within your power. But yo hvae to put the effort in.

If I was to have a hypothetical baby, there is potentially money there for the first couple of years while it's tiny for me to be a SAHM or work part time or even do unpaid work experience.

I feel awkward though because I know 100% that otherwise that money would be being saved for the existing children's futures - university, house deposits.

Assuming your relationship is solid enough, you shouldn't be feeling awkward at all, if your OH and you both want a baby and the money is there, go for it. The financial situation above sounds pretty good IMO. A baby will give you something to focus on.

I was in my 40s before I managed to get my foot in the door of a decent job with long term prospects. So I totally understand the feeling of utter misery and worthlessness that comes with being stuck in a job with no hope of progression.

Realistically I'll never reach the level that I want to in my career because I just won't ever have enough experience because there aren't enough working years left in my career to compete with other people who will have 20 years more experience than me. There are still days when I curl up in a ball and cry at how far behind I am and how I never thought it would be this way. And then I paste my pretend happy face on and go out and face the world and pretend that I'm ok with it.

But if I had given up trying I wouldn't even have the entry level job that I have finally secured. Giving up won't improve your situation.

Having said all that, I find that a lot of the advice on mumsnet bears no resemblance whatsoever to my experience of jobhunting. Most of the employers I've worked for wouldn't consider voluntary work to be valid experience, it would have to be paid work, and self taught courses would be worth nothing unless you could prove that you had used them in some work capacity, knowing the theory wouldn't be enough. Having said that, learning new stuff is always a good idea because it at least proves that you can learn.

I think you should knock out a couple of babies now, have good think about what you want to do, then start working towards it when they are small.

OP I started again at 33, leaving a broken relationship and a career I'd come to dislike, and zero confidence. I took a 12 week admin crash course, dropped to a low salary job, and built up from there. It's doable though I wasn't in London, where everything can seem a bit more stressy, I know.

The thing that helped me most to progress was the volunteering I did over the next few years - and it wasn't a lot: a day here, a week there, but put them together and they helped my applications a lot. Having recruited people since, I can confirm that when I am looking for people with a variety of skills, seeing that they have done them, even in a volunteer post, even for a short while, is a real help.

HTH It's tough now, and you do sound low on confidence and hope, but you sometimes have to hit one of those dark patches, before you can progress. Whilst you are job hunting, this can be a turning point to build your confidence up, get involved in new things, knock on new doors, and hopefully meet some nice people too.

Best of luck to you.

There’s a huge gulf between getting a sensible, stable job that pays 20-30k, and getting the dream career in a desirable artistic field that’s fulfilling and impressive and widely admired.

OP might need to look to the former.

Let's be honest. It's your partner that can't afford another child. His existing ones are in private school. He's not going to pull them out of school just to have another child and he's not going to have another that he can't afford to provide for in the same way as his existing children.

He is in a complete catch 22, and is therefore not in a position to consider another.

You have the chance to have a child, just not with him. You need to get your head together and decide what your priorities are.

If you’ve been temping you have experience of something - done any admin? There are many fairly lowly paid admin jobs out there in all kinds of sectors, it’s the experience that’s important, proving yourself to be reliable and take initiative and apply for whatever comes up. A good friend of mine started out as an assistant receptionist with no degree and now has an excellent job in the advertising industry with one of the biggest agencies. Put yourself out there, apply for jobs designed for graduates with little experience, you’ll have more experience than them. Look at how you can frame your experience on your CV

I think you're playing victim way too much here and it's hard to feel sympathetic.

You did a creative degree as a choice. That degree can be used and applied to new skills. You have to be willing to learn yet you sound like you want it handed on a plate.

Look for jobs that train you up, you might start low but can easily rise up the ranks with hard work.

Perhaps you're depressed? I would seek advice regarding anything to do with that from a medical professional.

In the mean time, realise life is not easy for everyone, you have to work hard for what you want and instead of being on mumsnet, apply to new jobs and explore the job market.

Ha. Epic cross post with Treaclesoda, but I know that volunteering roles helped me to tick boxes that wouldn't have otherwise got me interviews in some of the jobs I moved to.

Fluffy's experience seems similar to mine. Admin sounds boring/basic, but you can get your foot in the door in all sorts of interesting organisations if you are prepared to look smart, smile a lot, and be efficient. I loved it.

Best of luck

I've put in as much effort as I can.

Now this is a drip feed but not at all relevant to practicality but yeah I do feel life is shit. I spent a few years of my twenties as a carer to a member of my family who was terminally ill. So I feel life is impossibly short and want to make the best of it.

I may have just "watched life passing me by" but at the same time, I am glad I was there for my family. I'm glad it was me who was there at the very end. I can't regret that but yeah, I suppose it did mean passively watching some of my best years tick away. I was shit at dealing with my grief too, it took me a long time to get back on track emotionally.

OP i think you are making mountains out of mole hills and your mental health is more of the problem than not being able to have a baby. A think a trip to your GP about how you are feeling would be the right place to start.

It sounds like you had your whole life planned out (i will earn x amount, i will have a baby by x time etc.) Just because it didnt go the way you envisioned doesnt mean its all shit and there is no hope. People survive in worse financial circumstances than yours with children.

I hope you aren't contributing to his children's maintenance. It is calculated based on his income, not yours. He should be paying that totally independent of your income, plus his half of the bills of your joint living. If he isn't then he's truly taking the piss.

Therapy might benefit you - you’ve got regrets and grief and sadness to work through.

Not everyone’s life is as good as they look, OP.

How old are your partner's existing children?

Not everything goes the way we think it will. I barely know anyone who has achieved that

I agree you need to sort out your own self esteeem and confidence and work through the things that you’ve had to deal with.

When you feel like you do, it’s like walking through treacle. Everything feels impossible.

I'm actually on a waiting list for grief counselling.

No I don't contribute to my partner's children.