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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

265 replies

stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:19

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

OP posts:
applesisapple5 · 06/02/2018 13:36

Right, first of all, search for 'adam ruins everything biological clock' on youtube, watch that, and take ten to twenty deep breaths. You're NBU but you are panicking a bit about your biological clock, which is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.
You're also trying to solve every single problem at once, which is not very kind to yourself.

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:37

Maybe no child "needs" private school fees but I am not suggesting to my partner that his kids get ripped out of their fee paying school that they love and are doing so well in, so we can have a baby, because I'm too thick to find a decent job Hmm

OP posts:
Amatree · 06/02/2018 13:38

You sound extremely negative op which is understandable but you can either carry on the same or DO something about it. Is your partner open to leaving London? I can't understand how anyone affords kids there, all my friends who went there as grads got out before starting families. You say you can't afford to move but that doesn't make much sense if your rent and bills will be lower, and presumably you'd get a London-sized deposit back?

As for work, plenty of people are low earners and have kids especially outside London. Would you want to carry on working or be a SAHM? Do you and your partner pool your finances as your op very much read as a single person. If you're thinking of children then you really need to be in a place where it's 'us' and what 'we' can afford.

You sound really glum and I feel for you, but you're the only one who can make changes. People make their own luck 90% of the time!

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:38

All the problems are interlinked though!

How do you know where to begin?

OP posts:
Triskaidekaphilia · 06/02/2018 13:38

Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage

In the same boat OP with regards to this part. I don't regret doing my degree but I do regret not immediately looking for graduate jobs as I intended to start my own business. Sad Live in a cheap enough area that we can afford to TTC (no luck there but that's a different issue) but I'm still stuck in a customer facing role with ASD and social anxiety. I can deal with the minimum wage really, it's the type of work that really gets to me sometimes.

Amatree · 06/02/2018 13:39

Ok just seen your updates, you're massively drop feeding about your situation! If your partner has kids in private schools there is money somewhere!

PeppersTheCat · 06/02/2018 13:40

No child “needs” private school fees.

This.

OP you need to reconsider if this relationship is right for you. Sounds like your partner's choices for his own kids are hindering his ability to have anymore. And thus preventing you from having ANY. Hardly fair.

And get out of London.

TammySwansonTwo · 06/02/2018 13:40

Have a look at the site Udemy - they have excellent courses in things like photoshop and often they have sales that reduce all courses to only £9. You can absolutely do this! I became self employed out of necessity and trained in all that stuff cheaply online - don’t give up!

Triskaidekaphilia · 06/02/2018 13:44

I've been accepted onto a pre-masters course (that fits around current FT job fine) in my dream field, but I keep wondering if I'll just end up in the same situation. But my slightly more employable(where I live) option (graphic design) will not fit around work in the same way.

wannabestressfree · 06/02/2018 13:45

I am sorry but you can't let someone else's lifestyle choices dictate yours... ' they have to be in private school'... said as fact. Do they? Be more proactive. Teach? Train on the job with your artie degree....

I agree with others that you do seem hugely negative. Encourage a move? Somewhere up and coming and artie. Margate?

It depends what is more important to you. I know what I think though....

MargoLovebutter · 06/02/2018 13:46

So you have a partner - do you live together?. What is going to be so expensive about having a baby with this person? In this country, you have access to free healthcare at the point of delivery and free education at the point of delivery. At a very basic level, you and your partner would have to pay for food and clothes for any child that you had - taking into account that you are already paying for a roof over your head.

Your partner clearly isn't skint if he is paying for private schools for his existing children, so why do you think he wouldn't support a baby you and he had together?

I have a useless history degree and manage to hold down a reasonably decent job (totally unrelated to my degree) and I'm a single mum to two DC, so it can't be rocket science or beyond the achievement of ordinary mortals if I can do it!

CapnHaddock · 06/02/2018 13:46

Surely if there's two of you in the relationship, it's your joint income that dictates if you can afford children rather than just yours? And presumably your boyfriend earns quite well given his children are at private school. What does he think about having a baby?

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:47

It's not a drop feed because it's not my money! Partner's money is needed for existing children's educations and I believe that's right and fair. They're here, their parents want to give them every opportunity, that's the way it's supposed to be.

OP posts:
BIWI · 06/02/2018 13:47

How can you be thick if you have a degree? Hmm

What was your degree in?

And plenty of people manage to afford to have children as long as they have any kind of job. What are you expecting?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2018 13:48

So is DP skinting himself out to pay for private education he can't afford our is he affluent but no real spare cash?

Babies don't have to cost thousands. If you're home you don't need childcare. Lots of stuff can be bought cheaply our second hand. Have you say and talked money with Dp or do you just feel like because you aren't earning you don't deserve one?

Triskaidekaphilia · 06/02/2018 13:48

TammySwansonTwo that looks useful for me as well, thank you.

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 13:49

Misleading headline, really, OP. The reason you can't have a baby is NOT because you are incredibly poor but equally because your partner has plenty of money for his existing children's private school fees but nothing for a future child.

In which case, you chose the wrong partner. You need to leave him, find someone without children but who wants children, and start again. You're early 30s and still probably have 10 years yet.

And if London is too expensive, get out at the same time as you leave your relationship.

Sorry, I do have sympathy for people who genuinely are stuck and genuinely can't afford to have children. But that's not quite the case here, is it?

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:49

No I don't mean my kid would need private school. State school is of course fine.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 13:50

What does your partner say in all of this? He must have an opinion
Because it seems like a much bigger issue. Hundreds of thousands of people have children on minimum wage or benefits or as single parents with one wage only

MargoLovebutter · 06/02/2018 13:50

OP, please explain better why you & your partner can't afford a baby. I am completely bewildered!

RaspberryBeret34 · 06/02/2018 13:50

It sounds like there are a few issues all piled up here so you can't see the wood for the trees. And you're focusing on your earning power when you may need to find another solution. Very few people could have a baby on one income (ie with your DPs wages mostly tied up with his previous DC). It sounds like you're stressing about how YOU can afford a baby when it needs to be a team effort.

What does your DP say about the situation?

It sounds like it just isn't possible to have a baby with your current DP in London. You may have to think about changing one or more of those 3 things ie be OK with not having a baby, leave your DP (and London?) or both of you leave London (can he work from home or commute?) to live in a cheaper place?

CappuccinoCake · 06/02/2018 13:51

Does your partner want children with you?

Perfectly possible to bring up kids on low income as tax credits, housing benefit and child benefit brings it up to a reasonable wage.

Many mums (and it usually is mums of course!) Are sahm or work minimum wage as it's household income and doesnt always pay to work when they are small.

It sounds more like a relationship problem? Is he saying no to more kids as he already has his own to support? If there's money for private school you could get by with enough for kids.

FissionChips · 06/02/2018 13:51

Get with a man who doesn’t have children.

Afternooncatnap · 06/02/2018 13:51

Find a rich man

Seriously though, you can 100% make it past minimum wage without a degree. You need to get into an industry where you can work your way up. Try sales, events or start your own business.

k2p2k2tog · 06/02/2018 13:52

Can't be doing with negative people.

There is SO much stuff you could be doing - for free - to increase your chances of getting work or a better paid job. SEO and digital marketing stuff, social media - loads of courses online and skills which complement a creative degree perfectly. Web design. Software packages. Graphic design.