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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

265 replies

stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:19

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

OP posts:
Primarkismyonlyoption · 06/02/2018 18:34

Lucy what a bitter comment

bretonknickers · 06/02/2018 18:44

OP, I do feel for you. I'm sorry for your loss and what you went through.
I had grief counselling last year and it really did help me get back on track in life, and was very very empowering. It helped with no confidence and effectively helped me to "turn the tap on" in my mind and wash away all the sludge and negativity.
I've been there, grief affects everything and those close to you do find it hard to understand.
Feel free to message me if you want a chat

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 06/02/2018 18:47

stupidshittyartsdegree

I'm a bit the same in terms of career.

However, I've just started a course at a local college. I didn't think I'd get funding but I did.

Even the guy I spoke to at Student Loan Company told me that I wasn't eligible for a loan for this one year course, but he was wrong.

If you'd like to know more about it, message me.

You've plenty of time for DCs, don't despair.

Hofty · 06/02/2018 18:47

This thread is going round and round in circles. You've had some good advice here. Take it.

milliemolliemou · 06/02/2018 18:54

OP agree with Hofty. Talk to your chap and ask if he wants another child. If he doesn't move out and find yourself somewhere if that's key for you. And Get some help with your depression which seems to be stopping you standing on your own feet and getting any job. You seem to be in a downward spiral ... get help

Qvar · 06/02/2018 19:05

Move to Birmingham. The cost of living is a third of what it is in London but the minimum wage remains the same. And (I’m going to say it) if you desperately want to be a mother, you might have to commit to being a wife to a man who wants children and earns enough to support them and you while you raise them

Backenette · 06/02/2018 19:07

Ok having actually read the full thread...firstly some questions.

are you two married?
How much does he earn?
How old are the existing children?

So here’s my thoughts, and my apologies if I’ve misunderstood anything. He has two children and they are at private school. To his credit, he does not want to pull them out (this is a good thing) but feels he can not afford to put a potential third child through? So he’s a high earner but not crazy high?

So that is going to depend on his earnings and the age of the other children. If they’re very young then it’s a sensible choice. If they’re 15-16 then he only has a few years of paying fees left so perhaps different.

I assume he’s older than you and I don’t see that you’re married. Again being blunt and potentially offensive here - what’s the age gap? Is he truly seeing you as a life partner? Because if he was he’d be marrying you and finding a way to make it work, even if child three goes to state school. What does HE say about all this?

Thirdly - your thoughts are anxious and self defeating. You acknowledge this which is good. What you now need to do is find a way through it either by therapy (gruelling, trust me) or drugs or a combo or whatever works for you. You cannot remain where you are now. You need to change something.

And finally - there’s no actual barrier to you having a child if you’re willing to forgo private schooling (which is a luxury only a few can afford.) you have a partner who has good earning potential. People have kids on much less - what’s important to a child is emotional stability, security and love. Private schooling is a nice extra, not a must have.

And finally, if you’re not married, have you discussed that? Because if he won’t marry you and won’t work to Make your child equal then that shows you he’s not in it long term.

NordicNobody · 06/02/2018 20:21

I haven't rtft but there are lots if post grad courses that come fully funded, especially if you move into healthcare. Look on the NHS health careers website and you'll find a "graduate entry to..." section, if nursing/ medicine/ radiography etc appealed to you. Some need a life science first degree, but many don't. You can also do teacher training which is both funded and salaried, so you earn while you're training. Civil service fast stream is another one to look at. And you can do graduate entry social work too, that's fully funded. You can also get career development loans to cover the cost of retraining in an unfunded area. My friend took one out and did the graduate diploma in law.

Free courses are available online - check out futurelearn, coursera, open edu etc.

I'd definitely see a doc as well as others have said, because you have a degree and you live in London which gives you basically the perfect spring board to do almost anything, but you're clearly stuck in a very negative place which is holding you back. I wouldn't be surprised if a doc recommended a short course on antidepressants TBH.

Finally I agree with you that it isn't fair to ask your partners kids to leave their private school. That's a one way ticket to massive resentments and ill feeling in the family.

RemainOptimistic · 06/02/2018 20:28

OP you're projecting onto your job situation. It sounds like your relationship is not what you want.

I hope you find the courage to leave him. This isn't going anywhere. It's eating away at your self esteem and your sense of agency. You deserve better.

HappyLollipop · 06/02/2018 20:34

Your partner must make a good amount of money to even be able to send his kids private school, is one more really going to break the bank? Because If it's the reason to he's given you as to not TTC he's not telling the truth especially if you would be willing to send your child to a state school, it sound like a flimsy excuse and it's more that he just doesn't want any more kids.

Chugalug · 06/02/2018 20:40

Hi op,I've just read the full thread,and I feel so sad for you..you absolutely must find a way to be a mum....I feel you have got yourself in the same situation as when you were caring for your relative..life is passing you by now ,as it was then...I'm sorry but don't have a baby with this man unless you are married to him,with full access to the family finances...I don't belive he is free to have a baby or marriage with you.all his money goes to his kids school fees.leaving none for a future wife and future child.i belive you will be disappointed if you stay with him,I can't see him agreeing to babies and marriage ,because his money and time is tied up elsewhere..I'm sorry but my suggestion is to leave ,get your own place ,with your own money earned with your own fair hands.then your self worth will come back..then you will find a man worthy of you. Xxx

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 07/02/2018 00:58

Thank you.

I won't be having a baby expecting to rely on state benefits.

I don't think I'm properly depressed. Reflected on this on my run. I enjoy running so much, I enjoy cooking, or going out to eat, I enjoy listening to music. I love my partner so much. I'm not in serious emotional pain, I don't want to harm myself. I'm just sad and full of regret about my career or lack of, and sad I can't pursue my former interests due to a lack of money, still struggling with grief, worried I'll never be a mother plus have very little self confidence. But not depressed because I enjoy the small things of each day.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 07/02/2018 04:25

Lovely to see a step-parent who puts the existing children’s needs ahead of their own desires on here, for once.

Good on you OP.

I hope you find a way to become a parent, I think you’d be a good one.

catwoozle · 07/02/2018 05:47

Essentially if kids aren't a possibility with your current partner, you'll have to decide whether having your own children is more important than staying in your current relationship. Ultimately you should talk to your partner about this. You should have discussed it at the start. If your views on having children aren't the same then the relationship can't work at all. This is absolutely fundamental. DH and I discussed children on our very early dates.

OssomMummy1 · 07/02/2018 06:55

Do you really need to have your "own" child? Can you not be happy treating your partner's children as your own and be happy? That will benefit all three of you. I always wanted a daughter in life. But, like Coleen, I have ended up with 3 boys; 4 if you include DH. They all from my DH's previous rough relationship. But then, because I am the only female, I am unique breed within the four walls of our house and command full respect and obedience. If they make me sad, I just have to say, "wish I had a daughter", all my wishes are fulfilled to the highest level of satisfaction. It all depends on how well you can get your step children into your team than your DHs team. Sometimes my DH is surprised as to how I managed to take his children away from him without shedding sweat instead of blood or tears.

My advice is don't give up, stay happy with what you have and be kind. Kindness cannot be destroyed; you give more, you will get back even more.

Tumbleweed101 · 07/02/2018 07:05

Have a baby now and be a sahm. When baby is 3 and old enough to have 30hr childcare you can go back to work. By that point you may have new ideas and motivation of what to do next. Children aren’t that expensive, esp when small. If your partner is covering household bills now he obvs still can while you’re a sahm. If he’s paying private school fees your household income can’t be too low.

speakout · 07/02/2018 07:09

command full respect and obedience. If they make me sad, I just have to say, "wish I had a daughter", all my wishes are fulfilled to the highest level of satisfaction.

This sounds a very odd set up.

And yes many women do crave their own biological child.

I would not have taken on a man with kids. Unless bereaved they already have their own mother.
Even the best step mother cannot fill those shoes if their own mother is around.
Nor should she.

Havingahorridtime · 07/02/2018 07:35

Well your thread title is innacurate because the barrier to having children is actually your choice of partner and his previous children and financial commitments. Not many people can afford to have children as a single parent without govt financial assistance. It isn’t your career choice that is the barrier, it is your choice of partner. Even if you had a much higher income I would find it strange that you would expect to fund any baby singlehandedly. Maybe your partner doesn’t want any more children and saying he can’t afford it is the easy option?

wannabestressfree · 07/02/2018 19:09

@OssomMummy1 I can't decide if you are a gf or just rather strange.... is it normal to emotionally blackmail your step children by navel gazing ' woe is me I wish I had a daughter' and everyone does what you want?

Odd.

EC22 · 07/02/2018 19:13

You need a new man before a new job!

itshappening · 07/02/2018 19:31

You are not thick OP, that much is clear so let's not hear that again. Whatever your issues are, it isn't that.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you have been through difficult times and you have done things many others could not manage.

I do think feeling down about yourself has made you view your partner and his responsibilities differently. Ultimately I agree that he should not have to withdraw the other dc from schools they love, but that impacts on his ability to fund other dc, not just yours. You certainly can't see any money that goes towards a potential child of yours as somehow snatched from the existing children.

30 is still really young, I promise you. I can see now I am 40 but I could not see it when I was 30. I was wrong then! I absolutely know that now.

You can turn things around I am sure.

I have massively failed by many standards, due to chronic health problems I have spent years not building any career or having a family. So I empathise. I think things can get much better for you xx

foxmuldersufo · 07/02/2018 19:33

You’re so throughly negative. I agree you shouldn’t have a baby.
Work on yourself.

Snowysky20009 · 07/02/2018 19:35

OP I had ds1 whilst in 6th form and moved out of my parents 3 months pregnant. I started university when he was 11 weeks old. When I had ds2 I was on minimum wage. When he was 18 months I was on 28k, when he was 6 I was on 35k, when he was 9 I was on 45k.
If you want it, you can do it!!!

Snowysky20009 · 07/02/2018 19:42

Should also say things are shit now healthwise. So I'm not working get ESA and PIP. Will I ever get back to work? Depends on how surgery and my mental health (diagnosed with bipolar) goes. But at least I have that experience to fall back on! It will be 'outdated' as I've been out of the workforce for a few years. But it's still experience.

Most of all, it's showed my sons the importance of a good education. If they want the good jobs, nice car, nice house, then they have to work for it. Seeing how much we've lost income wise, and how difficult life is watching the pennies, has really given them a kick up the butt to work hard in school! Super proud of them!!

Pompom42 · 07/02/2018 19:48

I think you should join sugardaddy.com

All jokes aside I used to think that I couldn’t afford to have kids. I used to think I don’t know how I could afford to have time off work and pay out what children need.
You know what I have 2 children. And I’m a single parent. I work part time and can do it. I can bring them up whilst working in my job and I’m glad I had them. It is tough sometimes, but I cool from scratch and always on look out for offers and deals etc. I sell all their old clothes and toys and re coup money back.