AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

If you dont have a job why not have babies and be a stay at home mum? Babies dont cost much! Its childcare costs that hit people hard.

As a couple, you cannot afford to provide for a baby that you desperately want, yet your OH can afford private school fees?

I'd concentrate on job-hunting - there are plenty of entry-level non-graduate jobs in London that will eventually pay more than minimum wage.

I don't get this.

Most people think of having a child as a joint enterprise, funded by the couple, out of their joint wage. It may be better for you to stay home initially, on that basis.

So, the issue doesn't really come up unless your partner has said he doesn't want you to stay home with any child, and wants you to be earning immediately (and then you would still pay childcare out of your joint wage).

He has school fees? So, he's a reasonable earner then or totally unrealistic.

Having a baby isn't necessarily massively expensive for you as a couple, if you work doing temp jobs during pregnancy, stay home for two/three years, then go back at that point into full-time work.

If you dont have a job why not have babies and be a stay at home mum? Babies dont cost much! Its childcare costs that hit people hard.

or this

You need to sit down with your partner and talk about what you both want and how you’re going to get there. You’re supposed to be a team, if you want to be together longterm and children are a possibility, and you’re insistent on being in a good financial position before having them (which I think is sensible) then you need a plan between you of how you’re going to get there.

There are so many jobs you can do with a creative degree, in fact almost everyone I know has an arts degree of some kind and almost none of them work in a related job. There are so many careers out there you’ve never heard of. Get voluntary experience outside of work - for example, if you want to work in events management, volunteer for a new event (plenty of those in London). Do some inexpensive online courses (I learnt photoshop, illustrator and indesign in a few months - I am not an expert but know more than enough for jobs that require it as a supplementary skill, I won’t be getting a job as a graphic designer any time soon). Get an internship and do bar work around it. You can get very short courses of work experience, even at 30, that you could do during holiday from work for a couple of weeks. Speak to your friends - do they know of any perhaps more entry level jobs you could apply for / they could recommend you for? Clearly you’re intelligent enough to get a degree so you have ability - you just have to find creative ways of turning that into experience. I wanted to write for a living so I got an admin job in a publishing company which made me eligible for freelance work after my probatiobary period. Look at Guardian jobs etc every day - you might have to take a graduate entry level job, but that will still be more than minimum wage.

Yes, it’s difficult but not impossible. You have no commitments other than your partner, you have someone to help with living costs, you’re not on your own - people in much tougher circumstances have done it, so can you.

Also, in my experience there is never the "right time" to have children. You will always want to have the bigger house, more holidays before committing yourself, a little bit more money in the bank.
Obviously your situation is a little different but there has to be some give and take. What has your DP said about your finances, in particular?

You’re not likely to go from under 20k to enough to pay for childcare in a couple of years, so is it the finances or your lack of stability that bothers your DP, really?

As a PP said, you need to clear 35k to cover childcare or you’d be better off as a SAHM.

Perhaps sit down with your DP and explain this. How much do you both need ?

My partner would provide if I took some years out when the baby was small, that's not the problem.

The problem is I feel inadequate because I have not proved that I'm able to contribute beforehand, and will only get further and further away from a good job if say I tried to have a baby this year.

I feel a huge need to set down a foundation in a decent job before becoming a mother and it just has not happened. I feel it's unfair to my partner if I just say now I want to try for a baby, and have never demonstrated any real ability to contribute. I can't explain any better.

Didn’t want to read and run, especially since some responses have been unsympathetic at best!
Sounds like there’s a lot of issues here you need to tackle. Get them all down on paper - trust me I did this yesterday and it seems a lot more manageable.
You never said if your DP was on a good wage? Do you have a joint account? Spare cash left at the end of the month?
I had just started a new job when I got pregnant so only got state maternity, so ideally you want to be in a job for a few months before getting PG to get the best maternity package.
I would say leave London unless DP commitments do not allow that, find a job, even in a call centre or something but if you can get an admin role in a company known for progression then prove yourself, that’s a better bet. (I have no degree and was on my way to becoming a qualified project manager at 25, until I quit to be a SAHM but that’s another story, and I pissed around in shitty jobs until 23). And then maybe reevaluate in a couple of years. A lot can happen in two years!
PS even if you got pregnant RIGHT NOW, they don’t cost that much for the first couple of years. Join Facebook freebie sites in your local area, you can get nearly new prama for bargain prices and there’s always people giving away clothes for free or cheap (I wouldn’t do this between the ages of 6 months and a year tho because weaning = sock stains on clothes!)
Supermarkets do dirt cheap baby clothes and there’s always a sale on, so what I do is if the sale is on summer clothes, I buy the size that my DS will be in the coming summer etc. Breastfeed if possible , and that’s food for the next 6 months sorted.
Lastly, you seem like you could possibly benefit from some sort of counselling for your low self esteem and to help you get out of the rut (I’ve been there too, could have written this a few years ago). GP will refer you to mental health team and you will get 6 free sessions with a qualified counsellor.
Good luck with everything

What line of work did you want to end up in?

Sick stains not sock stains

Also I have literally never seen call centre work offering £20k or school teaching assistant staff. TA's I though get £8 or so and need a specific qualification? An NVQ?

Actually op your last message makes far more sense.

Is your dp a good earner or is he scraping the barrel to pay for school? How old are his other kids?

Kind of work are you looking for?

OP does your partner have enough money to both maintain his existing commitments and potentially pay for another child? Because it seemed not from your initial posts, but then you said your partner would provide if you took some time out when the baby was small. Which suggests there's enough money for you to have a baby?

I've just looked at Reed and put in 'call centre jobs London' & there are plenty there at salaries over £20k.

Thanks all again, I appreciate the insights.

OP you need to get off your backside and make some changes. Moaning and complaining is going to change nothing and it's certainly not going to make you feel better about yourself. You need to start thinking strategically about this and break it into little chunks. Little changes lead to big changes. In fact, you could spend the rest of today ploughing through the Google Digital Garage tutorials - free - to get a basic understanding of SEO/Digital Marketing. It might not be for you, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

(And I mean that in the kindest way possible, sometimes people just need a rocket up their arse. The only person who can make these changes is you.)

My partner would provide if I took some years out when the baby was small, that's not the problem

Then can you take on further training in the evenings when DC is small? My career was terrible before we had children (and made going back to work straight away unviable due to childcare costs), DD goes to school in 2 years by which time I should be close to finishing studies. I've also used my spare time when she gets her free childcare to do some voluntary work in a related field so fingers crossed, I should be able to get a decent job when she does go to school.
It's not been easy doing it this way around but it's been do-able.

What is it you are trying to do?

By now, it's clearly not going to happen.

Can you not just apply for any old secretarial/admin role and build some savings? You have a degree and I presume some office experience? so go see a recruitment agency that works in placing people in admin/PA roles and see if they have anything for you.

A job paying £20-25k shouldn't be hard to find if you are prepared to look for full time work that's not your chosen career.

Time to be a grown up and decide which 'dream' you are going to persue and which you are going to give up on.

Call centre team leaders are on 20k+, it’s very easy and you can get the role with very little effort except staying there for a year or so. People work up: there’s almost always high turnover.

It sounds like the problem is that you and your DP both feel you’re not ready for a baby because you haven’t established a career yet. You and your DP need to sit down and work out a timescale. Do you even want a career for fulfilment or is it just that you think you should?

If I was to have a hypothetical baby, there is potentially money there for the first couple of years while it's tiny for me to be a SAHM or work part time or even do unpaid work experience.

I feel awkward though because I know 100% that otherwise that money would be being saved for the existing children's futures - university, house deposits.

DP's career works on a consultancy basis and not a fixed salary so there is always a degree of uncertainty there too. I find it all a complicated situation to work out.

I was in the same position. I will say - new career absolutely possible ...plus, you cope with babies whatever your income.

OP I think now is a good time to take stock job-wise, as even if you tried for a baby, you don't know when you might have one.

But having a baby is doable, even if in your 'ideal' life plan you would have a career first. It may be better to fulfill one of your life's dreams than throw them both away!

Definitely ask on here though- perhaps in another post, about the jobs you'd like to do. The advice on here is often amazing in relation to training and jobs as there's a lot of collective knowledge about different fields.

Also, have you looked at the civil service? Lots of people have suggested that- how about looking on the websites suggested as a starting point.

It sounds like you have worked, but in temp jobs/for not as much money as you would like and you feel frustrated at not having cracked it at this age. I hadn't at that age and it is awful feeling you've missed the boat.

Realising from thread this mess is partly down to how shit I feel about needing help with money even from DO. Because I think my confidence is so low. I just feel terrible about myself and like a complete failyre in comparison to literally everyone else I know.

ffs Dp not DO.