AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

[stupidshittyartsdegree]

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

You're obviously feeling low Op and I hope you feel better soon. I am afraid that I agree with others who say that you need to re-think some aspects of your current situation, eg being with your partner, or living where you live.

So, you can’t have a baby because all his money is going on his kids and therefore you would have 100% financial responsibility for another child? Another child that would also be his?

This is bizarre.

Surely there is no excuse to be unemployed. Just get a job, any job. Then start looking for a job you want.

Shatnerswig it's not that simple

In the fantasy land where I agree with you and go along with your suggested plan of leave my partner (who I love and don't want to leave) and move and start again... I will still have no money and no prospects.

So, financially the same result? With a gamble that I could meet someone else.

Not that I will be doing that anyway.

I had sympathy for you until you said your boyfriend pays private school fees and you can’t teach yourself very basic software skills for which there’s literally hundreds of thousands of free online tutorials.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and make some changes.

Does your DP want to have a child with you?

If you want a baby above all else then have one
You have choices. You may decide not to have one with your current partner and have it on your own, it’s only a teaspoon you’re missing.

I started out as a part timer in a restaurant during university and now work as a manager on far more than minimum wage. Many of my colleagues earn £35-40k having followed a similar path.

OP what does you partner say about the two of you having a child then?

It wouldn't be that I would be 100% responsible no, it's just that neither of us are comfortable with how little I earn as it doesn't cover enough of the basics.

DP would never say that out bluntly but I can guess.

You’re lucky enough to live in a society that provides for unemployed single mothers - if you want a baby that much, have one. You won’t be starving and homeless.

Have you told your partner you want a baby?

Just sit down and ask him. If he sees a long term future with you he might support you to retrain. Is he paying for all your living costs at the moment?

OP, does your partner want a child with you? Because if your bottom line is that you love him and will not leave him, and he does not want a child because he's already got several (and does not want to pay for any more) then that's kind of it. You aren't a failure at all, you've just made your choice, and that's fine - that's not a failure, although it might be a disappointment if you do want children.

If your bottom line is you want a child, then you can make that happen, with or without your DP, depending on what he wants. Even if you don't have much money. That's a choice, too.

I get that you feel stuck and miserable and not in a good place, and it can't be easy when your DP has children and you don't, but there are ways of moving forward which don't mean "failure" of any kind.

So where are you living at the moment OP? Can you cover your own rent /mortgage and food?

I have very low confidence just now, I don't honestly believe I could learn new skills. I did a course at night class last year and was very slow to pick it up.

Most of us went to state schools so it's a bit difficulty to get emotional about someone heroically deciding to remain childless so their partners existing children aren't deprived of private education.

Realistically, he must be earning a very good salary to afford that, so your joint income would not prevent you from having a family.

You can definitely earn more than minimum wage in London though, if you have even the most basic of qualifications.

If your confidence is so low you can’t work or study, you need to see a doctor.

now is the best time for you to have a child!

Does your partner want more children?

I get that it’s upsetting to not be where you want to be in life. But do what so many people do and put your nose to the grind stone and work. Get 2 or even 3 jobs. A while back I worked a normal day job plus I did bar work most evenings and worked in a supermarket doing pricing over night on weekends. It was a bit shit but I had a goal in mind so I worked and saved.

That extra cash will allow you to get extra training. Give yourself a deadline, say 6 months. At the end you will hopefully have money to do some extra training.

Do it now whilst you don’t have kids. When you’ve got kids you won’t have the time.

Op you're avoiding every question about what your DP thinks of this.

What kind of jobs are you currently applying for?

Have you looked at cheap online courses or checked if your college does free courses? There is also funding for second degrees in science.
Could you do teacher training?

I would not have a baby and rely on state benefits to provide for it. I would not have a baby feeling totally reliant on my DP either.

I wanted to have a decent job paying at least £20k by the age of 30 and couldn't manage to get it and still can't. I wanted to have held a job paying that for a couple of years before trying for a baby.

While no child “needs” private school I absolutely agree with you op that you can’t expect the children your dp has to be ripped out of private school so you can have another baby, him and his ex obviously agreed on private school at some point and the goal posts can’t just be changed becuase you might want another baby, exsisiting dc should always come first.

However I don’t believe its impossible for you for to have a child. Firstly What does your dp think about having a baby? You say your unemployed at the moment but even a minimum wage job combined with your dp salary would give you a boost money wise and remember some people have dc on a very low budget and manage ok.

And your clearly far from thick, as you have a degree. Don’t be so hard on yourself

What is your degree in OP?

You sound really defeatist.

If you want a job paying 20k you could easily get that in a call centre in a couple of years.

I wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who didn’t work, wouldn’t study, had very low confidence, couldn’t find solutions for themselves and relied on me for full financial support either, so I don’t blame your DP if he doesn’t want a baby with you.