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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be devastated I can't have a child because I can't earn more than min wage

265 replies

stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 13:19

My whole life is an utter mess. I'm early 30s, no career, no prospects. Did a creative type degree I loved to try to get a job I loved. Didn't care about not being rich but never expected to always be on minimum wage where you cannot afford to live independently as a single woman.

I am frantic with despair and short of a time machine, don't know how I can change anything. I can't afford to do an access course and do another degree in science or engineering or somesuch. I can't even afford to move out of the miserable moneypit that is London at the moment so stuck here.

I put off having children until my 30s thinking I'd be sorted with an ok job, and I'm no more financially stable than I was 10 years ago. I could not afford to provide for a child, that won't change anytime soon.

AIBU to give up and accept I will never have a career or children?

I just don't get it. All my friends have been successful, I'm the only one who didn't make it.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 14:03

OP What does your partner say about the two of you having a baby together?

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:03

My DP is happy to have children with me but is concerned about finances, which is fair enough.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2018 14:04

You’re in London? You can easily get a 20k job. Civilservicejobs online. Get a TA job in a school, there’s literally thousands of jobs in my local area that pay more than 20k
Good luck

Manymanyavocados · 06/02/2018 14:04

You absolutely can earn more. Especially given that you do not have children yet. Just takes a bit of short-term pain for long-term gain.

I was in a crappy, only barely above minimum wage job in London and hated every second of it. So I enrolled myself on a degree course with the OU which I completed in 3 years, whilst working full-time alongside a part-time job in relevant area and volunteering to gain experience.

My week was made up of full-time job most days 15.00-23.00, working part-time job to gain experience 9.00 - 13.00 two days a week and volunteering half a day each weekend. I would study on the tube to and from work and stopped watching TV. I used my annual leave to complete assignments. Memorable holiday was me sitting in resort pool with a textbook revising for an exam...

I then took an unpaid full-time placement in the last two months of my degree whilst working evening jobs to (barely) survive and still volunteering. I applied for about 25 jobs a week, networked like crazy and it paid off.

Was offered a graduate job starting on £30,000 plus brilliant benefits and yearly pay progression. Job also paid for me to do a Masters which I was able to do during working hours. Completely flexible hours can come and go as I please (around appointments which I schedule), can work from home whenever I want. Get to travel occasionally which is brill.

Because it turns out I loved studying I am now doing yet another postgrad degree which (not immediately, but after a few years) can give me a six figure income. My last job are absolutely amazing and have hired me back over the summers and have given me paid work to do alongside my degree whenever possible.

Those first three years were hardcore. It was incredibly hard, but I completely changed my life. Worth it.

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2018 14:04

OP "Concerned" can mean lots of things. Has he actually said you CAN'T have a baby? Or he'll only agree to a baby IF and WHEN you are earning more money?

Sorry, but there is a LOT more going on here...

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 14:04

You could get any job for 20k at your age.
Depends if you’re fixed on your career. Whatever that is.
YOU need to write a proper 5 year plan.
You’re getting overwhelmed by it all and that doesn’t help.
What do you want in a job. What can you compromise on
When do you want children etc etc
A proper plan

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:06

I'm not being fucking heroic.

Would you really try to dictate that your partner's children get taken out of their school so that there's more money for you to have a child?

I went to state school and it was good. I don't give a shite about private school. But I would never muscle in and tell anyone what to do with their kids regarding school. Especially when they are happy and achieving well there.

OP posts:
usualGubbins · 06/02/2018 14:06

I can't change

This is your problem. It's an old adage but if you keep doing the same, you get the same result. If you want it enough you will do. I have changed career at least twice in my working life - none of my careers have had anything to do with my degree.

Start off with temp work. Anyone with an ounce of common sense can do basic admin work. Work your way up from there -that was how I had to do it at least once. You're going to have to start putting yourself first -not your partner's kids. They are in reality nothing to do with you!

C0ldF33t · 06/02/2018 14:06

If you’re unemployed, does your DP pay all your housing and living costs?

Lovemusic33 · 06/02/2018 14:07

I don’t have a degree, I don’t earn minimum wage.

SlowDown76mph · 06/02/2018 14:08

You need to sit down and take a realistic look at your joint income. It would be selfish of him to deny you the opportunity to have a much wanted child. Either he steps up fully or lets you go. The clock is ticking. What sacrifices is he actually prepared to make? Also you are not married. How much protection would you have if the relationship failed and you had a child to bring up on your own?

C0ldF33t · 06/02/2018 14:08

And when did you last work for a wage OP?

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:09

Concerned because I earn so little. I can't explain it.

OP posts:
LivininaBox · 06/02/2018 14:09

If you live in London, you need to be earning around 35k to cover childcare and travel costs. Any less, you will be better off as a SAHM.

So you are focussing on the wrong thing here.

If you both want to have kids then do it, stay home til the child qualifies for free hours, and do some free online courses and perhaps a bit of evening work until you are in a position to work again.

You say you don't want to be reliant on your partner, but unless you have some kind of trust fund to fall back on, that is just not realistic. Couples with young kids are TOTALLY reliant on each other. Yes you will rely on him for money, but he will rely on you for childcare. That's how it is for many people.

dingdongdigeridoo · 06/02/2018 14:10

I have a 'stupid shitty arts degree' and managed to earn way over 25k, and this was in a small city outside of London. I think you need to tell us what your shitty degree is in first, before we can offer any tailored advice. If you are aiming for 20k, that should not be hard in London.

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:10

I did some temping work that finished a few weeks ago, looking for more at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:11

No DP doesn't pay all living costs, I am not long term unemployed I have been temping.

OP posts:
Minestheoneinthegreen · 06/02/2018 14:11

You can't be thick as you have a degree. However, you are not being very clever. You will not earn sufficient money and get a good career if you do not get a job and just start. Very few people walk into a dream job that pays well but there is nothing to say you have to stay on the bottom rung for ever.
You said you want a job and money before kids so I suggest you set aside the kid thing for now and focus on getting employed. You can't get everything overnight but at least do one thing towards it.

Original poster
stupidshittyartsdegree · 06/02/2018 14:12

Sorry I am reading replies but it's taking me some time - thanks all.

OP posts:
BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 06/02/2018 14:12

Get an entry level job and work up. I don't have a degree and am in middle management (job adverts say degree essential) I got the job due to experience in the field. It's taken me 10 years to get here but it was worth it the staff respect me more because I've learned the job from ground level up.

So yeah. Get an office job in a vaguely related field and work from bottom up. Or theatre usher and work up to manager or at a 6th form college or...

Brighteyes27 · 06/02/2018 14:13

If you already have a degree you wouldn’t get funding for another degree unless it was certain NHS courses.
If you were to move further north living costs are much lower.
Many people don’t meet their partner until they are in their 30’s and are having children mid 30’s to early 40’s. Although it has to be said fertility and chances of getting pregnant past 35 does decline.

Huntinginthedark · 06/02/2018 14:14

It’s clear you’re very down about this.
Let yourself wallow for a bit and then you need to put that to one side and get focused.
PEople on here will genuinely help you, but you need to approach it in a positive way.

MistressPage · 06/02/2018 14:14

Look, as gently as possible, I think you're approaching this all wrong. The most important thing is that you are emotionally present for your children. This thing about needing private school fees for the previous children... I think you should focus less on you earning loads of money to 'afford a child' by which I assume you mean paying for childcare while you continue to work and paying for all the other 'lifestyle' stuff and maybe focus on whether your partner is supportive enough to provide while you take a few years out to look after a baby/preschooler...

bretonknickers · 06/02/2018 14:14

You can get help with Student Finance with some MA degrees now.
If you have an arts degree, have you looked into teaching - I know some teaching paths come with good government bursaries to assist with teaching.

C0ldF33t · 06/02/2018 14:14

Are you only looking for work in a specific field OP? If you’re looking for anything stable you could easily get £20k in a call centre, school support staff etc etc

If you’re holding out for your big break in TV or something, it might be time to cast that aside for a few years.