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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend keeps telling me DD won't need me soon

196 replies

danTDM · 06/02/2018 08:55

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with this now, DD is 9, friend (who has a teenaged son 19 or so) keeps commenting that DD won't need me when she is 12/13.

Do any parents of DD's have anything to say to this/opinions on this? I remember needing help with friendships/hormones/school/or sorts of things etc.

I find my friends attitude weird to say the least. Why would she KEEP on about this? It is really upsetting me.

She recently got married for the first time to a man she met online, she has started suggesting I do online dating too. I am married! Have been for 16 years! She is also 'too busy' to talk, as if I am not as busy as she is. Frankly, she has disappeared up her own arse. Hmm

She has been my friend for 30 years but I am beginning to get severely fed up with her condescending comments. AIBU?

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 07/02/2018 19:30

I think when they get older, they need you in different ways. No way though at 12 or 13. They are still children. My dd is 11. She needs me for emotional support, to help her organise herself, to cope cleanliness etc. Its nonsense!!!

neveradullmoment99 · 07/02/2018 19:31

I have older dc too and they are 30. They still need me or their dad!!!

neveradullmoment99 · 07/02/2018 19:31

..for advice, experience etc.

SavageBeauty73 · 07/02/2018 19:33

I have 15 year old DD and 12 year old twins. They need me more!

I'm 44 and still need my mum 😂😂

orangesticker · 07/02/2018 19:40

They need you, just not for the same things, their emotions need to be navigated with care....to help them achieve independence you need to know them well, know when to give freedom and responsibility based on who they are not what other people say. They need emotional support and unconditional love, lots of understanding and appropriate boundaries - to do this properly you need to know them!

helenlsmith · 07/02/2018 19:45

my girls are aged 40 and 36 and they both still need "mum" for advice, babysitting, or just a chat about nothing over a cuppa. and occasionally a cuddle

JeffsNewAngle · 07/02/2018 19:47

Your “friend” isn’t any good for you.

Time to step back and disengage. Just don’t engage with her anymore.
Practice saying “how interesting you think that” and then ignore.

Make new friends, get a new hobby and a sport you and your DD can do together. Karate, or archery are fun as everyone starts at the same rate.

Your DD will always need you, just in different ways as you both get older.

That friend of yours has reached her best before date. Bin her.

Scotland32 · 07/02/2018 19:49

I'm 40 and I still need my mum! Remember needing her hugely during teenage years.

WanderingStar1 · 07/02/2018 19:51

My DS told me a couple of years ago (he's now 9) that he was a big boy and didn't need me any more except to reach things on high shelves......! That was me told Grin.

DeadDoorpost · 07/02/2018 19:52

I didn't need my mum, who for most of my life treated me as a child still, even at the age of 16. As in, a little child.
I still needed my dad for a long time. Still do. But mostly I just wanted to be left alone. Neither parent really knew what I was thinking or doing much. My dad as horrified to find out I was being bullied and I hadn't told him. I'd concluded that there was no point telling him as he had 7 other children to worry about. I was the eldest and being bullied at 15 seemed a bit stupid to me. Oh well

Overs76 · 07/02/2018 19:53

Your mate sounds like a dick, unhappy with her own situation so makes herself feel better by trying to make you feel shit. Pull her up on it. As for not needing your Mum, she is totally insane. I’m 41 and lost my Mum 9 years ago. In that time I have had a DD of my own and never have I ever needed my Mum more, but I couldn’t have her. You never stop needing your Mum, even when they are no longer around. You will always be needed, loved and wanted by you child. Xxx

MonumentalAlabaster · 07/02/2018 19:54

OP I have 3 DDs in their 20s. This evening my DH is out helping DD3 with something practical while DD1 is due here any moment to have a cry on my shoulder about something that's gone wrong at work!

One of the revelations of parenthood for me is that they will continue to need you even into adulthood - just in a different way!

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 07/02/2018 19:55

Well i’m 43 and sadly don’t have my mum anymore and I need her everyday and I think i’ll Miss her to the day I die. Din’t Listen to her she sounds a right one!!

Super123 · 07/02/2018 19:56

I'm 53 and my Mum is my rock and I speak to her almost every day.

My 20 year old dd is at medical school and we speak almost every day and she frequently asks me for advice and help.

Babyroobs · 07/02/2018 19:57

Since my dd turned 12 I hardly see her and she says very little to me ! She's moody and spends a lot of time in her room .

TellerTuesday4EVA · 07/02/2018 19:58

She just sounds like an arse tbh OP. The wanting you to do online dating part is totally batshit!!

FWIW I needed my mum massively throughout the early teenage years, still do at age 33!!

Threads like these always make me think of the P&G olympics advert - if you haven't seen it watch it on YouTube - makes me blub every single time

blackchina · 07/02/2018 19:58

Not true. Your kids need you more as they get older. I mean, they fucking hate you when they are 15-18, LOL Grin But they still NEEEEED you ... Even if they don't admit it.

They also need you when they are fully fledged adults..... Smile

MonumentalAlabaster · 07/02/2018 19:59

Babyroobs trust me, she still needs you

JaneEyre70 · 07/02/2018 20:01

My eldest is 25 and she spends more time at our home now than she ever did when she was living here! My other 2 are 22 and 19, both still living at home and are very much still in need of their mum! You never stop being a parent, in fact when they have kids of their own I think they suddenly develop a realisation for everything you've done for them and love you even more. Least that's what my DD1 says.

Your friend is frankly weird.

MeadowHay · 07/02/2018 20:03

I haven't RTFT but I'm 24 and I'm not super super close to my mam, at least not compared to lots of other people - but I still need her.

Tonkatol · 07/02/2018 20:12

I have 3DD, aged 22, 18 and 11 and all three of them need me. They require less day to day help the older they get, but they have more complex needs the older they get and, as musicposysaid, they enjoy the friendship. One thing I would suggest is that, whilst I value the friendship of my daughters, I am first and foremost their mother and if I have to implement rules or say something they don't like, I have to act firstly in the role of parent.

seasidelife · 07/02/2018 20:21

Just another 2 pennies worth... I'm 40 something and I'd be lost without my mum, see her at least two or three times a week and text a fair bit. Admittedly the relationship is slightly more equal than when I was 9, or so I'd like to think ;)

Abbylee · 07/02/2018 21:06

She is trying to give herself an out bc she is ignoring her dc and she is needed. This is not about you at ALL; it's about her guilt. At some point dc may not want to need you, but they always will.

She's messed up.

Busybusybust · 07/02/2018 21:11

Oh, I wish! My daughters are 36 and 28 and they still most undoubtedly need me!

As the physical care diminishes the emotional care increases.

Itmakesthereaderreadon · 07/02/2018 21:22

I'm genuinely amazed at a lot of these responses. I couldn't wait to leave home (once counted the days from 13 to when I could leave home at 18 and could leave) and wanted nothing from my parents as a teen but to be left alone. They were in no way abusive or anything, but, in true teen style, they really didn't get me or what life as a 90s teen was like. I've always assumed that was pretty much that norm and Dd would go the same way. Kind of nice to see that she might not.

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