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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend keeps telling me DD won't need me soon

196 replies

danTDM · 06/02/2018 08:55

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with this now, DD is 9, friend (who has a teenaged son 19 or so) keeps commenting that DD won't need me when she is 12/13.

Do any parents of DD's have anything to say to this/opinions on this? I remember needing help with friendships/hormones/school/or sorts of things etc.

I find my friends attitude weird to say the least. Why would she KEEP on about this? It is really upsetting me.

She recently got married for the first time to a man she met online, she has started suggesting I do online dating too. I am married! Have been for 16 years! She is also 'too busy' to talk, as if I am not as busy as she is. Frankly, she has disappeared up her own arse. Hmm

She has been my friend for 30 years but I am beginning to get severely fed up with her condescending comments. AIBU?

OP posts:
RainbowFrog · 06/02/2018 10:44

41, still need my Mum Grin

RavenLG · 06/02/2018 10:49

I'm a 30 year old woman who lives miles away from home. I have my own home and a wonderful DP. I need my parents every single day. Don't ever feel like your child doesn't need you.

There might be times as a teenager where she will tell you she doesn't need you / love you / want you around etc. but it's all bravado and struggling with hormones etc. Deep down she will still love you and need you more than you realise Flowers

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 06/02/2018 10:50

I wouldn’t pay any attention, sounds like she probably had issues with her son and is trying to project her issues to you. My sister is 13 and she still needs my mum. When I was 13 I was more independent byput that was my choice. My mum still did things for me. Hell im almost 30 and she still does things for me now without me asking. Your kids will always need you 😊

thegreylady · 06/02/2018 10:57

My dd is 43, happily married with two sons and a great career. She often ‘needs’ me in different ways from when she was a child. Motherhood is a developing and rewarding relationship. Mum won’t always be able to put things right, the cheating boyfriend, the sick baby etc but she can always offer a loving ear and a ready response.

Weezol · 06/02/2018 10:57

Um, 43 and I still need my mum, 72.

The need has changed over the years, but never left either of us even though we have had some stormy times.

I would drop your 'friend', she sounds unhinged like your lives are moving in opposite directions. I think pimping me out to her BIL would be a justifiable last straw.

nursy1 · 06/02/2018 10:57

Teens is where parenting really kicks in.
I think your friend is very interested in her new marriage and is trying to justify putting her children second place perhaps. Ignore her. Keep a distance for a while.

Doctordonowt · 06/02/2018 11:02

Kids needs for for closeness to their parents waxes and wanes throughout their whole life. The lowest is when hormones or new relationships take hold. The highest is when they are confident and indepent, treating you as an equal.

Mine are in their 40s now and they help me as much as I help them. We are not in constant contact but there is still a closeness, a need and, most of all, respect.

I think your ‘friend’ is displaying very strong signs of jealousy. She is trying to undermine your confidence in your parenting and your relationship. Time to ditch her I think.

DilysMoon · 06/02/2018 11:03

They'll always need you, just in different ways. Ds is 12 and definitely needs me around, lots of changes (high school etc) mean that he needs to talk lots through, probably 'needs' me more than his 9yo brother at the moment. I'd be giving that friend a wide berth for a while....

GeekyBlinders · 06/02/2018 11:04

I still need my mum and she died when I was 32! Unless you have an unusually bad relationship with your mum, you always need her.

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/02/2018 11:09

Whilst having teenagers does afford you a bit more independence in terms of doing your own thing, going out in the evening etc. it's not true to say that they don't need you. I have boys not girls and whilst they can make themselves a meal and be trusted to stay in the house etc, I think they need you emotionally at that age (and to drive them about).

They need a lot of guiding and support through exams and friendships and questions about their future etc.

Your friend sounds lonely and disillusioned and wants a drinking and dating buddy I think.

Deshasafraisy · 06/02/2018 11:10

LTBitch

mummmy2017 · 06/02/2018 11:15

Mine is a DD in her mid teens, sat on my lap hugging this morning.

DD is over 20 still wants her mum..

They do change, but they never leave you.

gussyfinknottle · 06/02/2018 11:16

I'm in my 50s. My mum died recently. I still need my mum. I needed her before she died so this isn't a grief thing. We didn't have a particularly candid relationship but it doesn't mean I didn't have a special bond with her.
Your friend sounds a bit sad.

MapleLeafRag · 06/02/2018 11:17

Sometimes you have to realise when people are spouting shit and ignore them. As she's "too busy" to speak to you that should be easy Grin

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 06/02/2018 11:21

Is she involved in some kind of MLM where you get a bonus for signing someone else up to wifedom? Does she live in Royston Vasey?

Bizarre.

If anything, my dd started needing me more when she was about 12. And that hasn't really changed and she's now 17.

I'd quite happily leave her to her own devices but she likes chatting, sometimes needs information or support or reassurance etc. She's lovely company as well, if I ignore the occasional barbed comment or criticism. Generally very funny and good to be around.

tiggytape · 06/02/2018 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shmithecat · 06/02/2018 11:24

I'm 42 and I still need my mum sometimes. Your 'friend' is talking shite.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 06/02/2018 11:25

Do you have a good relationship with your husband, OP? I can't imagine why she's suggesting you meet someone else, otherwise!

Original poster
danTDM · 06/02/2018 11:35

You are all so kind with posting your experiences. I am quite overwhelmed!
Thank you. I do think she struggled with her DS and was not so engaged with him all the time. He is a lovely, lovely boy however. Lovely.

I am definitely, on the back of this thread, going to tell her to lay off the OLD advice. Fucking patronising and out of order. Also, she has an allotment, so have I and I don't feel the need to go on about it. All. the. time. (which I don't do)

I thank every single poster from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to post. Truly. Invaluable advice too.

It is true that you leave friends, outgrow them, from time to time. I have no family support whatsoever, so this has been brilliant. Thank you. No doubt be back for teen advice!

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 06/02/2018 11:36

I have 2 DDs, the eldest is 22, married with a 2 year old (birthday today) and a baby due in March. She has facetimed me three times today already and I am going to see her tomorrow.

My young DD is 12. I homeschool her. She is with me all the time. She will always need me. She needs me right now to teach her and make sure she catches up with her peers, then in September 2019 she will need to me help her navigate returning to school, not the one local to us the people who bullied her will go to, but one further away, with classes of 8 children. She needs me to cheer her on in her karate competitions, to advise her on all sorts of things.

Your 'friend' is talking nonsense. Especially about signing you up to OLD! She is jealous of you and your relationship.

The80sweregreat · 06/02/2018 11:36

Sometimes people just like to project their own views - maybe her new dh is very demanding / still in the honeymoon period and she is feeling guilty about her own child not getting much attention? ( i know he is 19 but he still needs his mum around at times) plus she is confusing 9 with 19, different kettle of fish in ages and needs as well. Some children are more independent at 18 or 19 - they normally arnt at 9.
my sil used to say ' my two will have to leave home at 18' - before she had any kids. her son left home at 29 in the end!! people change their views a lot over the years. some of my family members were up and gone at 21 or even before this. it all depends on the person and the circumstances.

Original poster
danTDM · 06/02/2018 11:37

And tiggy yes, I agree totally, DD is 9 and as easy as ever she was.

.

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 06/02/2018 11:39

I'm in my 20s and still need my father. Not because I couldn't cope in my own, I can, I could at twelve to be fair, but because I love him. I didn't really use him as an emotional crutch/for advice etc during my teens but we were and still are very close. We have always spent a lot of time together and I have always really enjoyed his company. I need him because he is one of the most important people in my life.

As for the suggestion you start online dating that's just bizarre. I would assume that there is something wrong to be honest-gave you asked?

NotTheFordType · 06/02/2018 11:40

My son is 22 and he still needs me. She is projecting her guilt at being a shitty parent when her son was that age.

feska5 · 06/02/2018 11:41

Your ‘friend’ sounds as if she’s lost the plot! You should completely ignore her strange comments and step away from her. Friends don’t upset each other, they support each other. My DD’s aged 26, 24 and 22 still need me. Their needs change as they get older that’s all. I wish my DM was still with us - there are times when I need her wisdom and kindness ❣️

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