My friend keeps telling me DD won't need me soon

[danTDM]

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with this now, DD is 9, friend (who has a teenaged son 19 or so) keeps commenting that DD won't need me when she is 12/13.

Do any parents of DD's have anything to say to this/opinions on this? I remember needing help with friendships/hormones/school/or sorts of things etc.

I find my friends attitude weird to say the least. Why would she KEEP on about this? It is really upsetting me.

She recently got married for the first time to a man she met online, she has started suggesting I do online dating too. I am married! Have been for 16 years! She is also 'too busy' to talk, as if I am not as busy as she is. Frankly, she has disappeared up her own arse.

She has been my friend for 30 years but I am beginning to get severely fed up with her condescending comments. AIBU?

Have I got this right - she has been married for only a year, and is still doing OLD? Does her husband know?

Your friend is stirring - not cool. Do you have to keep seeing her?

OP your friend is ridiculous and not really a friend to you at all. Of courses your DD will still need you. My daughter are 26,28 and 30 and although they don't need me practically or all the time. They do need me in other ways they know they can cone to DH and I for support and advice.
DD2 had severe depression and anxiety a few years ago and she oftened phoned me for love and support even though her boyfriend also supported her.

Tell her the only time a child 'won't need ' it's mother is when the child realised early on the mother was useless and they'd be better off fending for themselves. That'll shut her up.

i would ignore the comments about your child, the thing that would bother me is her trying to get you to go online dating - is she saying you should leave your husband because she has a new one now?
I had a friend who did OLD and she ( jokingly) said i should give it a go! i said that one dh was enough for anyone really. she didnt get that far with it herself! unlike your friend who did find someone.
i would quietly drop her personally, she sounds a bit unhinged.

I have 2 sons and a daughter, all older teens/early 20's, all live away from home and all still need their mum in different ways! i'm nearly 50 and still lucky enough to have my mum around who I regularly call on for comforting hugs and advice!

Your friend is wrong

my mother was like this to dh.

Would just keep telling him how is kids (then under 10) wouldn't want to keep seeing him once they hit their teenage years as they'd be too busy with friends, school, and homework to bother traipsing to see their dad when they could be out socialising.

No wonder we didn't get on when I was a teenager. And why I haven't needed my mum since I was about 12.

You have a very weird concept of 'friendship'.

The neighbours daughter started to call her mother by her first name at age 14/15 at the mother’s insistence. My take is that she didn’t want to do the difficult teen parenting and preferred to be her dds friend instead. My dd is 9. I expect she will need me for many years to come. Your friend sounds a lot like parents, who expect their kids just to get on with it and are quasi adults once they reach a certain age. So much more cool than actually being a parent.

She sounds like someone who has a very simple way of thinking - her experience is the only experience, however she's doing things is the way to do things. She's either very dim or a narcissist. (Why not both?)

Just be too busy to speak to her when she calls, the friendship will tail off.

This woman is not your friend and does not want the best for you.

I wonder if she is really as happy as she pretends to be? Maybe she feels shut out of her ds life? Is she sad he has grown up or trying for a child unsuccessfully? These comments are not coming from a place of happiness.

My dd is just about to be 13 and has never needed me more more! They need a huge amount of support. You will always be there for her.

Big step back and enjoy your dd and ignore her digs

I have sons aged 15 and 12.

They talk through their problems with friends and ask why people behave a certain way. I hopefully help them navigate their way through friendships, difficult classmates etc.

I am a SAHM so am here when they get in from school. We talk about their school day briefly, ie in maths we did x in history we did the tudors. At lunch I ate pasta then John did this really funny impression blah blah blah.

We do this daily. We sit down for an evening meal with Dh then we either play a game or watch tv/film together as a family plus run them to their sporting activity.

I think they need you less in terms of packing their school bag or tying their shoe laces but need you more emotionally and talk to you more about important things rather than a cartoon they watched.

She also always finds 9.30pm on a schoolnight is the time to ask one of her 'questions that's my dd- it's a way of avoiding going to bed and getting one-to-one time with mum rolled into one!

In terms of emotional support, you absolutely have to be there for them in the teen years (and logistically, lifts, sleepovers, homework). It's not intense though in the same way as having a toddler clinging to your leg is though, thank goodness.

She's weird about the OLD, but then, some people are. A friend of mine decided DH was not right for me and therefore temporary. I still see her and accept she has her foibles but have to be careful not to see her too much or she would put a wedge between me and DH. I've recently called her out on still using my unmarried surname on cards to me etc (I hated it, so it rankles). She says she can't think of me as "new" name. She suggests me meeting people and still talks about DH as if he's temporary and I could do better. I've now been with him for 26 years.

Some people are just weird, I don't know if they can't accept that others are happy or what. But be careful. It's already making you worried (you don't need to be) about your future years with your DD. Don't let her cause trouble. If you keep her as a friend, keep her at a bit more of a distance.

Sounds to me that she is all wrapped up in her new life with her new husband in that blissful early stage and thinks your marriage is not up to scratch and you should get out there and have to same super-fulling partnership that she's found. Hence the "your daughter won't need you in a few years' time, then what will you do, it will just be you and DH, don't let that hold you back etc."

I have no idea about the state of your marriage but she's clearly talking out of her arse about your DD.

I think you have to gently tell her to stop, and if she gets pissy or doesn't stop, then you know you need to step away from the friendship but at least you tried and gave her a chance.

She's high on her new marriage - it's nothing to do with you, really.

My dc are only 6 and 9 but I have friends with teenage dc and they talk lots of their dc needing them to help them with college and university applications, choosing unis together, enjoying chats and a cup of tea after school, being used as a taxi driver! Another older lady has grown up children, one son moved back in with her recently after splitting from partner and child, she helps so much with her grandchildren. The needs are just different.

Your friend sounds very odd. Aside from suggesting you do internet dating which is just bizarre given you're married and haven't said you want to leave marriage/meet someone new. I think she's projecting and probably feels redundant in her sons' life. I had a friend who had an unplanned baby at 23 and spent the next few years trying to convince me I should have a baby. It was years later before I realised it was because she wanted someone else to be going through the same life issues as her. I think your friend is doing this.

My MIL keeps telling me everytime I see her which is weekly, that she feels so sad that my children are growing up so quickly and can't believe how much they've changed and I should spend every moment with them because it 'doesn't last long' and up until recently it upset me so much and made me feel they're slipping through my fingers - they are 16 months and 2.9 years!!!!! I've decided she has some kind of unresolved issue I don't know what, maybe she feels she missed out on her own children due to work.

I wonder if she is really as happy as she pretends to be? Maybe she feels shut out of her ds life? Is she sad he has grown up or trying for a child unsuccessfully? These comments are not coming from a place of happiness

I wondered if she's one of those "a son is a son until he takes a wife" people, and is already emotionally disengaging from him now serious girlfriends are on the horizon. Self fulfilling prophecy- if she pushes him away, he will seek support from a partner, and her family too.

Has she decided her ds doesn't need her because she is too busy with her new fella and thinking that he might need her would somehow impinge on her time with her new life.

Or has ds just walked away because she is acting like a complete a**e and he is embarrassed

DD will always need you. I'm guessing she means treasure her while she's little? They do change when they go to senior school, and kids do grow up too fast these days. Most likely your friend is projecting the fact that she doesn't feel needed by her son onto you. Don't listen to her!

I could write so much, but in a nutshell I think you should drop her.

Her giving out your email and telling you to OLD is really fucking offensive. Like she clearly thinks she has some right to judge your life, find it wanting and try and upend it.

She has zero respect for you. She's also fairly dense, no use to you for friendly support (clearly) and has massive issues of her own re her relationships, which she's happy to push onto you.

So all in all one massive PITA.

Step right back. How do you generally interact? Obviously do it in the easiest way for you - no need for a showdown (though if she gets shirty with you then I wouldn't hestitate to tell her why you're freezing her out, with both barrels).

Ignore texts - 'busy right now'

Make excuses for meeting. If she persists - 'Sorry but tbh I'm not in the mood for being lectured to about how I should be cheating on my husband. Going to give meeting up a break for a while.'

Comments on your DD? A good way to hit back when someone's so obviously projecting is to reply to that - rather than reply to what they've actually said. So:

• 'Oh she won't need you at all in a couple of years!'
• 'Look, you shouldn't dwell on it that pulled away from you so quickly. It wouldn't have been anything you did, they're all different.'
• 'What do you mean? I didn't say that!'
• 'Maybe you should spend more time with him doing individual things? Even at his age it's definitely not too late to get closer?'

You do what she does to you. Pull the conversation around to YOU giving well-meaning smug advice to her. She won't like it!

My DDs mustn't have gotten the memo.

They are in their 20s now, both with their own homes 5 minutes away by car and they still need us.

Your friend is talking rubbish.

Ignore her.

I assume as children grow the way they need us is different. Such like my dd (6) need me differently to when she was a baby. And she needs me differently to my son who is 9...

Ignore ignore ignore op.

I'm 27. I still need my mum every now and then.

I needed her more than ever as a teen. I literally wouldn't have survived without her support.

Your friend is being a goady fucker

I'm 36 and have my own DH and DC but still need my Mum. Perhaps not in the same way but she's an essential part of my life and will be til the day I lose her. Same for my Dad. DS1 is 12 and absolutely needs as much parenting now as he did as a 3 or 4 year old. I'd be doing him a huge disservice if I assumed he wanted to become entirely independent of me suddenly because he'd hit double figures. They're still works in progress rather than finished articles and in need of love, kindness and nurture in every step they take away from us.

Parenting isn't something that stops at a certain point. It is one of the few roles you take that lasts a lifetime.

Your friend isn't a friend. Let the friendship run it's course and accept that who she is now isn't what you needs. It's sad, but essential sometimes.