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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend keeps telling me DD won't need me soon

196 replies

danTDM · 06/02/2018 08:55

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with this now, DD is 9, friend (who has a teenaged son 19 or so) keeps commenting that DD won't need me when she is 12/13.

Do any parents of DD's have anything to say to this/opinions on this? I remember needing help with friendships/hormones/school/or sorts of things etc.

I find my friends attitude weird to say the least. Why would she KEEP on about this? It is really upsetting me.

She recently got married for the first time to a man she met online, she has started suggesting I do online dating too. I am married! Have been for 16 years! She is also 'too busy' to talk, as if I am not as busy as she is. Frankly, she has disappeared up her own arse. Hmm

She has been my friend for 30 years but I am beginning to get severely fed up with her condescending comments. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2018 09:16

My DD is 13 and still needs me.
Probably not in a practical sense but the issues she faces now need an adult perspective a lot of the time so she needs an actual adult with life experience to help with that.
She also still needs to know that she is loved and supported whatever she does.
Your friend is an asshat and wants you to act the same as she does to validate her own choices

BarbarianMum · 06/02/2018 09:17

Your dd will always need you but you don't need to put your life on hold to be there for her. Could this be what your friend is getting at ?

HappyLollipop · 06/02/2018 09:20

I'm 25 and just had my first baby and I needed my mum more than ever during my pregnancy, birth and beyond, I've never appreciated my mum more! Yes your relationship will change as she gets older but your DD will never stop needing you.

Mugshotzforlunch · 06/02/2018 09:20

This is why teenage kids are messed up. People like your friends treating teenagers as if they're adults and expecting them to deal with life's responsibilities when they're not ready. Teenagers need parental guidance even more than toddlers or younger kids. Your friend is a dick imo

NotReadyToMove · 06/02/2018 09:21

The way they need you as a teen isn’t the same than the way they need you as toddlers.
Teens need you as a guidance, there to talk to them when they need to. There to be a taxi driver too. And generally be in the background.
But they won’t need to constant attention that toddlers do.

I also agree that in some ways teens need you MORE. In that I think you can ‘delegate’ some of their care to someone else (eg leave them with a grand parent/friend) but you can’t do that with a teen.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/02/2018 09:22

She can feck right off. DD is 13, she acts like she doesn't need (or sometimes want) me, but she does. Just the other night when we were watching CTM, she said 'I'll have you there when I have my first baby'....bless 😊. She also always finds 9.30pm on a schoolnight is the time to ask one of her 'questions', last week we ended up discussing votes for women (current project at school) until gone 10pm.

If I'm honest, I could really do with my mum right now, have awful period pains and eight sutures in my head which hurt like hell and need a Mum cuddle (and her to make me toast and lemon curd). But she's dead, I flippin miss her.

I might have a little cry on the phone to DMIL later (and hopefully she'll come round with cake and a shoulder to cry on, she's fab).

Your DD will always need you in some context (she might not know it, or show it, but she will).

AmethystRaven · 06/02/2018 09:23

My sister is 30 and needs more 'looking after' now than she did in childhood!

When I had my first baby, my mum was the only person I wanted. DH is the centre of my universe but that day he just didn't cut it.

She'll always need you, just in different ways.

InspMorse · 06/02/2018 09:23

I think they need you more in some ways. Obviously not for practical things like cleaning teeth (although that's debateable!) but they need you to train help them AS they become independent. They have so much to learn and you ABSOLUTELY need to be there.

Maybe your friend allowed her DS to do as he liked when he was a teen... freedom is good but so is family life.

bobstersmum · 06/02/2018 09:25

Sounds like you should bin her has she gone a bit nutty? Of course your dd will still need you, even more so in some ways. I'm 36 and still need my mum and I'm not a wet behind the ears sap either!

GoneBGI · 06/02/2018 09:25

Have just spent 20 mins on the phone to Plusnet sorting out my 18 yo son's mobile phone (he was 17 when he got the phone, hence contract is in my name), then called son to relay info and leave with him.

Bollocks he doesn't need me! He's an independent young man in his first year at Uni but heck...he's still got a lot to learn.

DevilsDoorbell · 06/02/2018 09:26

I’m 46 and I still need my mum! Not in the same way that I did when I was 3 or 13!

She’s not a friend. I’d be happy that she’s too busy and I would suggest that you start being too busy too if and when she decides to stop being an arse.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/02/2018 09:26

It sounds to me a bit as though she's cast her son adrift now she has a new man in her life and she's trying to reassure herself that he no longer needs her at all. She's probably just trying to assuage her own guilt, OP. Ignore her.

NWQM · 06/02/2018 09:26

I still need my Mum now.... frequently. Mightly glad I've a MiL too as frequently need both :-) I'm far from being 12 - 13. Sounds as if you and your friend have grown apart. Perhaps cool off how much you see of her for a while. Comments such as going on line dating when you are married are just plain odd.

Brighteyes27 · 06/02/2018 09:26

I think they still need you but in different ways and for different things. I have a DD who is 12 almost 13 yes she can do many things herself making a snack, pricing up holidays abroad, helping me with IT etc. At times I am sad and miss my little girl who held my hand and always wanted a cuddle. She has changed but she is still there and needs me differently but doesn’t always like to admit it.
I think your friend wishes her son was smaller and needier again and is winding you up.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 06/02/2018 09:28

Agree with the others, my young teen needs me more than ever, not so much in practical ways but certainly emotionally while she navigates the tricky business of growing up.

timeforabrewnow · 06/02/2018 09:30

YANBU - your 'friend' is a prat.

Sounds like it's time to get some new friends even if you have known her for 30 years...

Yogagirl123 · 06/02/2018 09:30

Your daughter is just 9, what a strange thing for a friend to say, of course she still needs you.

Perhaps some jealousy there. As for the online dating suggestion, omg!

Perhaps, everything isn’t as great for her as she is making out.

Sometimes friendships are meant to end, as circumstances change. Give her a wide berth OP. It’s difficult to end a longstanding friendship, but why would a friend want to upset you?

Vashna · 06/02/2018 09:33

Your friend sounds mad as a brush. They need you more in their teenage years!!! My god - two of mine are now 14 and 12 and what with homework /school pressures and friendship dramas, the toddler years seem a breeze in comparison.

Original poster
danTDM · 06/02/2018 09:35

You have all been so supportive, thankyou very much. 9 years on mumsnet and first AIBU too! I woke up in the night furious with her, my problem is I say nothing. Obviously I will 'step back' a bit when DD hits the tweens/teens. But I thought as you have all said, my DD will need me more than ever in some ways.

But I really panicked, I must admit, that I would be redundant. Which is ridiculous as I have been a teen too (once!)

The only thing I can think of is she really wanted a girl, I remember that. (I really wanted a boy!) But when she met her OLD husband, she gave his BROTHER my email address. She is definitely NOT joking about me meeting someone else. Right now that is so far off my agenda as to be laughable. It is offensive really.

Thanks very much indeed for opinions. Feel much more confident now.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/02/2018 09:35

Are you sure she's your friend ?
Of course your DD will need you, for an array of matters, throughout her life. A good Mum is always needed. 🌸
Your 'friend' needs to button it, and you need to call her out on it OP.

Pinkbendyman · 06/02/2018 09:36

My 2 DC are 18 and 19 and they still need me, alway have done throughout their teenage years.

Don't worry about things Smile

Royalfuckup · 06/02/2018 09:38

Bloody hell OP, what’s her beef with your DH? Confused

GinIsIn · 06/02/2018 09:40

I’m 35. Still need my mum!

maddiemookins16mum · 06/02/2018 09:41

Oh and just to add, that transition between primary and senior school they suddenly become 'little' again....I can still see DD in her too big blazer looking like a little lost sheep on her first day so there is a lot more 'mothering' to come over the next few years. Your 'friend' knows that too.

CryingMessFFS · 06/02/2018 09:41

She sounds very strange (the OLD suggestion particularly, since you’re married!)
Anyway, I’m 29 and married with 2DC and I still need my mum. Nowadays mainly her friendship but sometimes her emotional support too. So relationships with parents change over the years but a good mum is always needed.
Maybe it’s time to back away from the friendship?

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