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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - house guests bringing junk food

319 replies

crumbseverywhere · 05/02/2018 14:33

I have a very sweet tooth and since the birth of DC2 8 months ago have struggled to control my diet. As a result I haven’t lost the baby weight so I am feeling pretty rubbish. This year my husband and I have vowed to be better and have stopped buying any biscuits/cake/junk Monday to Friday so the temptation isn’t there. My willpower is terrible when I’m at home all day with the DC. At the weekend we allow ourselves a small treat. It’s working as we are no longer craving sugar and I have already lost a few pounds.

My PIL live 150 miles away and visit once a month or so. Every time they come MIL brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc. Every time (for the last 2 years) we have been saying please don’t as we can’t eat it/don’t want it but it falls on deaf ears. As a result we end up eating far too much and throwing a lot away. A lot of it is quantity over quality that has been frozen and then defrosted.

This weekend gone they came to stay. In an email exchange the week before we were asked if we wanted anything, husband repeated NO and explained us trying to be good. This was acknowledged and even congratulated! But as usual they arrived with the bloody tins.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it. A lot will end up in the bin.

AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts? Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?
WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 05/02/2018 15:57

If you can walk past the chocolates/biscuits etc in supermarket then you can chuck it in the bin instantly without even sniffing it - tell them next time that you are grateful that they think of you, but they're not listening to you so you did throw it away/gave it away and will have to again if they bring any more because it's ruining your diet

BarbaraofSevillle · 05/02/2018 15:59

Why should the OP fill her freezer with food she doesn't want? I don't think 'here's a load of crap MIL foisted onto us that's been in and out of the freezer twice' is a good back to work offering.

If they brought sensible amounts of nice cakes, it wouldn't be a problem, but it seems like they are bringing enough to feed an army.

And seeing as there are a lot of people who won't eat home made and a lot of organisations like shelters who simply won't accept them, giving them away might be easier said than done.

HolyShet · 05/02/2018 16:01

Your message is getting mixed up - because you keep eating it

Stop eating it, when they are there and when they are not.

Pointedly neither of you eat or offer it.

They think they are doing a nice thing for you, and I disagree with pp - it is neither disrespectful nor showing a lack of support. You eat it so they bring it so you eat it. Stop eating it, and I bet they stop bringing it.

Give away what you can't consume if they refuse to take it back home with them.

MichaelBendfaster · 05/02/2018 16:01

Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?

Well, yes.

Although I do agree you might expect a bit of support from your family.

But if you just don't eat it, and say firmly to them 'It looks wonderful, but as we've told you, we've stopped eating sugar', they might get the message.

littledinaco · 05/02/2018 16:02

It’s frustrating they aren’t listening to you but I think you need to focus on what you can control which is eating it.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it
Maybe look at why this is as this isn’t a healthy relationship with food.
There will always be things to ‘tempt’ you and if you can get into a new habit of having a small amount or none at all it will be far easier to maintain your weight long term. If you can address why you feel you have no option but to eat ‘too much’ it may help you to build a positive relationship with food.

Vibe2018 · 05/02/2018 16:02

*Today 14:47 Notevilstepmother

Home made cakes are not junk food. I thought people were bringing burgers to your house when you’ve cooked a nice meal. *

Of course homemade cakes can be equally as junky as shop bought ones. Have a look at the ingredients in some recipie books - mountains of sugar etc.

Some people enjoy baking but then make more than they can possibly eat and try to off-load it on others.

allthecheese · 05/02/2018 16:03

Oh I have this same issue. You need to find a way to throw it away without them knowing. My MIL brings all the cakes, and says I'm slim so I am fine to eat cakes. I'm slim because I don't eat them! I also have zero self control.

LexieLulu · 05/02/2018 16:11

Luckily they don't come and visit too often. It was rude of them to ignore your wishes.

But if they do it again just say to them "not a chance, last time I told myself I'd be good and I ended up eating all your cakes, they are not setting foot in my house" so it's a bit lighthearted, a bit complimentary (you ate them so they were nice), but gets to the point.

mindutopia · 05/02/2018 16:12

It's rude to an extent that they won't take seriously your request to stop bringing you stuff, but honestly, just don't eat it and ask them to take it back to the car or tip the lot in the bin as soon as they arrive. I love wine A LOT, but if I can't drink (like now, I'm pregnant), I don't guzzle a bottle just because someone brings us one. Just don't eat it or bin it straightaway.

ferretface · 05/02/2018 16:26

They are definitely being unreasonable in continuing to bring it after you've repeatedly said please don't but i think it would also be unreasonable to cause a big scene and put in the bin when there might be less wasteful options available.

Do they eat any of it at all? Is it possible they are bringing it because they also enjoy eating it themselves when they're visiting you?

I think the best way of dealing with it is allow them to eat whatever they want of it while they're visiting you, but say that sadly you can't allow yourself any because you're watching your eating and as soon as you have anything like that it will just be a slippery slope. Say you're sure work people would enjoy it, or maybe they could take some back themselves?

There are ways of enforcing your boundaries without it necessarily causing a big fuss. If they fuss about the above then there is maybe some manipulation going on and you would be more justified in taking a much firmer approach about letting the tins of treats into the house at all.

ShutYoFace · 05/02/2018 16:27

Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?

Got it in one. You ate too much food. That's no ones fault but your own.

Sturmundcalm · 05/02/2018 16:28

I sympathise because as well as an emotional relationship with food i also hate waste so would be torn between eating it or seeing food wasted.

Perhaps a more definitive approach would work? I've given up sugar and if someone turned up with cakes I wouldn't have any at all, and would be sending them back with the other stuff on the basis that it won't be eaten. You need to stop eating ANY of it, and have in the house what you would eat as an alternative (whether that's unhealthy such as crisps or healthier such as hard-boiled eggs, unsalted nuts, etc) and eat that instead at the point when they are having cake.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 05/02/2018 16:32

Probably not BU re the request for less cake. But you are VU for using the phrase "falls on deaf ears".

ohfortuna · 05/02/2018 16:32

I think you are unfairly being given a hard time on here OP, in common with many people you struggle with food cravings, you have enough insight to recognise this and you are sensible enough to try and avoid situations where you are confronted with very strong food cues (ie piles of treats in the house)
your inlaws are deliberately sabotaging your efforts and I think that is a bastardly thing to do.

IMO this is not very different to visiting someone who is an alcoholic and giving them bottles of booze after they have told you that they want to avoid proximity to alcohol.

I think you need to be firm, 'do not bring us any food, we do not want it if you bring it we will make you take it back home with you'

I hate it when people try and force food on youAngry

ohfortuna · 05/02/2018 16:34

My MIL brings all the cakes, and says I'm slim so I am fine to eat cakes
she brings you cakes because she would prefer it if you weren't slim

100YearsOfVote · 05/02/2018 16:37

as she is determined not to listen to you, when she arrives, take the tions, say I'm "just popping out" and take them straight to the local hospice/retirement home/homeless shelter etc.

Repeat as necessary. Smile

ThatFuckingVase · 05/02/2018 16:39

When they arrive with tins of stuff (after you've emailed asking them not to bring anything) just make them turn around at the door and put the tins/boxes back in their car. Assuming they drive over.

'Sorry, we cant have that stuff in the house, we will just eat it and we're trying to be healthy, can you leave it in your car.'

'No, really... put it back in your car please, we can't have it in the house.'

'No.'

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2018 16:41

Well, I think it's very unkind to bring it if you struggle against eating it. Just the same as it would be very unkind to show up at the home of a recovering alcoholic waiving bottles of booze.

That being said, it is up to you to use willpower to resist. And willpower gets stronger with exercise! You may find that it kills you to say 'NO' the first time, but that if you allow yourself to take pride in keeping to your resolve, it does start to get easier.

There are always going to be temptations to overindulge. Keeping it out of your home isn't going to help you say no at that next wedding, Xmas party, birthday party, etc. Only developing willpower will allow you to either say no or to have just one small helping.

As an added bonus, if your iLs see that they are the only ones eating it it's pretty likely that they'll stop bringing it, or at least stop bringing so much!

Mossbystrand · 05/02/2018 16:41

Could you donate the shop bought items --if any- to the food bank? Also, with the home made treats invite people round for dinner/tea and share it out. There's no need to throw out perfectly good food because your will power is weak.

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/02/2018 16:44

Home made cakes are not junk food.

LOL

Just because something is ''home made' doesn't make the sugar and fat magically become super good for you.

There is literally nothing good in cake, you do not need to eat cake unless you need a lot of calories very cheaply.

Cmagic7 · 05/02/2018 16:45

Aargh! I know exactly how you feel. Some people really struggle with overeating to the point it becomes an addiction. If you had told them, please don't leave loads of booze at our house because I'm an alcoholic, I bet most of the comments in this thread wouldn't have been 'just don't drink it!'.

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/02/2018 16:47

Feed the birds.

You do not have to eat it.

Springtrolls · 05/02/2018 16:52

Christ on a bike I think OP is getting a rough ride here. All these people who say "just use some willpower" have never dealt with food compulsion

How can you assume that no one here has any eating disorders?

Even the refine sugar email isn’t clear op. Not everyone understands what refined sugars are. You both need to say stop with the home made and shop bought stuff. We will not be eating it. If they show up with it, return and repeat.

Perhaps the reason neither of you are clear and are sending these mixed messages is because you enjoy it. Not the food as such, but the enjoyment of revoking power over food and having someone else to blame.

Peartree17 · 05/02/2018 16:53

OK, 5 pages of posts and I am now fascinated - OP, what are you going to do?????

Iwantamarshmallow · 05/02/2018 16:54

I think people are being a bit hard on you. You’ve admitted you struggle with will power and the way you manage that is to not buy the rubbish in the first place.
Regardless of will power if someone brought me cakes I would eat them because I hate waste.
Tell you PIL in no uncertain terms please do not bring any cakes with you as we cannot eat them. If they bring them anyway just give them away. Taking them to the office is a really good idea

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