AIBU - house guests bringing junk food

[crumbseverywhere]

I have a very sweet tooth and since the birth of DC2 8 months ago have struggled to control my diet. As a result I haven’t lost the baby weight so I am feeling pretty rubbish. This year my husband and I have vowed to be better and have stopped buying any biscuits/cake/junk Monday to Friday so the temptation isn’t there. My willpower is terrible when I’m at home all day with the DC. At the weekend we allow ourselves a small treat. It’s working as we are no longer craving sugar and I have already lost a few pounds.

My PIL live 150 miles away and visit once a month or so. Every time they come MIL brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc. Every time (for the last 2 years) we have been saying please don’t as we can’t eat it/don’t want it but it falls on deaf ears. As a result we end up eating far too much and throwing a lot away. A lot of it is quantity over quality that has been frozen and then defrosted.

This weekend gone they came to stay. In an email exchange the week before we were asked if we wanted anything, husband repeated NO and explained us trying to be good. This was acknowledged and even congratulated! But as usual they arrived with the bloody tins.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it. A lot will end up in the bin.

AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts? Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?
WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?

Put the tins straight back into their car.

Is there something that they could bring? If they are feeders then put their efforts into something else. For example - 'could you bring a soup / a casserole / some granary bread?'

There is a mental hurdle to overcome to be able to throw perfectly good food away. Op wouldn't have to if in laws heeded her reasonable request. Which they won't. I can't advise how to overcome it, I've not figured out how for myself, but it seems that some of you might be able to? I think it's something about either the food being wasted in the bin or being wasted in your body making you fat.

I like sparkles' idea of asking them to bring something else

@crumbseverywhere

"AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts?" No of course you are not but you need to be very plain with them now.

"Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?" you can blame them all you like as far as I am concerned!

"WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?"

Personally, I would not put it in the bin I would tell them to leave it in the car. Just make sure you are ready to welcome them in and not to welcome in the bags of food.

If they complain I am afraid I would then feel obliged to say "MIL I am afraid your bringing this shows that you do not respect our wishes to lose weight and get fit. I will have to throw these in the bin and that seems like a waste, so please put them in the car and take them home."

Don't pass them on to your friends or take it to work, I doubt they need the sugar either.

It's bringing them pleasure but it's not respectful to disrespect people's very clearly stated wishes.

@Bluntness100 "Can your will power really be so bad that if you both see it you need to eat it and eat as much of it as possible? Neither of you has any form of self control whatsoever in the face of food?"

Lots of people are like this, which is why the parents bringing this shit is so harmful and disrespectful.

The "just don't eat it" brigade are extraordinarily uninsigtful

A lot of it is quantity over quality

But your eating it all so it can't taste that bad? I felt for you, until you started complaining about their baking.

What do you actually do when she arrives with the tins? How does it play out? Do you actually say "we aren't eating that I'm so sorry, we are on diets, you have what you want but you will have to take the rest back or we can give it to neighbours/colleagues" or do you say "thanks , get the Kettle on, let's crack these bad boys open" whilst opening and peering inside?

Because there is a moment there when thr tins make an appearance where you can say no, your will power can't be so bad that even the sight of the tins makes you want to eat their contents?

Also are you sending the tins home with them? Do you take the contents out and keep them and give them back the empty tins?

The "just don't eat it" brigade are extraordinarily uninsigtful

No they aren't, they are the only ones talking sense. Food is everywhere, you can't avoid it. Nobody stuffs it into your face. You choose what you eat.
If you physically can't stop yourself from eating all the food in your kitchen just because it is there then you need serious help, not a diet.

Nah, I'm not.

If I don't want to eat something, I don't pick it up and put it into my mouth.

It's a really simple concept.

PIL view your cries of 'please don't bring us cakes we're on a diet' as irrelevant because every time they arrive with laden tins, you and your DH thoroughly enjoy scoffing the treats.

If you don't want them, don't eat them. Send PIL home with full tins.

Can u give to a neighbour me and my neighbour always do this when we have too much of something. Whether that's cakes or ordered too much takeaway.. Etc. Gets its out the house. Either that or freeze r the scones etc and take out one at a time for your dh lunch boxes

@BarbaraofSevillle "Food that you eat when you don't want to eat it is no less wasted than food that goes in the bin. Good luck with the healthy eating regime." Common sense and so true. If you don't need to eat it, it certainly is junk.

Round our way food at the food bank needs a 6 month date on it, no idea if they would take home made cakes.

There is so much rudeness on this thread of people who do not seem to understand how overeating affects people.

@Bluntness100 "then falling on it like a pair of starving refugees" how incredibly rude!

I can't understand all these people keen to foist the high fat food onto total strangers either.

You are not giving mixed messages by eating it. You are proving that by eating it when you have said you do not want to you are struggling to control your eating. This affects a lot of people for a whole host of reasons.

I think you need to email again and be very clear.

"While we appreciate you feel bringing cakes when you visit us is a nice gesture, we can see that. However, it is having a bad affect on our health. We both struggle with self control and find it hard to resist the cakes.

Please do not bring any cakes when you visit. If you would like to bring something nice we would love a bunch of flowers.

If you bring any cakes they will be left in the car and returned with you.

I really hope you can understand this. We are working on our self control, please help us and do not bring any cakes."

Please STOP thanking them for cakes. You are not grateful and it is not nice. I say this as someone with an eating disorder. It is like lighting a fag in front of someone who has just said they want to give up smoking.

And please do not offload this stuff onto your friends or work colleagues, they don't need it either, and if they want it, they can buy it.

Wow there are some really harsh comments here.

I totally see where you are coming from and I can't understand why your PIL keep on doing this. It's very odd.

The only positive thing that I can think of - which I am sure you have thought of yourself - is to stock up on your favorite healthy snacks before they come so you can ignore the unhealthy choices. And then bin everything as soon as they are in the car to leave.

How kind of you to have then to stay so often.

To all those posters who have said, “Just use your willpower”, if we could all just open a can of will power, there would be far fewer overweight people in the world.

OP, do you think they just don’t want to come empty handed? I think your DH needs to meet them at the door next time, and ask, politely if they could keep the tins in the car.

@DearMrDilkington "But your eating it all so it can't taste that bad?"

People who over eat do not usually care very much about the taste. Overeating in some of us is a kind of compulsion. It really is not logical because logic would say people should not eat until they feel sick, or guilty. And yet many do!

@crumbseverywhere I would really suggest looking into some mindfulness for over eating. Do not feel guilty, or bad, just focus on what is good for you. XXXX

My sister in law does this too with a very large, rich fruit cake every christmas. . In the past I have had a slice to be polite and then chucked it in the food waste after she left but this year I suggested she takes it back as it is just DH and I at home now and it will be wasted. Guess what? She didn't want it either and I have to pass it on to her brother who,lives locally. Who knows where it will end up! Hopefully she won't do it again next year. She also gave me chocolates. Those found a good home as I work for a youth charity and between service users and their carers any sweets left in the coffee room disappear very quickly.

I sympathise OP and think you're getting a hard time here.

Before your next visit you need to be a lot firmer. Tell them that they can't bring lots of cakes etc. to leave and you will not eat them. They can bring what they will eat themselves, but if they bring more than that you're going to throw them out, because you simply cannot have them in the house.

Perhaps you could give them some healthy recipes that they could make up for you - that way they satisfy their desire to bring food, but it doesn't impact negatively on your waist line.

If you have a car then take all the cake goodies around to your local garage. The mechanics will be delighted and you will get preferential treatment.

Could you cut down on the visits? Tell pil that you don't want to see them for a few months so that you can get your diet back on track.

@Honeycombcrunch brilliant idea!

I like the idea someone had upthread of sending a nice card thanking them for the thought....but that you really can't accept any more for health reasons. As it's once a month, they would have 3-4 weeks to process the idea and less potential embarrassment. If they still bring it next time, could you thank them, remind them about the card and say you are taking the cakes to work as you cannot eat them Stick the tins in the boot of the car and put out at work (or DH work) with a donation jar for your favourite charity. That way the cakes are not 'yours' , they are earmarked for charity and you might be less tempted to sample them.

Maybe the 150 mile distance thing is a factor for them though and by leaving cake behind when they go, they feel they are somehow still keeping contact/providing/being there/helping (through cake!). Is there something else they could do to replace that, either a favourite savoury dish you know they enjoy making, like a stew or lasagne. Or reading your LO a story over Skype once a week so they feel involved in a different way?

If nothing helps, maybe try posting on Gransnet to get the other side of the story......Good luck!

ask them to bring you fruit instead if they must bring food

or grow some veggies in their garden and bring them, that would be a great food gift imo

If you physically can't stop yourself from eating all the food in your kitchen just because it is there then you need serious help, not a diet

I kind of agree with this and that's why I asked the question at the beginning. If the op and her husband are so bad that they cannot literally see junk food and not immediately stuff themselves with it, then I think the in laws cakes are the least of their problems and they need to seek proffesional help.

People with binge eating disorders and sugar addiction do not have to shove food in their mouths on immediate sight. It's ridiculous to suggest they do. They can time when they eat stuff. They can say no. There is a syndrome that makes people eat everything, I can't rember what it's called, but I doubt they have it.

So I suspect they say thanks for thr cakes, say how lovely they are, accept them happily into the home, and eat them at a leisurely pace because they want to, they keep what's left, because they want to. They then feel guilty and blame the in laws.

But I don't beleive for one moment the mere sight of cakes makes them eat them, they'd never get round the supermarket or down the high street if that was the case. They'd be licking the fucking windows.