AIBU - house guests bringing junk food

[crumbseverywhere]

I have a very sweet tooth and since the birth of DC2 8 months ago have struggled to control my diet. As a result I haven’t lost the baby weight so I am feeling pretty rubbish. This year my husband and I have vowed to be better and have stopped buying any biscuits/cake/junk Monday to Friday so the temptation isn’t there. My willpower is terrible when I’m at home all day with the DC. At the weekend we allow ourselves a small treat. It’s working as we are no longer craving sugar and I have already lost a few pounds.

My PIL live 150 miles away and visit once a month or so. Every time they come MIL brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc. Every time (for the last 2 years) we have been saying please don’t as we can’t eat it/don’t want it but it falls on deaf ears. As a result we end up eating far too much and throwing a lot away. A lot of it is quantity over quality that has been frozen and then defrosted.

This weekend gone they came to stay. In an email exchange the week before we were asked if we wanted anything, husband repeated NO and explained us trying to be good. This was acknowledged and even congratulated! But as usual they arrived with the bloody tins.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it. A lot will end up in the bin.

AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts? Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?
WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?

"Just not eating" evidently doesn't work for you, OP. I could go for several months without eating. It's easy. Others can do Maths, and find that easy too. We are all different. The bin is your salvation. Don't offend them. Afternoon tea with cake is evidently a "thing" for them (my auntie is the same. I accept, to be polite, but know that I will have to eat less later -because I am obsessive-).

Effing strikethrough fail. How do I strike through, people? I have tried hyphens and em-dashes...

MIL obviously gets great pleasure in baking for you both. Don't take her pleasure away.

But it's not even made for us half the time, it's leftovers. Also, I love to bake as I find it relaxing but have accepted I can't do it unless there is an event where I can offload it.

^^Agree, Crumbs. If I baked, I would eat the whole lot. So I don't bake, because I am obsessively thin. Though I am not sure this is any more healthy than being overweight. It's a skewed relationship with food, whichever way you look at it...

You are sending them mixed msgs by telling them not to bring sweets and then eating them.

Are they eating any cake themselves while they are there, as they know you don't buy them? If they don't eat it themselves, I would ask them as soon as they arrived whether they wanted them to go straight back in their car, or in the bin.

If they eat some at your house, ask when they leave. And do bin it.

Yes, it's food waste. But if they know it'll get binned, not eaten, they are more likely to stop bringing it, so much less waste over the long term.

As it stands, they are probably congratulations themselves about how you always eat their cakes as they are so irresistable, and think you demolish the lot. If you carry on binning it once they've gone, the cycle of food waste carries on.

Hmm. Having read your various updates, you don't suppose your MIL is bringing loads of cakes because "her evil daughter in law is depriving her poor skinny undernourished son of cake" do you?

In the past my ex-in-laws bought masses of treats and sweets for my children, usually for Christmas and Easter. Massive bags full. I gave it all away immediately the day after they had left, to the nursery, school etc. Nobody got offended and the children didn’t mind at all.

You sound ungrateful.

Sarah, that is beyond unhelpful (speaking as a former anorexic). OP struggles with willpower where food is concerned. It's the reverse of anorexic asceticism. If you can't see this, then go to another thread.

I find it so sad they won't support your efforts. I think you need to tell them how it makes you feel. Everyone gains when you are a healthy weight, you, the kids, eating habits are passed on, maybe explain you are trying to improve health and all the cakes are undoing that hard work. Have them look at change for life website- lots of info on how kids shouldn't have too much sugar there. If they don't get it ask them to postpone visit until they can listen so you can get in a routine, make some real progress which they will notice. Its a great thing you are doing.

Are they eating any cake themselves while they are there, as they know you don't buy them?

That's the ridiculous thing, MIL will then proclaim to be cutting back and not eat them! Prior to our new healthy eating I would always have something in for afternoon tea or a pudding at the weekend if we had guests so it's not that they would have gone without if they didn't bring it.

@HoleyBumoley sorry, but it’s the truth. No matter what your issues and concerns are there is no need to be ungrateful.
You can just accept the gifts and then take them to work, police/fire/ambulance station or maybe a neighbour and explain you have been gifted too much and wanted to share.
To be honest you have come accords as the type of person who looks to be offended.
Oh - you’re not the only one who has had eating disorders. Many of us have....

Sarah: eh? I am the last person to be offended by anything, and I'm a bit surprised that it has come across that way. I am in favour of the OP graciously thanking her MIL and surreptitiously binning the stuff, as some people find this easier than summoning up the willpower not to eat it. I find willpower easy. Others don't. "Thank you", followed by a binning, surely isn't harmful or ungrateful? It might not be ideal, but it solves the immediate problem...

My dps do this. They're very generous and will bring cakes, biscuits and chocolates My dh and I watch our weight but somehow we muster the self control not to eat anything or have a small portion. I offer them up to my dps though When they leave, I give what's leftover to my neighbours.

YANBU

Your family are being unsupportive not kind. They are offloading food they don't want and bringing extra. Definitely make it clearer that you have given up all treats until you are at your target weight and don't eat any while they are with you. It's hard, but let them eat some with their tea and ask them to take back the rest.

I was a heavy smoker and managed to give up, it was hard but not as hard as giving up sugary treats. With smoking or alcohol you can cut it out completely. No one offered me cigarettes and said, go on it's my birthday, a couple won't hurt, give up again tomorrow! With food, you have to eat it a few times a day every day and so you need even stronger willpower. Your family guilting you into eating their gifts 'made with love' is doubly hard. Once you eat them, it's even harder to stop again. I was brought up by my parents saying I must finish my food no matter what and to never waste any. It's so hard to throw away, best it's not brought in the first place.

I have zero willpower too. If it passes the threshold I will gobble it down and it wouldn't ever make it to work or elsewhere. Next time they're coming get your husband to say in advance that if they bring any with them you will be politely asking them to put it back in the car ready to take home again. When they arrive ask them to put it in the car! Explain that you know it's ridiculous but you have zero willpower and this is the only way.

So if they don't eat the cakes, there's no need to bring them. I think you need to be firmer about not accepting them into the house. It'll be wasteful this time if you have to bin them, but they are clearly taking the fact that you both eat the cakes as a victory.

I'd also be surprised at food banks etc accepting a load of cakes out of some random freezer after being pawed by god-knows-who at a bake sale. Don't they have rules about only accepting food that they can guarantee is safe? Taking it in to work where everyone knows you is one thing, but I'd be surprised if police security policies encouraged eating food brought in by random strangers.

When she asks what to bring, be specific. No cake, but a bottle of wine, some strawberries, grapes etc.
My MIL always wants to bring something.... and it's always a joint of beef for her precious son who is deprived as I don't eat or cook roast beef...

Yes of course they should not bring it. But given that you eat a lot of it they probably think you don't really mean it and are just being polite. Next time say 'thank you' then don't eat it. When they leave say ' thank you for bringin the treats but we are not eating cakes as we are dieting. Would you like to take them back or shall we pass them on to our neighbours who will love to have them' Repeat each visit.

I have a friend like this - she is a feeder and I have called her out on her food pushing and she has stopped thankfully! Because I was not enjoying her excessive food gifts but I love her company and love having her to stay - it's actually been a revelation to her, she had never realised she was a feeder - her kids eat less now too!

If they bring something I would use some of it for dessert after each meal that they are there. Don't offer it to them just serve it up. You can still have this little bit as your dessert that is your weekend treat and you will also be offloading some of it back on to them. They might also realise how annoying it is to be given something they've said they don't want to eat!!

When they leave give the tins back. As in as they are walking out the door put the tins in their hands before they realise what you've given them! Then if they try to refuse to take them back then say in a very polite and friendly way (or get DH to say!) 'Oh you must take them because we won't eat them and would have to throw them in the bin. And that would be a terrible waste!' Then shoo them out the door.

I honestly don't get all this just let them give lots of unwanted cakes - they like it. It's unwelcome and unwanted and they are bloody grown ups, a bit of straight forward honesty, again and again and again.
However there was a poster a few weeks ago who suggested that refusal was needed 3 times before finally accepting, so I would have a serious conversation face to face - explain that you are not being polite-refusing you are genuinely not wanting their cakes for the sake of your health and keep emphasising your health!

Give it away to friends, neighbours etc.

Accept the gift in the spirit it is given: smile, say “Thankyou very much” and then just don’t eat it. Please don’t put their cakes in the bin infront of them, because that’s just really rude and it’s bad mannered of you to even think of doing that. You are being unreasonable to blame their goodwill for your lack of will power.