AIBU - house guests bringing junk food

[crumbseverywhere]

I have a very sweet tooth and since the birth of DC2 8 months ago have struggled to control my diet. As a result I haven’t lost the baby weight so I am feeling pretty rubbish. This year my husband and I have vowed to be better and have stopped buying any biscuits/cake/junk Monday to Friday so the temptation isn’t there. My willpower is terrible when I’m at home all day with the DC. At the weekend we allow ourselves a small treat. It’s working as we are no longer craving sugar and I have already lost a few pounds.

My PIL live 150 miles away and visit once a month or so. Every time they come MIL brings tins of cakes made by herself or other extended family. I’m not talking something small for us to enjoy but 4+ tins of scones, sponges, cupcakes, shortbread etc. Every time (for the last 2 years) we have been saying please don’t as we can’t eat it/don’t want it but it falls on deaf ears. As a result we end up eating far too much and throwing a lot away. A lot of it is quantity over quality that has been frozen and then defrosted.

This weekend gone they came to stay. In an email exchange the week before we were asked if we wanted anything, husband repeated NO and explained us trying to be good. This was acknowledged and even congratulated! But as usual they arrived with the bloody tins.

My husband ate a lot, I ate too much and we both felt shit about it. A lot will end up in the bin.

AIBU in feeling pissed off that they won’t support our efforts? Should I stop blaming others for my lack of will power?
WIBU to make a scene of putting it all in the bin in front of them next time to make a point?! If so, how should I tackle this given that having a sensible conversation with them doesn’t work?

@crumbseverywhere I am writing from my own perspective as someone who has an eating disorder. I'm not saying you have one. I just know that being unable to control eating is much bigger than 'just say no.'

In terms of will power, it's a tough one because there is a feeling one either has it or doesn't. And when one gives in, one concludes, I don't have it!

However motivation is different, motivation is something you can work on, find things that will motivate you and work on it.

I did find mindfulness helped. Google mindful exercises and see what you find. The one I did was very simple, I've done it with a Malteser and another time with a raisin!

You eat a very small thing mindfully!

www.mbsrtraining.com/mindfully-eating-a-raisin-exercise/

People who over eat a lot possibly do not enjoy food in the way non-overeaters do! I know I am sometimes thinking of the next food and not enjoying the current one!

I also eat things I do not like nor enjoy. I know it sounds odd. But I bet I am not alone in doing that. Guilt and fear of offending people can lead us to eat things we do not want to eat.

You've made it very clear that these cakes and 'treats' are not special food made with loving care. But left overs that maybe your MIL, like so many of us, cannot bear to throw away.

When we eat food that we do not need simply because we cannot bear to bin it, we turn our own body into a human waste disposal unit!

I think you simply need to keep telling them 'No cakes'. Not we are being good or not good or trying to be good. Just "We are not eating cakes and baked goods at the moment."

They can come empty handed, it's OK. or they can bring flowers. But not cakes, they are not needed or welcome anymore. They were great, maybe for your skinny dh when he was first away from home, bu no longer.

Phew sorry, that's long, it's something important to me so I must stop whittering!

The minute they leave cover them in salt (the cakes ) and then you won’t eat them

Better in the food waste (assume you recycle your food) ?

They won’t listen frankly people like that never do

I’m very overweight but wouldn’t blame anyone but myself. If people arrive with lots of cakes etc I’d thank them but abstain. When they’ve gone either eat them or bin them.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE!

If you say you generally eat healthily and they only visit once a month then you must be eating huge amounts for it to make any difference.

If you say you have a small treat at the weekend anyway couldn’t you just have what they bring as your ‘treat’. A small piece of homemade cake/brownie for dessert on the Friday and Saturday they come is fine as part of a healthy balanced diet. Then just pack up whatever is left and they can take it home.

If it’s really too hard to resist eating so much of it then get DH to say something. But I think you would do better in the long run to try and work out why you feel the need to graze on it all weekend as by addressing this and changing it will make it easier for you to maintain a healthy diet.

I'm starting to get confused too, you say your husband is very slim, doesn't put on weight and exercises a lot. I'm not sure of why he has such a big issue with once a month cakes. He sounds healthy enough, why is he on a diet? I can see why his parents would be confused if their very slim son says he's on a diet.

Your OP makes zero sense when you add in the last response. You eat healthily but have a sweet tooth and have struggled to lose baby weight? Well which is it? You're no longer craving sugar but your MIL's cakes magically hop into your mouth until they are all gone? Which is it?

Littledinaco I meant that we eat a balanced diet it's just the sweet treats that were out of control. We don't eat takeaways or drink alcohol and our meals are all home cooked with plenty of fruit and veg. I'm not saying their visits are the sole problem, before we made the changes we were buying/making far too many biscuits/chocolate.

Bluntness we don't have a problem with once a month cakes it's the fact that they bring enough to feed an army for a week when we have explained we don't want that sort of food in the house. Something small to enjoy, great. Just because my husband is slim doesn't mean he is particularly healthy. He doesn't want to loose weight just feels better when he eats well and exercise regularly.

how many times have you asked them, clearly, unambiguously, please do NOT bring these cakes? If more than once, you are really, really not BU in politely refusing to accept the tins. "Oh, thank you, but no. We're not eating cakes and biscuits right now, diet going very well and we're feeling much better for it. Please do take them back with you and give them to someone who will want them."

Can you do this?

Further hint: you take the tins off them, walk back down the garden path, and put them in the car. You don't bin them. You politely, but firmly, return them.

Can you do that?

So let me get this straight these cakes have been left over from the church fete taking back to hers and frozen then thawed out and brought over to you
I think she's just palming them off on to you because she doesn't want to throw them away
Like you're some sort of human dustbin

I would bin them right in front of them, it might be a waste but hopefully she will never bring cake again

As long as you keep eating it, they'll keep bringing it.

. I also feel it’s a bit off unloading them onto DH’s colleagues. I wouldn’t appreciate it if I worked in an office.

All the offices I’ve worked in have,been thrilled with cake offerings!!

My MIL is lovely. She brings excessive cake whenever she visits despite requests to not bring cake. Well, she did until SIL pointed out to me that MIL cannot arrive empty handed. She simply cannot do it.

So I developed a thing for gardening, house plants, etc. Now she brings me plants, cuttings, etc. If they don't survive then she doesn't mind, especially if we have a good old rambling chat about why not.

Divert her!

My SIL gets MIL to "bring some salads" to avoid excess cake. And she always makes sure she has some cake to feed PILs because they must have dessert or it isn't civilised. Doesn't mean we all have to stuff it down too.

So the MIL is passing unwanted cake from elsewhere, that she doesn't want, onto the OP, who doesn't want it either. It's all very well saying that it's polite to take a gift when visiting, but quantities need to be proportionate. The OP would have the same issue if they brought huge amounts of toys or clothes for the DCs. There really can be too much of a good thing.

Sounds like the MIL needs to stop taking it home from the bake sales and if there are too many leftovers from there, they need to stop asking for so many donations.

Not every area offers food recycling services so that can't be relied on as an option and efforts should be put into reducing waste first, rather than seeing recycling as a solution.

I think you are right about your 3 options. They could easily be combined. I suspect your MIL isn't capable of coming empty handed, so I think that part of your approach could be assigning her something that works for you, like fruit. This is how she shows love, so tell her how to bring something without it being a bad thing for you.

I have a lot of issues with food because I was abused as a child, including having food withheld. So as an adult I became morbidly obese. I've had A LOT of therapy, and now I'm very close to a healthy weight. One of the things that I learned in therapy which helped me achieve a much healthier weight and a lot more peace with food is to control my environment. Or to put that another way, to not have junk in the house. People who say that YABU really don't understand the advice you would be getting from a therapist!

My local food bank only accepts prepared foods that were prepared in commercial kitchens due to food safety issues. My local fire brigade, on the other hand, was quite happy to eat cake when my DD went through a cake decorating phase.

Give it to your friends. And don't eat any in front of your p'n'law - you are reinforcing with them you do really want these if you say don't bring them but then eat them infant of them.

I don’t understand how it’s such an overwhelming drama.

You say you guys have a sweet treat once a week on the weekend. Your PIL come once a month on a weekend bearing sweet treats. No need to email them beforehand with the story of your lives, carry on, run it to neighbours in front of them or bin it. Eat one item as your sweet treat for that weekend. Take the leftovers to work on Monday. How difficult is it?

I have had leftovers at every workplace I’ve been at during my working life - left over birthday cake, baking, short dated product about to expire etc. Everything always gets eaten.

I sympathise OP. I have zero control in cake-type situations and the only thing that works for me is just not having anything like that in the house. If I was you, I would dump the whole lot in the bin after they left and then dump old coffee grinds, vegetable peelings or anything else that would make the cakes unretrievable on top.

Re the office, I really think it depends on the workplace but homebaked treats always go down very well at mine. I always enjoy them when I've been to the gym and the lunch I've brought/bought was slightly on the stingy side!

Obv if it's full of people trying to diet or a very small workplace it may be different. To the people saying you don't need cake- well no, but most people eat treats for mental health and enjoyment, not because they need it for nutritional purposes. Sure you can live on quinoa and turkey meatballs but there's not that much joy in eating that way 100% of the time. I think eating well and sustainably is about finding this balance, not cutting out all sugar.

Find the homeless shelter in your area and ask whether you can donate the cakes?

Eat one item as your sweet treat for that weekend. Take the leftovers to work on Monday. How difficult is it?

LOL. I would have the one item. Then I would convince myself I didn't really like that one and I've cheated myself so I should have one of the other cakes. Then I would just have one more. Then I'd have another. Then I'd take two because that way they would really really be my last, but then on the last bite I'd change my mind, because after all it wasn't me who bought them and I could just not eat anything tomorrow. There would be about half a tin left by the time I got to work and even then I'd have a bit more than everyone else because after all, I brought them in.

Then, to cap it all off the starchy sugar rush that I'd get from a whole evening and morning cramming cakes in my face would leave me licking bakery windows for the rest of the week.

The OP knows her willpower is shit. It takes willpower not to buy sweet things, and to keep them out of the house. If someone gives them to you, brings them into your house, your sneaky sugar addict brain comes up with all sorts of reasons why it's OK to eat "just one" .

Maybe they just really like to bring a present with them, could you suggest a big bag of fruit would be really appreciated instead of cake?

We had a similar problem. More around the kids eating it, though neither husband or me needed feeding up.

We asked nicely, and then we binned it. Mil did stop bringing so much crap over once she realised it was actually getting binned.

You are not a dustbin. If you can’t find willing takers then sadly you need to chuck it. My whole childhood I remember my mother “finishing food off” before starting the diet. Do not put yourself through it. You struggle with your willpower. No one would think it was ok for them to bring alcohol if you had a problem with that. Sorry but the health risks of obesity are just as real.