Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

I havent read the full thread, my head doesnt work well this early in the day but im very familiar with anxiety and depression and my partner is too.

Slightly different scenario with my partner went away last year to attend my nieces wedding, his anxiety was too high so he used his "pass", he slept, room service and chilled while i attended wedding.

He was relieved he didnt have to face anyone as he was ill (he has various conditions so it could have been any of them) he sent a txt to the bride with his love and it was totally ok in our case for him not to go and that was family (my side admittedly) and they knew in advance that there was a good chance that we might be in hotel but not at wedding or only at bits (complex reasons)

It is ok for you not to attend, as a pp has said be ill on the day if needed or pref "d+v a day or 2 thats ongoing" before so that if its a sit down meal they will be able to count you out of the headcount so not paying for a meal, no one will question d+v

The wedding can go ahead without you, you dont need to make yourself ill over it. I speak too as someone who booked a holiday because i didnt want to go to a wedding. I knew the wedding was going to be trouble filled and it was, it had to be broken up by police so instead i enjoyed relaxing holiday which i couldnt do both with the timing of the wedding

Hand hold and a hug, be kind to yourself

I am really sorry your so upset but whatever Sally did in the first instance that upset you has a huge bearing on what then panned out. So I don't feel as if I have any kind of true picture of the situation.

Hi Dexy, just popping in to say, I'm with you, you've done the right thing.
Sometimes needs must, and your mental health is paramount, well done.⭐️
I think you did indeed, rate your friend more highly, than she deserved. A true friend would have heard you out, would have been upset, knowing you were so upset, would have taken time to think, , but bounced back later. I say a very big 'Jog on Sally'!
You sound lovely Dexy, one day you'll see this, for what it is, a waste of your time and energy. Anxiety is the pits.
Much love, I wish you were my friend 🙋🏼🌸

The wedding can go ahead without you

Yes, absolutely the wedding can go on without Dexy, it's only one day after all.

It's whether or not the friendship can go on after her non-attendance.

As per my PP, I'm not saying Dexy is unreasonable in not going. But she is risking a second friendship by doing so.

It does seem as if she is willing to do that, though. Which is so incredibly sad.

Well done Dexy that was really brave of you. I bet you feel so relieved now, don’t you? Perhaps you and Jane can do something nice together to celebrate the wedding, maybe with your DHs too. Now you need to concentrate on getting some decent therapy

Thank you @sugar. That has me in bits. Going to go to work today so apologies for not responding to everyone since last night. I will try to do so later.

I am sorry for being opaque about the reasons for our falling out. I have been told, and believe, that neither of us did anything wrong in the situation and that i need to try to accept that and move on. I don't want to rehash it and was / am trying to keep my AIBU about Jane's wedding.

It has given me an enormous lift to know people generally agree i shouldn't go, whether for my own ir the bride's sake. Thank you.

It's a shame you don't feel able to go, OP. Do you feel you might be blowing this up out of all proportion? 'Sally' is now a huge, enormous loss/hole in your life, associated with all sorts of dire memories (being left in a big city, the original argument, crying for a whole weekend, your heightened emotions over engagement... etc etc etc)

The wedding could have been a helpful exercise in facing up to this problem - and hopefully seeing that it is in fact a huge problem only in your head. You said that 'Sally' thinks 'fuck this drama' and so she has probably 'got over it' and moved on long ago. She is probably not thinking anything about you other than being a face from the past.

Even if you just go for the ceremony, or just for the evening for an hour. See her, pass on your good wishes to bride, retreat to process.

As gently as possible - no one else in this scenario is going to be anywhere near as involved in this as you.

Hi OP, I am speaking from personal experience of VERY similar experiences. I went to the 'THE WEDDING' and to be honest, in my case, it caused me more pain and left me with more crap and churned up feelings to sort out. If I could turn back the clock I would have put my self and my own emotional safety above my concerns about everyone else. If they care about you and you explain why they should understand. It may well be different for you for but it could go the other way. No one is worth that and no social event is worth that. Look after yourself. x

She left you alone (in a house/safe space) because you'd had a disagreement in her home and were crying a lot.

That (as you acknowledged) WAS her prerogative. I'd have done the same tbh, but I can't abide fuss or drama.

Your friend has invited you to her wedding, because we assume, she wants you there.

She has also invited Sally.

Sally - who up till now HAS avoided you and has NOT accepted any form of olive branch - knows you will be there and STILL has agreed to come.

If you have any notion of getting over this spat, NOW is the time to do it. Sally is making steps towards being in the same room as you. she is perhaps setting aside this issue with you because she places her friendship with Jane higher than this thing with you.

If I were Jane and you bailed out of this wedding, I TOO would give up on you as I would feel that you had made MY wedding all about your issues with Sally.

You ARE going to lose Jane too if you let her down on her wedding day.

It's been 3 years. You don't think you did anything wrong, yet you have apologised but she has chosen to keep herself to herself. I'd love to hear her side of things.

I agree with Flapp you need to be the bigger person, understand that people WON'T just blithely accept unfounded hysterics, which all of this most definitely IS now.

You do need therapy, but you also need to understand what therapy does and doesn't do.

The counsellor listens and helps you put things into perspective. Stops you blowing things out of all proportion, which is what appears to have happened over the last few years. You've developed this into a kind of phobia.

Therapy doesn't tell you what to do, it helps you organise thoughts. YOU are the one to decide what you do and don't do.

For example:

YOU CAN decide that this situation is no longer as painful as it was
YOU CAN decide that Sally took a decision to put herself and her OH first - as YOU yourself would do
YOU CAN decide it was not meant as a personal attack on you

You need to let this go now, it's been long enough and there is no benefit to you to allow yourself this irrational hysteria.

YOU CAN decide to set this all aside because Jane is important to you and you can't let her down.

YOU are the only one with the power in your life, at the moment you are using this power AGAINST yourself.

OP, you have just done to Jane exactly what Sally did to you.

You have made a decision that is right for you but hurtful to Jane.

I see that Milk. I am not going to cut anyone out though. X

I just sent a PM.

R2G
The therapist, who I saw used EFT as well as hypnosis. I do agree EFT is a very calming and powerful tool.

Hissy
For some, it isn’t just possible to just get over things unfortunately. Definitely not possible for a highly sensitive person. After 3/4 years of therapy, I can now finally be in the same room with my mother without her affecting me too deeply. I have read that HSP’s feel 10 times deeper than those, who are not HSP’s so I appreciate it is difficult for you to understand. With that in mind, I’m trying not to get upset at the lack of understanding in your post and acknowledge your interpretation is very similar to that of Sally. Op isn’t trying to create a drama. She’s trying to avoid one. Unfortunately as illustrated in your post, she’s potentially doomed from creating one whether she goes or not.

It's your choice not to attend, but I think it's a bit off that you've now involved the bride's mother in the drama, rather than speak to Jane directly. Unfortunately I think this may be the end of the friendship with Jane, especially as it will seem to her that not only could you not put your feelings aside to attend something important to her, but you also couldn't even tell her yourself.

I hope you get the help you need so you don't drive any more friends away, it must be a very difficult way to live.

I see that you have now spoken to Jane's mother and given your apologies.
Use this time to get some different therapy - maybe EMDR? My sister had this having spent months and months in tears over her DH's bombshell and trouble at work. The therapist treated her as if she had PTSD, which may be your situation - a kind of 'shellshock' at the thought of Sally.
Please take heed ofhissy and take back your power.

If you were physically unwell and couldn’t go you wouldn’t worry about it. It seems to be different with mental health problems. We think people won’t understand but if you explain to Jane I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Your health is more important than going to a wedding.
I didn’t go to a wedding but didn’t explain why which upset the bride. She does know now why I didn’t go and is understanding. I wish I had told her at the time as we were not talking for a couple of years because of it.

And if Jane reacts the same way to your decision as you reacted to Sally's? How will you feel then?

You have made Jane's wedding all about you and involved her mum. I really think that is going to be the end of your friendship with Jane and I think you need to prepare yourself for that.

You need to find a therapy that works for you - really research the different ones available and put your all in to it.

Your strong reaction to what Sally said/did sounds much more like the reaction of a child or adult child, whose close family or parents have acted in ways that make you feel abandoned. If you look back now could you say that your reaction to her decision triggered feelings from childhood?

If this is the case, I think you probably need to do deeper work than CBT especially as you indicate you’ve seen several therapists and think they did CBT with you. This is just my opinion based on my personal experience having tried CBT. CBT deals with the present and doesn’t address complex mental health conditions, childhood trauma, or problems in family structure.

I came to say this really. If you've been having therapy for 17 years and you're still in this state, the type of therapy you've been having is not working for you.

I have found CBT to be moderately helpful - it's generally focused on controlling and managing symptoms rather than getting to the bottom of them and addressing the causes.

By the sounds of it you need to go through your whole childhood and early life and work through hurts, traumas, abandonments. Looking into the roots of your depression and anxiety and grief, as well as ways to manage them.

I have to be honest OP, I think Sally is entitled to say she can't cope with you. No-one is obliged to be friends with people whose issues they find too much. I was ill when I was younger, some people could cope with it and some chose not to. I acknowledged their right not to be involved and I understood. When you're ill it's to better grateful for the people who choose to stay and accept the choice of those who don't, rather being angry and upset about it continually.

I feel there is a bit of denial from you about the impact of your issues on other people. If you were honest with yourself you might acknowledge that it may be hard for others, thus could better understand Sally's choice rather than being permanently hurt by it. Who is to say that you could cope with yourself as a friend? You might actually feel like Sally does.

I think it's right not to go to the wedding as it's causing this much upset, but use these events to call zero summer on these mental health issues. You can progress with the right help.

empireville from a previous post Sally does not sound like a very nice person, nor a good friend

So clearly some people do think Sally is a bad person.

We have no idea whether or not Sally is a bad person because we don't know what she did. It doesn't sound as though she is, because even OP says she had the right to make the decision she made.

As a PP pointed out, this is exactly what OP is doing now - making a decision that's in her own interests, but will be hurtful to Jane.

I don't think that makes OP a bad person, but if I were Jane I'd be considering the friendship. I'm sure the decision not to go isn't malicious. But I would wonder....if this person is so sensitive that they can't put on a brave face for a few hours, for my wedding, because someone they fell out with three years ago is going to be in the same (presumably large) room, then

I don't think I could cope with OP myself either. I'm not suggesting her feelings aren't real or that there's anything malicious in this. But from Jane's perspective, she's getting married and a friend is choosing not to go - because she can't cope with being in the same (presumably large) room as someone she fell out with three years ago. I might well decide that this was more drama than I was able to cope with. OP can decide she can't cope with the wedding, and Jane could decide that she can't cope with OP.

Like Sally.

I don't know if going through the MoB was the right thing to do, but once OP decided she wasn't going to go, there was no way to do it without causing Jane upset. I guess this way was no worse than any other and it offers Jane some protection.

Oh bugger, I fucked up that post. Hopefully you can see what I meant. We need a bigger text box.

Gosh OP. I really think you need to get help for this. You will hurt Jane here. You need to look after yourself but this is not a healthy way to live.

Morning! Glad this isn’t hanging over you anymore. I think now you can take a deep breath and just think about tacking your anxiety.

Do you have money to look into getting therapy privately? Or maybe a health work benefit?

PP said it before perfectly by saying you can only use the tools you have and you just need more tools.

OP, I know you say that you realise that your reactions and behavior are not normal, but I think you are still minimising. You say things about it being normal to not be able to control tears and all the rest, but it's not.

I think Jane has been a very good friend to you by continuing to support you after your very dramatic bust up with Sally and you are danger of losing her friendship as well by not going to her wedding because of an argument several years ago. Sally did nothing to you but you are still this obsessed with it years later. Jane won't react in the same way but I think it will probably take the last of her patience.

Those who PM'd me, i have responded.

@Middle. I have excellent PMI at work but have never used it for counseling as i fear it would not be truly confidetial. I understand they have a duty / right to tell work about things that might impact your work and so ive always paid myself (which was v pricey) or done NHS. (If relevant i work in a regulated sector with high stress / high risk so i do feel there's a risk they would tell my employer).