Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

[HorseDentist]

Dexy. Two of my closest friends fell out. Terrible animosity between them and a lot of hurt for both parties. Being the friend on the middle was so hard for me and for many years I had to juggle social occasions to keep the balance between them.
One day I had a party and both came. After ten minutes of sour faces someone cracked a joke and everything just fell back into place. Both of them were incredibly brave to put everything aside. They each suffered from anxiety over the situation and somehow a ridiculous joke was enough to break down the barriers.
What I’m trying to say is don’t give up hope that it is not salvageable. She may be as equally nervous about the situation. Go and support your friend on her wedding day.

[DexyMidnight]

@Jassmells: everyone has said much the same as you, and i hear you all loud and clear. I just know i will cry though and while i HOPE i can sob in the loos and not cause a scene I hate the idea of anyone (let alone the bride) seeing me like that and it spoiling any part of anyone's day.

[DexyMidnight]

Thank you @HorseDentist. I am glad it worked out for your group.

[Merryoldgoat]

Fair enough Dexy but I maintain that without more info it's tricky.

If it's 'I stayed with her for the weekend and she told me she'd slept with my DH and had his baby' then sure, I'd probably have reacted badly too and wouldn't see her.

If it's more 'we'd said we'd go to museum a but at the last minute she decided she didn't want to and she wanted to go to museum b' then obviously it's an over-reaction.

Personally I think this sounds a bit ott with the scant information given. But don't go to the wedding if you aren't able to cope - it won't be good for anyone including yourself.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Ok so I have never given this advice before, because it is totally not my style or way of behaving. But I actually think you should throw a sickie. It's too late to bring the bride into the situation and sounds like it's too late for you to find a way through it. Smile, nod, pretend everything is normal, then have a convenient stomach bug on the day. It's the only way I can see to avoid the situation without making it 'all about you' for the bride, which I know you don't want.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Look, worst case on the day you don’t go, pull a sickie or something. You don’t have to make a decision today.

I think you won’t know your answer unless you look at the root and see that you are also being hard on yourself.

In CBT there’s a thing I was taught about useful thoughts and unuseful thoughts where the bad thoughts, you look at them and see why they are there (anxiety comes from fight/flight/freeze and our bodies preparing us from a threat) and what it is trying to warn us about. You also look at if it’s a thought you can do anything about, any prep?

I think you have two separate worries. One which is the past haunting you and the other is that you’ll make a scene at the wedding.

The past, you can’t change. You can only reflect on it. Is it useful?

The worrying about crying. The worry is that it will be embarrassing and may damage a friendship. I would google that specific issue and see what methods there are for worrying about crying in front of people and relaxing emotional triggers. Maybe look at handing a snap band (hair band or and elastic band) on your wrist that you snap when you feel the beginning of the trigger. That works for some. It can change your focus and the sensation is awakening.

You have time to test these methods.

Breathing, I’m shit and mindfulness and all that. I always stay conscious, judge if I’m breathing wrong etc. But my CBT guy told me that if you regulate your breathing, same amount of counts in as out, it in turn regulates your heartbeat which eases the fight/flight reaction. It doesn’t matter if it’s through your mouth or nose and you can set your own count.

Just try some things a few times over the coming weeks. See if anything helps.

Afraid I’m off to bed now but will be about tomorrow.

And as HorseDentist said, despite everything it could be fine.

[DexyMidnight]

Thanks Lonny yes this is sort of what i'm thinking. Although i think she deserves the truth - when she's back from her honeymoon. Or do you think i should throw a sickie and just keep up the lie?

[DexyMidnight]

Thank you @Middle. Sleep well.

[Merryoldgoat]

Do you honestly think she wouldn't know why you didn't turn up?

Tell her if you aren't going so she can prepare for it. I'd be really upset if a good friend didn't feel like they could be honest. She's probably half expecting it.

[scottishdiem]

Dont go. Seriously. Phone a day before to say you or someone is ill or something.

Its clear you need a lot of support to deal with this issue or maybe even to just accept that you cannot ever get over what happened and try to manage it that way.

Mental health problems are hard for other people to understand and it will be hard for others to see where this issue is about Sally and what she said/did and where the issue is about you and your mental health. I mean, its unlikely what she did is all that bad when considered in isolation but how it is then bound up in who you are and how you react makes it very problematic. And people wont understand.

If thinking about her makes you cry, you cant go.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I wouldn't tell her afterwards, no. Least said, soonest mended.

[DexyMidnight]

i am not sure @Merry, as i said upthread unless she is incredibly intuitive and very discrete i am not sure she knows how badly i feel about all this. Also when she told me Sally was coming i said "oh can she make it after all that's nice" and changed the subject.

[DexyMidnight]

Thank you Vonny. And everyone for opinions and advice. I can't tell you how much better it feels to know people (tend to) think i would be best if i wouldn't go. I expected a kicking. M

[DexyMidnight]

*Maybe i was looking for one. I do feel awful about what i'm doing.

[SwanVests]

Would you consider reaching out to Sally again before the wedding? I know you said you’ve tried before but unless you at least attempt to clear the air then I really can’t see how you can attend the wedding.

Do you think Sally is still upset with you? I’m really struggling to think of what could have happened that would upset someone so much to the point of crying. Was it somehow something that was happening to her and by crying she perceived it as you making it about you instead? If it was tbh I’ve been in the same boat with a friend and I haven’t seen her since. It was a time when she came to stay with me to offer me support and decided that what was happening to me was in fact really upsetting her and spent about 48 hours welling up, doing big dramatic sighs everytime she looked at me. It was the last thing I needed at the time and I realised that throughout our friendship she’d always managed to turn everything round to being about her. But if she contacted me now, several years later I think I could certainly be friendly to her for a day. I couldn’t be her friend again though.

[EmpireVille]

Don't you think it's strange that Jane hasn't told you herself that Sally is attending the wedding, given she knows the situation?

Anyway, this jumped out at me:

Sally felt it had all been a hysterical overreaction on my part, essentially said she didn't need that drama in her life, and well...that's what happened.

My guess here is that Sally doesn't hold any animosity towards you (especially if she was the one who did the upsetting thing, whatever it was - is it really so unique that it would out you?) It can sometimes just be more trouble than it's worth to have emotionally-draining people in your life. Sounds like she cut you loose because you weren't worth the drama anymore. I'm sorry that is so harsh, but it happens. I don't think you need to fear any tension or a scene on her part. An awkward "hello" probably and then move to opposite sides of the room and stay there.

But then that's how most people would handle it. It's clear from your posts that you are irrationally upset and mentally unwell at the moment. I'm sorry you are suffering. Because of this, and if you really don't trust yourself to behave properly at the event (ie.no crying) you need to bow out.

Bear in mind though that your absence may in itself be a talking point and draw attention to the very situation you are trying to hide from.

Nobody on here can possibly help you. Talk to your husband. Talk to Jane. I had an newly-sober alcoholic relative bow out of my wedding the day before because they didn't want to be around drink. I was disappointed but I accepted it because I realised they had to put their mental health first - and I definitely didn't want a drunken scene on my wedding day!! Jane will feel the same way.

[Sunflowersforever]

Hmmm. My tuppence worth is that the time before a wedding can be very very stressful for even the most composed bride, so starting a conversation about this might not be the best thing to do and could make it seem 'all about you' IYSWIM. While this sounds incredibly stressful for you, I think you'll have to sit on that stress away from Jane and, as others have suggested, either throw a sickie on the day so it's no fuss, or find the strength to go. By the sounds of it, your nerves on the day will make you so sick you can't go, so no lie involved

[Lalliella]

If you throw a sickie at the last minute and pull out, it will most likely cost Jane a lot of money. If she finds out you lied about it, she may blame you and fall out with you. Please don’t do that. Please be honest with Jane.

If I was Jane I would want to know about your problem with Sally and I’d want to try to resolve it. I’d want to get the 2 of you together to talk. Do you think you could do that? Meet her before the wedding? With Jane. Get all your crying out of the way?

And please seek a different therapist OP. If they use silences as a method and it doesn’t work for you then it’s not appropriate for them to carry on with that technique. You need to try something different.

[DexyMidnight]

A few points @Empire.

Jane did tell me herself that Sally was coming. Sorry i was just trying to keep it brief in OP and i didn't want any suggestion that i now knew because i had been fishing for info or anything, far from it. I knew we would both be invited and we were, and i never asked Jane whether Sally was coming, that was information she volunteered originally, and she also volunteered the information that Sally can now come. I suspect because she felt i should know in advance.

You are totally right that she would just say "hi" and then we'd dodge each other. I know she wouldn't cause a scene or be snide or roll eyes or give me evils, i know that 100%. I still can't bear to see her.

I also know that my absence may be conspicuous. A friend said "but aren't you worried that Jane will tell Sally you didn't come because she (Sally) was going to be there, wouldn't that be humiliating" etc (in a 'come on, shake yourself out of this' way) and i just felt....numb. No. I don't care if they print it on the order of service that Dexy is not here because she doesn't want to see Sally. I just don't want to see her.

[DexyMidnight]

@Swan. I tried to reach out twice, but to no avail. I also sent her a text on her 30th bday and her wedding day, but they were not acknowledged (and needless to say, not reciprocated). Although i only reached out twice (gently, just "hi can we please talk, i would like to apologise" messages) she asked me not to contact her again and she was done. So I'm afraid not .

I don't think Sally is actually upset with me i think she just felt i had spoiled the weekend and thought 'fuck this drama'.

Neither of us 'did' anything to the other, she took a decision that was hurtful to me (she acknowledged this) but it was one she was entitled to make and one that was best for her (and i acknowledged that). Unfortunately i cried and it ruined the weekend.

I hear what you're saying but no, it wasn't the situation you describe x

[DexyMidnight]

Sunflowers, thanks yes. Agree. I would never tell her any of this in the run-up to her wedding that would be unforgivable. I will have to do as you say: go quietly or make an excuse.

[DexyMidnight]

Lalliella: i do feel bad about the money, for sure. But i feel worse about not being strong enough to do this for my friend. And she is a good friend. I thought about sending the bridesmaid £250 to put behind the bar towards the tab, what do you think? The money will still have been wasted but we will have paid our way, so to speak.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Why does it upset you to the point of bursting into tears if you see her? Is it because it brings back the original incident or because of the loss of a good friendship that makes you so sad?

[DexyMidnight]

@Bahhhh yes, it was a horrible weekend. I was visiting her overseas and staying with her when it happened so to have an argument in those circumstances made me feel very vulnerable (and jet-lagged). I had also just gotten engaged and was, i think, just hyper emotional at the time. She did not handle it very well either, in my defence. I was a wreck and she and her (then) fiance said it was their weekend too and if i couldn't stop crying they were going out. So i was left alone in a foreign city. It wasn't a good weekend for anyone .

And yes, i loved her. As you do with friends. i miss her still, even though i now see she wasn't perhaps worthy of the pedestal i held her on.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

So both reasons really. I once fell out with one of two workmates l went on holiday with and the other one sat on the fence/took easiest route by leaning towards her side as she was the fieriest character of two of us so lost her friendship aswell really. Then the bolshy one approached me at work to say they were booking next year and she was inviting me but followed with 'But no moods please, I don't do moody'. I told her l wasn't interested in no uncertain terms in her 'kind' offer. It had been an argument over extra baggage charge and she had been totally in the wrong and even the other friend admitted as much.