Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

All the people sending PMs are no doubt saying you're right not go, and long-term consequences be damned.

I can see why you'd listen to them, as it's certainly the easy way out.

This thread has made me think a lot about resilience, and how it can be instilled. I think it's a quality that more and more people seem to be lacking, with anxiety and depression on a huge rise as a result.

I have to say I agree that by sending out the full story via PM to those who sympathise you are merely adding to your view that you are the victim and were right in your response. All those who have said you were right as well presumably want to protect you as well. Merely reinforcing the view you have created

This is the MN version of Facebook attention seeking drama queen
"Soooooo sad 😢 "
"What's up hun"
"Can't say 😢😢"
"Awww hun pm me"
"I know who my friends are now 😡"
Blah blah blah bollocks...

I'm not surprised Sally walked away tbh!

Why on earth can you divulge the gory details by pm but not on here? Sheer and utter attention seeking; all of it.

^

This.

I agree 100% with AnElderlyLady, DowagerCuntess, Quartz and MilkTwoSugars. Especially about the echo chamber of sympathy, the ratcheting up of the drama at every opportunity, and the learned helplessness where you refuse to exercise any degree of agency and control in your circumstances. You can't control what others do, but you can control your response.

This sort of thing won't be a one off when that's your attitude towards everything and you'll be lucky to have any friends left.

I'm perplexed by posters denigrating Sally for not 'giving OP closure' or 'letting her be heard'. They had an argument and Sally apparently couldn't get away from 'hearing' OP one way or another. OP needs to achieve personal closure over this - why is that Sally's responsibility?

Maybe Sally herself has MH issues that would be aggravated by putting herself through yet more of this?

The problem, OP, is that you need to do the work on you. It's nobody else's responsibility and they wouldn't be able to do it for you anyway - only you can. And as long as you're obsessing over a woman you haven't spoken to for three years and the 'dominance' you've decided she's got, this is going to be your life.

And you don't look happy.

You need to talk to Jane and tell her you’re not coming because of your MH issues, and be honest that Sally plays a part. Sally does have a role in making this situation happen, she has cut you off without allowing you to get closure.

My God, what terrible advice. If you absolutely must tell Jane, just tell her you're having a MH crisis and can't cope at the moment. Don't regurgitate all the Sally drama, trying to deflect the blame of your decision on to her, making the wedding about you and your inability to achieve your own closure after a fight that happened three years ago.

Why in the hell is Sally responsible for OP 'getting closure'?

Shunning Jane's wedding isn't great, but if you top the shit sundae with this blame deflection, drama, whinging and self obsession (which is what this would be), it would become totally unforgivable.

Sally does have a role in making this situation happen, she has cut you off without allowing you to get closure

No she hasn't. Nobody owes you closure.
The more I read the more I feel sorry for Sally and Jane.

I think if you don’t go you are setting yourself up as the person who will be excluded in the future . You are obviously a much more sensitive person than Sally which can’t be helped but she is also allowed to not to want to have to deal with drama . I’d try and learn to not give a fuck as much , I had a similar situation in the past and I steeped myself to the point I acted like I didn’t care and there was no drama at the event , you can’t make people love you .

Corrected to steeled myself

Actually - I feel a bit sorry for Sally. She made a decision which was hers to make, but 'hurt you greatly'. You then cry all weekend - I think I'm an empathetic being, but I'd get VERY quickly sick of someone crying all weekend over something that is NOT HER DECISION TO MAKE and I'd leave you to it too. And I think I'd probably cut you off too - in your words, 'fuck this shit'.

Sally is now going to Jane's wedding - and why wouldn't she? Sally is not thinking of you at all (why would she) and has NO intention of, or interest in speaking to you, interacting with you, being in the same area as you. You are nothing to her - she is NOT the 'bigger person', she doesn't want or need to consider you at all. She is just someone attending a wedding of her friend.

You have made her the BIG BADDY who has so much power over your MH. This will not go away just because you don't go to your Friend's wedding. Only you can make it go away - by standing up to it.

I am going to follow my gut and the majority view. - i think you'll find that the majority view is that you face this 'huge' thing down, and go, for your friend, and for you. Yes it's hard. Really hard. But even if you go just for an hour... your flights are booked, the present is bought, all it needs now is you.

I wonder if the people who've been moved to PM Dexy to reassure her she's doing the right thing have also had fallings out with friends, and know how much they, themselves, would do anything to avoid facing those same people in a public/social situation. No doubt some mutual validation of the easy option going on.

Other people reading the thread will perhaps identify more with Jane, and think about how they'd feel if a friend prioritised a three-year old drama over their wedding day. And yet others will sympathise with Sally, understanding how tempting it can be to just cut high maintenance friends from their lives - not least for their own mental health and wellbeing.

Would you go to Jane's funeral if Sally was going to be there?

Because I know I'd be more concerned about someone attending my wedding (where I'd be aware you were coming) than my funeral (where I'd be blissfully unaware) but I have an inkling you'd be the other way round, where your histrionics would be indulged.

Dowager - I have cut people out. There is always a good reason, and I have no regrets. I still see some of those people in a work setting, or a social occasion. It doesn't bother me; I think of my invisible 'shield' and avoid being too close to them.

I have anxiety. And I would def go to my friend's wedding - if friend wants me there, it's the least I can do.

But I haven't PMed OP. I agree she needs some strategies to cope wit this and other difficult situations.

If Sally can put aside your differences and support her friend on her wedding day then so can you. The day is about Jane, not you or Sally. Not going to the wedding will be the beginning of the end for your friendship with Jane.

Merryoldgoat tbf if you burst into tears during a funeral or wake it’s not really an issue

But there's no reason for op to be breaking down in floods at the wedding either, MiddleClass... She hasn't seen this woman for three years, and by the sound of things Sally will try to stay on the opposite side of every room op finds herself in (so would I).
Where's the drama?

Middleclass - of course.

But I suppose I'm saying she'd 'cope' with seeing Sally then because it suits her and her drama (if she decided to go) even though you could be sure the wedding would be more important to Jane.

I don’t think you understand me or anxiety. One of the OP’s main worries is causing a scene by bursting into tears. If it were a funeral, that wouldn’t be an issue.

When you have anxiety it’s very common to be concerned about a situation that could cause judgement and embarrassment. I had a few. Fainting in public and public panick attacks made me agoraphobic. Doing a reading at a wedding was when I managed to really get a handle of it as I had a great CBT guy who gave me the tools.

Btw as you can see from my earlier posts I’ve really hoped OP would test out some techniques that might mean she can go. I think it’s a shame she hasn’t tried but glad she can sleep at night. She shouldn’t let it lie though and must act on her mental health whilst it’s still fresh.

Bursting into tears appears to be one fear, but several of OP's posts talks about just not wanting to see Sally, crying for days about the thought of seeing her etc so to me it's more about a reluctance to face her fears or admit her limiting behaviour is actually inappropriate and attention seeking rather than being worried about crying on the day.

I know a little about anxiety but not lots, I'll admit. But I know nothing gets better if you ignore it and don't try to help yourself.

op I think you need to properly take a look at yourself here. I had a friend like you and she was funny and kind but she also blew everything up into a drama and obsessed about her own feelings constantly (whilst saying the 'right things' about others feelings). We're no longer friends because it was utterly utterly exhausting.

You could choose to get control of your emotions - you're an adult.

Don’t go.

But don’t burden the Bride with all this. Just have a convenient ‘virus’.

I understand depression and anxiety very well, I've been diagnosed with both, medicated, therapy, signed off at one point. I know they are real and debilitating.

But if you actually want to get better, they almost always respond to treatment. Therapy is not about talking about your problems for an hour, leaving and then magically feeling better. It's about arming yourself with the mental tools you then use to cope and manage the condition.

If you actually WANT to get better, and you put in the mental work, you almost always improve. It might not disappear entirely, but you can achieve a goal like being able to attend a dear friend's wedding even if someone you had an argument with a few years ago is on the other side of the room.

The mental work is hard and shitty. It's exactly the same as starting a diet and exercise routine when you're overweight and out of shape. It's really, really hard at first. Then it gets easier. And easier. And you may have the odd lapse, but overall you are better than you were. But you have to do it. Others can support you but they cannot do it for you.

OP is not prepared to put in any of the mental work and that's why I'm losing sympathy. She is definitely ill but she isn't prepared to accept that it's partly self inflicted and she does actually have some power to make changes. Instead she withdraws, creates echo chambers to validate her learned helplessness and is prepared to throw away good friendships.

And Jane's the one who's got to accept this shit on her wedding day or else she's the bad friend?

^
This

OP, hope you manage to seek further treatment for your illness.