Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

OP., I am not trying to add to your woes, but you are a very sensitive person.

Sally doesn't dislike you, but she finds your Drama hard to handle.

Is there not some kind of residential therapy course you could attend, so that you are in a safe space and not dashing out into the bright lights, so to speak.

Have you thought about taking medication to help you through your anxiety and until you make some sort of breakthrough with therapy and are more comfortable with the process. (I say this as someone who does take mild ssri's and sees a therpaist.)

Worrying about not attending your friend's wedign is way down your list of priorities; I think you do need some professional help & support. Start with your GP

I really feel for you Dexy - you do seem incredibly upset, both by what happened, and by the prospect of the wedding.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to go, however I do think that by not going, you run the risk of ending your friendship with Jane. It is unlikely that she will 'get' why you can't attend, and she will feel as if her wedding (and by extension, she herself) isn't important enough to you.

Which means two friendships lost.

The way you know you will react to being at the wedding with Sally will only confirm in Sally's mind that she made the right (for her) decision in ending the friendship.

Do you really think that there is no way at all that you couldn't prove her wrong? You know, hold yourself together, smile in acknowledgment and then just avoid each other?

The amount of satisfaction, and (for want of a better word) closure you'd get from showing her that you're not like that any more would be huge.

She's only a person. She's not perfect at all. It sounds like you've built her up to be this completely intimidating figure in your mind, when actually, she doesn't matter at all. Someone that doesn't want you in their life doesn't matter.

She is going to Jane's wedding knowing that you will be there, so she's obviously quite OK with running into you. Knowing that, is there any way you can downsize this all in your own mind?

I just wouldn't go.
If it was going to make me so anxious and upset, I'd dip out of it.
I would try and tell the bride prior to the event though, not throw a sicky on the day.

I think you need to face it. It’s not going to be as bad as you think and you have built up and might help you to heal?

I wouldn't go, you risk causing drama on somebody else's big day. Hope you will get the help you need.

Your strong reaction to what Sally said/did sounds much more like the reaction of a child or adult child, whose close family or parents have acted in ways that make you feel abandoned. If you look back now could you say that your reaction to her decision triggered feelings from childhood?

If this is the case, I think you probably need to do deeper work than CBT especially as you indicate you’ve seen several therapists and think they did CBT with you. This is just my opinion based on my personal experience having tried CBT. CBT deals with the present and doesn’t address complex mental health conditions, childhood trauma, or problems in family structure. See NHS info. www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/.

I’m only going by what you’ve said and I may be way off the mark. What I do see is a woman, who is still beating herself up about what happened with Sally. When in fact you reacted in the way you were able with the tools you had and still have available. So I think you actually need a lot more tools.

I saw and will continue at some stage in the future to see an amazing woman, who is a highly sensitive person. Because of the extensive work I did with her, I no longer run a self critical and highly self abusive internal commentary.

Please PM me if you want any more details. I feel so sad for you .

I also think you're better off not going if you feel this way; it sounds like you're very sensitive about it still.

If the wedding isn't too far away, would you be able to just turn up for the service? You wouldn't need to then have any interaction or sit near Sally, but can still show your support for Jane.

Hi op,
I maybe way off the mark but I'm thinking that Sally did something that affected you in a way that isn't trivial.

For example- you were trying to get pregnant, Sally got pregnant and decided not to continue with the pregnancy.
Something as huge as that.

I'm sorry if this is nowhere near the real situation but i am guessing that the situation was massively triggering for you to have such a strong reaction.

How long were you friends for?
It's a real shame when long friendships end but what I will say is that you have been the "bigger person" here and reached out to Sally and tried to make amends.

You need to keep your head held high.
There is always the possibility that Sally may not even attend but if she does then you will be with dh and presumably other mutual friends so hopefully won't feel too awkward.

You do run the risk of falling out with your other friend if you don't attend the wedding.

You've had such great advice, and I agree with MiddleClass

Your crying reminds me of the amount of crying I did when I broke up with an ex. I was in a crying fog for 3 years (and we were only together a year). And also when I was unhappy with salary and missed promotion at work. Another crying fog of 1 year. I also had CBT, and I also found it hard to do most of the talking, but my therapist did give me validation. She said that I had behaved with dignity and that eased something inside me. I wonder if you need a similar type of validation.

I think I'm a very sensitive person and it sounds like you are too. And there's nothing wrong with that! I think you need to understand what you're sensitive to. Was it rejection from Sally or what she did that weekend? As Mummy asked, could this be linked to something else in your childhood or adult life?

I think your realisation that Sally is not worthy of being put on a pedestal is also important. Make a list of all of her bad points/character traits. Hopefully this will help to further this realisation. Maybe you will find she is more worthy of pity than a pedestal.

You are not going.
You need to decide whether its kinder to tell bride now and why
Or be ill on the day.
If you cant tell bride now without it being an issue for her, be ill the day before.
None of it seems rational but that is the nature of mh problems

Weddings are meant to be fun events! This sounds the antithesis of fun. Just don't go - life is too short.

Your mental health is at serious risk. Don’t go.

Write to Jane. Be honest and open and clear. Express your deep sadness that you will not be there. Ask to meet up with her for lunch, your treat, so that you can speak in person but that you wanted to write first because it’s difficult for you to verbalise and you wanted to give her time to digest first.

If you decide not to go (and it is fine that you don't go) I don't think you will upset Jane at all, especially if there is any chance you won't be able to control yourself. I would explain after about Sally and you put her day first and foremost.

If there is a church service is there any way you could go early, sit as close to the front as possible,? Don't look back and sit with other guests that you know are completely neutral, and don't go to the reception after.

There is no way I would miss a friends wedding for a fall out years ago, but I am not feeling the way you do, and if I did, I would not go.

You don't sound especially close to Jane, and it is hardly the end of the world unless you are a bridesmaid or something. I would plan something lovely that weekend if it were me, perhaps with other friends.

Given the pain you have described, I would think about easing away from Jane as well. She does not sound like a very good friend of yours. A clean break from everyone involved is what I would do.

Sometimes we need to protect our mental health, that comes first everything HAS to come second. Pull your socks up, cancel the wedding, get back to work and move on. You will feel better in a few days once this problem has gone.

Sometimes people reject our friendships because they are overwhelmed, over worked, over stressed, don't take it personally and to heart. Most friendships don't last forever, very few, just see it as you would an old boyfriend, good while it lasted.

Enjoy your life with your dh whom sounds wonderful, this person lives in another country so just put her firmly out of your mind.

BTW

Sally does not sound like a very nice person, nor a good friend. A good friend would not have wanted to hurt you like she has, nor would they find your tears too much.

You invested too much of yourself. You will know next time.

Don't allow her to crush you all over again. Please don't go.

I wouldn’t go, don’t put yourself through this stress.

How often do you see Jane? Do you think she let you know about Sally because she does know deep down how you feel?

It’s hard knowing the best way to tell the bride. You can either be honest and just say you feel like you don’t want anything to spoil her day and it’s with regret that you won’t be able to make it OR throw a sickie on the day, or fake a D&V the day before, you can then text her to say there’s a high probability you won’t be able to make it.

I think once you make the right decision for you, which is not to go, then you will feel a whole lot better.

If you think that Jane really won’t understand why you’re not going then go with the sickie. You can then do as you’ve suggested (only if you feel you need to) and ring the venue asking them to put some money behind the bar.

I hope everything works out OP

I would think about easing away from Jane as well. She does not sound like a very good friend of yours. A clean break from everyone involved is what I would do.

But we dont know what the situation was - the fact that Jane didn't get involved suggests she can see both sides of it, or even feels that Sally was right to cut contact. I dont think it's helpful to validate the OPs reaction without knowing the details.

I truly detest weddings and only have gone to the ones of immediate family - which fortunately have been very few to date as I come from a small family.

Will any other of your friends be there, if so I would go personally.
I'd also say so what if this person doesn't want to be your friend, you have other friends, her loss, hold your head up high, and go.

I think you need to prepare for losing Jane over this. How does that make you feel?

You are clearly having a very strong reaction to this if it's affecting your day to day life now (work etc). Those feelings are all consuming but I really think you should get further help on this. It's no life to live in this way.

I am so sorry that your therapy has not helped

I have always had plain old counsellors - and I had a very wise older woman who helped me untangle . In fact two women in 2 occasions . Bad ones do harm . Sounds to me like you need to have someone help you untangle but I understand your reluctance . Don’t give up !

I don’t think you can go to the wedding and the sinner you send a polite letter explaining why the better . If she will be pushed off she isn’t really a good person . She might be hurt but she will get over it . Your husband sounds lovely . But the fact that one rejection hurt so badly makes
Me think there are
More deep seated issues

Focus on the letter explaining why is
My simple advice and it is not necessarily right - just an opinion

If you are brave and actually go to this wedding, it will be a building block to tackling similar situations in the future.
At the moment all your internal messages are negative and downward spiralling.
You have time to start internalising some positive messages.
“You are strong, you can do this, imagine how proud you will be if you can do this, there is a way out if you feel overwhelmed, DH will be ther to Support me, this is like going to the gym...painful but worth it” . That sort of thing.
Visualise yourself after the wedding proud of how brave you are.

I speak from sad experience here. This is my life...a series of conscious decisions to try to take the difficult path.

Good luck

I had a vaguely similar situation. Someone that used to be in my life got in touch and did something that turned my life upside down; it caused me a lot of tears and re-evaluation and feeling fragile for a year/18 months. I wrote her a restained letter at the time, which I sent to her. Sometime later I was still quite focussed on the event and angry/upset so I wrote a letter telling her what I really thought, but didn't send it.

I also really got into MN at that time. Asking advice about the situation and reading hundreds of threads about what other people are going through has been amazingly helpful.

I saw the woman in question while out Xmas shopping a couple of months ago. I did think a bit more about the situation after this, but she didn't have any strong effect on me at the time. Do you think it would be worth going to the wedding in the hope it will take away the power that the situation has over you?

I would explain to Jane tout mental health is suffering & you can't attend.

Could you attend the ceremony? Arriving as people are seated, then leave afterwards ?

I don’t think we can assume Sally and Jane are terrible people. The OP says herself that Sally’s decision wasn’t really unreasonable and was the best decision for her. The OP is obviously very distressed and not currently well but her reaction has been extreme and is not ‘normal’. I think in Sally’s situation I would have withdrawn from the friendship too.
OP I’m sorry the therapy you’ve taken so far hasn’t helped but it isn’t right to feel this level of rejection and upset about a friendship that ended whatever the circumstances. I think you’re right to miss the wedding but tell Jane you aren’t coming in advance so at least she’s prepared for you not to be there. To do otherwise is unkind. In the long term I hope you get the therapy you need and feel stronger.