Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

[BeyondThePage]

as my mother once said when I was in a "should I go?" predicament myself

"The only wedding you HAVE to attend is your own"

Just be polite and let Jane know.

[Quartz2208]

I agree @gamerwidow. Sally made the decision right for her and ended up with an hysterical friend. 3 years later op it’s still making you that way. Something must be triggering it as that is not a normal reaction.

Crying to your friends about it too is not normal either and I agree you should not go to the wedding if you can’t keep it in check as it could overshadow the wedding.

[PoorYorick]

I agree with PPs...you are obviously extremely sensitive. The fact that you still can't think of Sally without crying, that you're considering missing a good friend's wedding because you might see her (and there'll be no reason to speak), indicates that.

I'm sure you're lovely, but I'm not sure I could handle that level of intensity in my life either. So without knowing anything more about your falling out, I think I can see where Sally is coming from.

The wedding is about Jane. Not you, not Sally. If you don't go, you're likely to make it all about you and your feelings, whether you intend that or not. Ideally you really should go and put your feelings aside for a few hours because it's about Jane.

But if you really, honestly and truly can't, if it really is not possible for you to put a brave face on for a few hours, then yes, pull a sickie.

And whatever you do, do NOT tell Jane the true reason for your absence. Let her think you really were genuinely ill and you're devastated that you couldn't be there. Sorry, but I can really see this turning into a lengthy episode where you explain to Jane at length why you cannot go to her wedding because Sally and feelings and tears and all that. And that will ruin her day. She's entitled to enjoy her wedding without guilt or drama, however real it all is for you.

If you don't go, just say you have norovirus or something and never let her think otherwise.

[oldmum22]

I think you should go to the wedding and use it as a weapon to start getting yourself over Sally. I think the ceremony is the bit that Jane would want you to see ,which I think you and your OH should attend . Feeling the way you do about Sally,I wouldn't go to the reception ,on the basis there may be a social interaction and you may not be able to deal with her. Let Jane know that yes, you wouldn't miss her getting married for the world but sadly you wont be able to make the reception, as you wouldn't want there to be bad feeling in the air. She may come back and say Sally has no bad feeling towards you,but just counter it with ,through the years you have tried to make contact with Sally but have been blanked. You just don't want a drama on Jane's special day. I think some form of CBT would help enormously.

[PoorYorick]

Let Jane know that yes, you wouldn't miss her getting married for the world but sadly you wont be able to make the reception, as you wouldn't want there to be bad feeling in the air. She may come back and say Sally has no bad feeling towards you,but just counter it with ,through the years you have tried to make contact with Sally but have been blanked. You just don't want a drama on Jane's special day.

This would be causing drama on Jane's special day...using the bride as an intermediary for your grievances over a friendship that ended years ago. Don't do it.

Ideally you should go and put a brave face on for a few hours. If you really can't do that then don't make it all about you with talk of 'I don't want bad feelings', 'Sally did this to me', 'my mental health'' and whatnot.

I'd be amazed if Jane doesn't already know the whole backstory and doesn't guess why you're not there anyway. Just keep it to yourself, vent with your husband, and let Jane enjoy her day free from this as much as possible.

[Rachie1973]

DexyMidnight

Neither of us 'did' anything to the other, she took a decision that was hurtful to me (she acknowledged this) but it was one she was entitled to make and one that was best for her (and i acknowledged that). Unfortunately i cried and it ruined the weekend.

I have friends like you & Sally.

Mel & Claire in my case.

Mel had an abortion. This upset Claire greatly. Claire went on about it. A lot. They fell out.

I didn't. I stayed neutral.

I accept its hard for them, but I have always supported them in the best way I can. I do kinda expect them to do the same for me, and manage to put their differences aside for something like my wedding. Even if they just managed the service or something.

Its up to you if you don't go in the end, but I genuinely think it might hurt Jane.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Firstly you need help and support with your anxiety and depression.
You are giving Sally far too much power. If you don't go to the wedding and avoid dealing with the anxiety, it will make you feel better in the short term, but won't change anything long term. What about the next time you might be confronted with Sally? Then it'll just be worse.
Wouldn't it be great to go to the wedding, say a polite hello to Sally, then avoid her for the rest of the day and be there for Jane.
You CAN do it.
Can you practice what you would say or do if you met her? This will make you feel prepared.
Is this worth risking Jane's friendship over?
Good luck, and please get some support for yourself.

[Lalliella]

I don’t agree with PoorYorick sorry. I think if you leave it till the last minute then pull a sickie you’ll be worrying about it for the next month and that will be harmful to your mental health. Plus you will also have the guilt of letting Jane to deal with. Plus if Jane guesses what’s going on and realises you’ve lied to her, you’re risking losing a friend too.

If you really can’t sort things out with Sally, and really can’t cope with going to the wedding, then pull out now. Be completely honest with Jane, tell her you can’t cope with it because of your MH issues and you don’t want to spoil the wedding for her. If you can, try to go to the ceremony, that’s something you can decide on the day. Putting all this pressure on yourself now and over the next month is going to make your condition worse.

for you

[Lalliella]

*letting Jane down

[EmpireVille]

I don’t think we can assume Sally and Jane are terrible people

Not a single poster has sugggested that. In fact, I think most posters have accurately read the situation (one friend distancing herself from another because of the latter's instability) and are trying to be helpful and sensitive towards the OP who is obviously suffering an episode of poor mental health and cloudy thinking.

Of course, it's impossible for any of us to get a good steer on this because the OP is refusing to say what the hell happened.

I think the absolute most important thing here is that you get yourself in check and do not make it all about you (that seems to be what's caused this whole thing). No putting a tonne of money behind the bar (OTT), no dramatic letters to anyone, no heart-to-heart conversations with weeping and wailing. Don't force anyone else to engage with this.

Be ill on the day. Keep your excuse short. She'll almost certainly know you're lying and the reason why but so be it.

Send a nice gift and be prepared to end this friendship too. Unless you are part of a wider group, let it go and move on from both of them.

Life's too short.

[PoorYorick]

Lalliella makes a good point. That might be better. But whatever you do, keep the tears and anxiety and feelings to yourself (shared with your husband for support) as much as possible.

I just think you need to be very careful about using Jane as an intermediary for your feelings, or somehow tainting her wedding. There isn't really any way not to go without tainting it, but if you must stay home, just keep your communication about it to whatever minimum causes Jane the least upset.

I expect she knows the extent of your feelings anyway.

[PoorYorick]

Mel had an abortion. This upset Claire greatly. Claire went on about it. A lot. They fell out.

This was the scenario I imagined from reading the OP's posts. Obviously I don't know. But it fitted the description.

[greenlynx]

I have this problem of crying too. It's difficult to control and when it started it's impossible to keep it unnoticeable. I usually do chewing gum or something similar, it helps . Another thing is to keep interactions really brief and formal to make it as predictable as possible.
I think that it was mistake trying to reach Sally. Don't do this anymore. You have new life , there is no such person in it and that's the end . There is no Sally.
Your reaction when Jane told you about Sally coming to the wedding was the right one: Oh, it's nice ... and change of subject. So I wonder if you don't give yourself enough credit for being strong.
I had a major fall out with my best friend after uni. And my problem with crying actually made things worse. I haven't seen her since, we live in very different circles and I made a point not asking other friends about her . Just draw the line. I think Jane and other friends reminding you about Sally make things worse and don't give you opportunity to move on.

[Flappyears]

I’d be so upset if a friend didn’t come to my wedding because of a falling out they’d had with another guest. I’d just want them to be the bigger person for a few hours.

Pulling a sickie or expecting me to empathise wouldn’t be acceptable to me, sorry. You really risk losing Jane’s friendship over this. It’s up to you if you are prepared for that, but I agree with the pp who said this could building block for a stronger, more capable you.

[DexyMidnight]

Lot's of new responses this morning. Sorry, didn't sleep well and just woke up. I am going to go into work today. Running late but never mind.

It has never been my intention to burden the bride with any of this. I wouldn't do that. I have however (this morning) spoken to the bride's mother and told her that i won't be able to make it and offered my profuse apologies. (The bride's mother knows why Sally and I fell out). She is confused / upset because obviously she thinks i shouldn't let Sally get to me anymore but she says she understands and not to speak to bride, she'll sort it out.

I feel a lot better. Thank you for your message @Lalliella i just couldn't face another month like the past one. I had to make a decision without bringing the bride into it and this seemed like the best way to achieve finality on this issue without doing so.

[DexyMidnight]

*lots.

[JulyAphrodite]

Don't go its one day and not worth the grief it will cause you. Explain to Jane and take her out one to one maybe a spa day pre wedding

[DexyMidnight]

*another month like the past week. Sorry for all the typos now and last night.

[greenlynx]

I should add that 3 years is not enough to move on completely so your worries are understandable.
I agree with others don't do any drama or gestures in case of pulling out just gift, card and short sorry. Is your DP invited? What's his opinion on this? He is the one who's dealing with you at home.

[toomuchtooold]

I've also had the problem with crying in the past - certain situations triggered it and I really really hated it and would have done anything to be able not to in those situations. But it wasn't something that I could control, at the time.

OP I think your best bet is to tell Jane now, so she has time to get a refund on your meal/invite someone else. I would advise you to do it face to face if that's convenient, or over the phone, and not a letter, because there's the danger of the letter coming to be known as "that letter that OP wrote to Jane about Sally" and it all kicking off. Just tell her what you've told us - you have this crying reaction around Sally, it's related to your MH problems, you absolutely don't blame Sally for it (even if you slightly do) but since you can't be sure you won't go off, you'd rather not risk spoiling Jane's wedding with a scene.
If the lassie doesn't understand that, then lovely though she may be generally, I don't know that she's much good to you as a friend. You have these issues, and IMO part of the process of recovery is accepting yourself and your emotions for what they are, accepting what you can and cannot manage on any given day, and not shaming yourself into trying to behave like everyone else.

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

If you really don't feel you can just go & avoid this person, them just make an excuse like you have the noro virus at the last minute. Don't bring it up before the wedding it's not something your friend should be worrying about on her wedding day.
And get some counselling. Just to help you feel calmer.
Don't worry about seeing people who make you feel like this, life is too short.
Be kind to yourself. But don't drag your friend into your issues though.

[ittakes2]

I think you need to tell your friend now how you feel. It’s a month before the wedding - still time for her to process it. But if you cancel last minute that would upset her more and you might lose her friendship.

[ittakes2]

Just tell her what you told us - you have an irrational reaction to this other ‘friend’ and you are worried you might cause a scene at the wedding so think you should avoid it.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

Just seen your update...you've made your decision, and that's your prerogative. However you need to understand that going through her mother won't really make it better, and you could lose your friendship over not attending her wedding. I don't mean to be mean, but as someone has already said it would only have been for a few hours.

[R2G]

Try Emotional Freedom Therapy. Looks crazy but works. You can teach it to yourself from YouTube,. I have been in your position. You can do it x