Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

OP, I can relate to your situation. I would recommend you find a good Master Practitioner of NLP and Hypnotherapy. If they do EMDR too, all the better.

EFT is also very good - lots of free resources online.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end

This isn't about Jane or Sally. This isn't 'sensitivity'. This is anxiety disorder, depression and other emotional problems etc. Feeling a nervous wreck, crying for days is nervous breakdown territory, and it sounds like you're living permanently on the edge of breakdown.

In that case, events with Sally, Jane's wedding are magnified out of all proportion to their actual significance. And your emotions and thought processes are completely out of control.

I think perhaps in every day life you've normalised the abnormal and are used to living on the edge. It only takes relatively small incidents to push you over it.

Life really doesn't have to be like this.

ShutYoFace

I think Jane has been a very good friend to you by continuing to support you after your very dramatic bust up with Sally and you are danger of losing her friendship as well by not going to her wedding because of an argument several years ago. Sally did nothing to you but you are still this obsessed with it years later. Jane won't react in the same way but I think it will probably take the last of her patience.

I think you're right.

I agree with RidingWindhorses.

OP, these conditions are awful, as anyone who has lived with them can testify. But they are also manageable. The problem is, it's not easy. You do have to take ownership of them, and it does involve self control and hard work. But anxiety, depression and so on do often respond to proper treatment, more so if the patient really does try their best to manage them - if they really, really do want to get better.

You can avoid Jane's wedding if you want, nobody can force you to go, but it's a victory for your condition and will only make it even harder for you in the future. It serves absolutely nobody. The bride will be sad, Sally probably won't even notice and you'll have missed out celebrating a happy occasion with someone who's supposed to be dear to you. And buried yourself still deeper into this pit.

You DO have power over this condition and it doesn't need to rule you. Wouldn't it be great to live your life without all this anxiety and terror ruling you, to be able to go to a dear friend's wedding and celebrate with her and really not be bothered that someone you're not friends with is hovering in the background somewhere?

The text messages you sent to sally to reach out sound a bit selfish tbh - not just well wishes but “we need to talk/I need to apologise” ie a bit dramatic. I’m not surprised she declined to follow up.
If I was jane i’d be pretty cheesed off at you not turning up - doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision for you but you may well be sacrificing your friendship.

I'd also add, in the gentlest possible way, that while you're right to take Sally off her pedestal, she didn't put herself there.

There may be confusion over the messages i sent to Sally. I tried reaching out twice to say "hi can we talk, i would like to apologise".

Completely separately, and some time later, i sent a text to say "happy birthday" and one to say "congratulations on your wedding day". That is all.

It would have been extremely poor form to try to reconnect on her wedding day. I grant you that.

OK, so you reached out to her in the best possible way and she's declined to reply. Nobody would blame you for feeling hurt at that. But it still shouldn't be provoking such extreme feelings in you.

If that's how she plays it, then my guess is she will just ignore you if she sees you at the wedding. I'm assuming the room will be quite large, there'll be lots of people and that Jane will have the sensitivity not to seat you on the same table. There's really no reason you have to have any interaction with her at all. Just keep your eyes on the bride. Sally doesn't even have to exist.

Obviously, there’s more to this than a bad falling out/loss of a friend and the upcoming wedding. I wonder whether you have a “sticky brain” on this? By that, I mean no grey areas? Are you a person who is very black and white. No grey areas? I only ask because I had a similar scenario a few years ago. It was 6 years before we sorted it out and now rub along ok but, I’m wary and not fully engaged with the friendship. My inability to “let things go” was a huge part of the problem as I knew (as did everyone else) that I had been treated badly. My strong sense of right and wrong, lack of compromise and insistence that an apology was due (though everyone knew, I’d not get one) was later attributed to my adult diagnosis of Aspergers. I have a brain that sees right and wrong and there’s no ambiguity. It got to the stage where if I came within 50 feet of this person, I’d literally feel paralysed with stress and be incapable of continuing with whatever I was doing.

I’m not suggesting you are the same as me but, my diagnosis makes perfect sense in terms of my being unable to just brush things off. Could it be that if you went to the wedding, Sally might just carry on, as though nothing had happened between you? Some people can do that. The person in my life just came back into it six years later, never commented on her absence and acts as if nothing ever happened.

Have tried to respond below. Sorry if i have missed anything. I do appreciate all the advice and support. Truly.

@Octonaught. I agree I am too sensitive. Oddly though I wouldn’t describe myself as fragile, I often get told I am fearless, tough etc. But when something ‘gets’ me I am just an unadulterated mess. I don’t know if residential therapy might be a leap too far for me at this stage, but I will think about that (and look into it – had no idea such a thing existed). I had a long period on meds (various, it took a lot of trial and much error) and found them very useful at the time, but I also hated them because I felt they numbed me. I look back on that stint of my life (about 4/5 years) and it is genuinely a shocking blur. I don’t remember any of it really. A bit scary.

@Dowager (and many, many others who have said similar). I run the risk of ruining my friendship with Jane. I know that. That is exactly what is causing me pain in this situation (mixed with the fear of seeing Sally). I am prioritising myself over Jane and that does not feel good.

@MummyDragon & Babyccinoo & RidingWind: I have always felt I was a complete mess although I have no idea why. I had a happy childhood. The way I reacted doesn’t make sense to me, it doesn’t make me think “ah, this is because of what happened with X when you were 8” or anything like that. I would love to know why though and it is interesting that people think it might be something more deeply rooted, and that CBT might not be best suited for me. I have never been offered any alternatives and didn’t know they existed. I will do some research. I will take you up on your offer to PM – thanks.

@ GentleJones: I don’t think Jane knows how badly I feel. I do not see her often. She lives a short flight away from me. I have respected her wishes to stay neutral and we don’t talk about Sally. Nevertheless I am sure she told me Sally was coming because she knew I would appreciate a head’s up (anyone would, wouldn’t they? Even if they were a very stoic and not easily fazed (sp?) person).

@Nursery: no, no other friends will be there. But Jane’s family and friends (I have met some, obviously including her parents, hence why I felt able to call up her mum) are very kind.

@Norks: it would be brave to go. But I am not feeling brave . If there were more time before the wedding I would try some therapy specifically to help myself get through the wedding, and maybe try some medication? But in any event I have now made my decision and informed MoB now.

@Greenlynx. My husband is invited. He has met Jane and her fiancé once, I think. Possibly Jane twice. He just says we can do whatever I want to do and whatever will make me happy. The flights are booked now but he says he doesn’t mind. He is not at home this week, he is on another business trip and in a different time-zone and with AWFUL wifi. Doesn’t help right now!

@toomuchtooold. Thanks, that choked me up.

@Smurfy thank you for hand hold and understanding.

@Elisebrunnen: “no one else in this scenario is going to be anywhere near as involved in this as you”, hits the nail on the head. I fully agree. A friend said yesterday that while Jane will be upset if I don’t come, she probably won’t be as upset as I will make myself by going. You both have a very valid point, from different angles.

@Wings. Thanks for your insight. I have pm’d you back.

@Hissy. I think Sally is probably ok with coming/seeing me there because she was in control of the situation, i.e. she declined my apology and made the decision to end contact. If you were to hear her side of things I think she’d tell you I overreacted, was a crybaby, and spoiled a weekend and that she doesn’t need that drama in her life. I have tried to represent the fall-out fairly. You talk a lot of sense. The therapy I have had to date has not enabled me to do any of the things you have mentioned so I need to keep looking I suppose.

@Introverted. I wanted to draw a line under this (for my sake) and to allow the bride’s parents a chance to cancel our meals and (hopefully) not throw money down the toilet and maybe to quietly put a seating contingency plan in place in the knowledge that I am not coming. That’s why I involved the MoB. I feel so much better for having come clean without burdening the bride with my woes. I am happy with that decision. The MoB seemed glad I had done it without speaking to Bride. I think what I did was the best of a bunch of bad options that were always going to cause someone some hassle and upset.

@Milk: if Jane reacts badly, like I did to Sally I am just going to say I am really sorry and I will be here waiting when she feels like she can talk and/or wants to accept my apology. That’s all I can do. I don’t think I have made Jane’s wedding all about me. I am trying very hard not to do so by removing myself from a cause of pain (for me) and drama (for her).

@Suki. I don’t think I am being too B&W about the fall out. I never asked Sally for any apology and I always held my hands up and said I didn’t handle it badly. What I wanted was for Sally to accept my apology and say we should just put it behind us so that we could bump alongside each other at things like Jane’s wedding even if we aren’t actually going to have a friendship of our own anymore.

Just to reiterate, I will NOT burden the bride with any of this before her wedding. That was never an option on the table. I am undecided as to whether to feign illness but come clean later, after she returns from honeymoon. I am listening to the conflicting views on that and will give it some thought.

*held my hands up and said I handled it badly. (sorry for many typos again).

"I am undecided as to whether to feign illness but come clean later, after she returns from honeymoon. "

But haven't you already told the mother you're not coming because of Sally?

Yes i mean feign illness to Jane to explain non-attendance at wedding, then come clean after her honeymoon. I suppose i need to wait and see if she wants to hear from me. If she does i think i want to be honest with her. Her mum said she wouldn't say anything. I didnt ask her to lie, to be clear.

Go to the wedding, say hello if the opportunity arises and avoid her for the rest of the day.

You're avoiding a situation you've built up in your head.

You need a good therapist and to move on.

Life is full of people we cannot get on with and you cannot avoid them all.

I'm confused - Jane's mum isn't going to say anything? What have you asked her to say?

I'm not sure if you should feign illness or not, but if you do, say you're ill and leave it there. Jane will probably guess the real reason anyway. But it would come across very badly to say "I'm so sorry, I'm ill" only to add afterwards, "Actually I was fine, I just didn't want to see Sally." It will look, rightly or wrongly, as though your priority is Jane knowing how upset you are and it will taint things retrospectively.

If you really won't go, pick a line and stick with it.

Sorry - i am being very confusing.

i have told MoB why i am not coming. She said she wouldn't mention anything to Jane, that i shouldn't either, and she would quietly sort it out.

On the day i am obviously going to have to throw a sickie. I do understand why people are saying i should stick with that lie. And Jane's mum appears to have offered me the option of continuing my lie after the wedding but i would rather not. Not fair on Jane's mum, and i'd rather tell Jane and face the music than Jane hear it from her mum, in the future.

I had to tell Jane's mum the truth or there would have been no chance for MoB to cancel the meals and shuffle the table plan (etc). I can't feign an illness a month in advance.

There is no easy way to do this. I think i've done the best thing in the circumstances.

I think that if you intend to tell Jane that you missed her wedding because you didn't want to see Sally, then you shouldn't let her believe something else first.

If you tell her the truth from the start, you're being honest and Jane knows. If you tell her you're sick, she might believe it (unlikely) but it will look as though you're trying to spare her feelings and not ruin the day.

But if you tell her you're sick, and then after the honeymoon tell her the truth, it looks absolutely awful however you slice it. It looks as though you're trying to gain brownie points through a white lie, but then in the end can't stand Jane not knowing how truly tormented and noble you have been.

There's some dignity and kindness attached to both of the other options - tell the truth from the start, or say you were ill and never go back on it. But there's absolutely no dignity in pulling a switch halfway through like that.

Ideally, you should conquer your fear, your anxiety and yourself and go for Jane's sake. But if you really really cannot, pick a line and stick with it.

Ok i understand. I need to think about this. X

But that just sounds like you are going to lie to the bride so that you can create some drama after the wedding instead of before it? Why tell her at all, if you are going to lie? Lie, and stick with it.
I think you don't want to because you will feel better coming clean. You're all about you, still, its not about Jane. If it was you would just stick to the lie.

This utterly bizarre. You've told the MoB that you're not coming so she can make arrangements for seating etc, however you somehow expect the bride not to find out?

I think you live in a world of your own OP - do you honestly imagine that her mum won't tell her about this at an appropriate time?

You have no option but to be honest with Jane at the appropriate time or you'll just add further reasons for you to be viewed as a drama queen.

DexyMidnight

And Jane's mum appears to have offered me the option of continuing my lie after the wedding but i would rather not. Not fair on Jane's mum, and i'd rather tell Jane and face the music than Jane hear it from her mum, in the future.

You're in danger of creating more drama about you if you tell her later. If you tell a lie, be prepared to carry it.

If you throw a sickie on the day and then tell the truth later that's very, very, very selfish.

You really do seem determined to make Jane's wedding all about you and your dramatics with Sally.

I'm sorry OP, I know that's harsh, but you're not really listening.

@Merry i hope my previous post explains this. Of course bride will realise i am not there. It's whether she ever finds out true reason. She likely will. I'd rather it was from me. But i see Yorrick's point.

I got that - my point is of course she'll find out because you told her MOTHER!

I suppose then we are back to sq 1 and i need to tell her before her wedding. That's selfish too and in my mind worse. It's a catch 22. I don't know what's for the best.