Is it ok not to go to wedding?

[DexyMidnight]

An old friend is getting married at the start of March. Let's call her Jane. Jane and I used to have a good friend in common (Sally) but Sally and I had a major falling out three years ago. I tried to make friends and apologise, but Sally wasn't having any of it and said she just didn't want me in her life anymore.

I was very cut up about all of this. My depression and anxiety, which had been under check, spiraled back out of control and i became quite ill again.

However, in the interim, lives have moved on. Sally and I each married our husbands. We both invited Jane to our respective weddings, but didn't invite each other (unsurprisingly).

While life has moved on, I have not. If anyone mentions Sally's name i get very upset. Hot, tight throat, panicky, tears. I am not proud of this and i know it's not normal. But there we are.

Sally lives overseas. Around the time of her engagement, Jane told me that Sally couldn't make it to her wedding for various weddings, including distance. Jane was sad but understood.

I found out, last weekend, that actually Sally can now come to the wedding. (This is confirmed, not just gossip/guess-work).

I have (privately) been in bits since I found out. I cannot face seeing Sally again and don't want to go to the wedding.

I've been a nervous wreck this week and have had to take time off work. I have cried for days on end. It is not that i think she will be horrid to me at the wedding - I know she won't speak to me beyond a polite hello - i just cannot face seeing her. If i do, i feel like it will be another blow to my mental health (I am already a mess) and if i am being honest, i just don't want to put myself through that.

Separately, i am also horribly afraid of getting upset and causing a scene at Jane's wedding.

AIBU not to go, even though all there is to fear is my own reactions?

[MiddleClassProblem]

Merryoldgoat my you don’t understand comment was at Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar

Whilst both issues are part of her anxiety, the crying as a instant response (rather than prolonged and go it over her head for days) has direct coping mechanisms that can help and would get her through the wedding. Whereas the other is a little more complex and it about changing your thought process.

OP probably won’t be back but it seems she looking at different therapies that can improve her quality of life. Fingers crossed!

[MrsPreston11]

Blimey, what a load of drama.

Without you saying what actually went on all I can assume is you reacted really over-dramtically and made something personal that wasn't really about you or your decision to make.

And lost a friend because of your reaction to an action that , yes, upset you but didn't really have anything to do with you.

I don't blame Sally at all.

Jane is a strong woman to have not have given up on you too. If your life is really like this thread then I honestly would have distanced myself a long time ago (sorry, but true.)

You're not helping yourself in any way at all. Have an excuse for everything, and put your needs ahead of your "friends" even on their wedding day.

[DragonNoodleCake]

I see this from another perspective, I had a similar falling out many years ago with a friend. We ended up at the same birthday party, we interacted politely and respectfully (but not friendly) for the sake of other friends.
It helped us see the past was the past. We'll never be close again but we can be around each other without hostility or anxiety and I'm glad of that.

[DragonNoodleCake]

I'd say actually that avoiding seeing Sally may be compounding this idea that it will be terrible. The longer you avoid, the worse it seems if you get my meaning (I know I do it!!) but I've learnt that avoiding situations never helps.
Think of Jane here, if I was her I'd be gutted if you didn't come to my wedding, and the relationship would suffer. I'd not cause drama but I'd not be in a hurry to include someone who didn't come to my wedding because of a years old falling out.

[PoorYorick]

If Jane does decide this is too hurtful for her to move past, OP, will you at the very least not add that lost friendship to your list of personal dramas and crises and things that just happen to you?

[LindySprint]

OP, do you think - during that weekend - that Sally felt judged by your reaction?

[DenPerry]

I agree you shouldn't go of only because you know you will have a strongb reaction and that's not fair on anyone, weddings are happy occasions and shouldn't be about anyone else. I think you're being really sensible and think you sound like a very measured, thoughtful person in your posts (to the point I can't imagine you being so emotional!)

But it is so hard when posters won't go into detail, it's really hard to advise. Also feels like a tease as posters get invested but aren't allowed the full story.

[Rachie1973]

DenPerry
But it is so hard when posters won't go into detail, it's really hard to advise. Also feels like a tease as posters get invested but aren't allowed the full story.

Gets the OP lots of 'Luv oooo' sympathy though, which I'm beginning to think is part of her overly dramatic nature and need to make everything about her.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I'm starting to think that Jane isn't on anywhere near as high a pedestal (whatever that means) as Sally was, so while it was cripplingly devastating to lose Sally's friendship, Jane's - well, it's just a bit unfortunate.

[HappenedForAReisling]

My money's on Sally asking OP to be her bridesmaid then changing her mind and breaking the news on "That Weekend".

[elisenbrunnen]

Reisling - you might just have it. in which case the op has a point - oh no, hang on. No she is still a bit of a drama llama.

[EfficiencyDeficiency]

To be fair, it's probably a good thing if op isn't going to go if she can't manage to not break down and cry over Sally at her friend's wedding.
She would be likely to never forgive you over that.

It is Jane's day, you being like that would make it about you.

Just another perspective.

I also have severe anxiety and also OCD so I know how things can manifest but I do believe ( without knowing the full story ) that this has got way out of hand.

[MotherofaSurvivor]

I think OP is in love with 'Sally' and got knocked back

[PoorYorick]

I think Sally is an alien and confessed to OP that she cannot understand these strange Earthling emotions and will soon be returning to her home planet.