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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting bills AIBU

255 replies

Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 20:38

My boyfriend wants to live with me and we are talking about how to split bills. I live in a nice house with my 3 DC so he wants to come and live with us in our current property. I currently pay all the rent and all the household bills obviously. He proposes that he moves in and gives me £70 per week towards bills (he works full time and earns considerably more than me) and that he will give me a card to his account that I can draw extra money out if I need it. To me this feels demeaning. I don't want to ask him if I can draw extra money. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but it doesn't feel good. AIBU??

OP posts:
TheEmmaDilemma · 05/02/2018 19:31

^^ That.

BackToThe90s · 05/02/2018 19:36

Unfortunately you do need to have a conversation that is all about money so you can move forward with no misunderstandings. If he thought it was all about money to you or that you just wanted someone to pay for your kids and have an easier life then he isn't adult enough to be in a relationship.

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/02/2018 19:54

Why does he need to move in? Just keep him as a boyfriend and protect yourself and children.

Gemini69 · 05/02/2018 20:10

Why does he need to move in? Just keep him as a boyfriend and protect yourself and children

THIS Grin

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/02/2018 20:48

Do you know what you are going to say to him Morgan?

NotAnotherEmma · 05/02/2018 20:59

I would say 50/50 for any bill not strongly increased by the presence of 3 children, like the food bill as others mentioned.

Look over your bills for the last 3 months and come up with a counter offer cuz £280 a month is honestly insulting.

I pay more than that in bills, we have a 1 bedroom flat, I don't have a car, we don't have 3 kids, I contribute 25% of fuel cost for husband's car for him driving us around for errands and occasionally dropping me off at work. So yeah £280 is a joke, fortunately for my husband I'm too decent to try and con him into letting me only pay that much.

TitaniasCloset · 05/02/2018 22:07

I would run for the hills. This is a very bad sign. If you had a lodger they would be paying more.

43percentburnt · 05/02/2018 22:14

I bet this fine catch wants you to do the majority of the housework too because he’s the ‘main breadwinner’!

Personally this would have made me see his true colours and I’d call it a day. £70 a week. Fuck you cant rent a room in a student house with mouldy walls for that. £70 a week!

43percentburnt · 05/02/2018 22:16

“Unfortunately you do need to have a conversation that is all about money so you can move forward with no misunderstandings. If he thought it was all about money to you or that you just wanted someone to pay for your kids and have an easier life then he isn't adult enough to be in a relationship”.

It’s all about money to him! Dressed up as making you feel bad and money grabbing!

TitaniasCloset · 05/02/2018 22:23

There are men out there who see single mums as an easy catch. A nice clean house and full fridge, she probably does all the cleaning and cooking anyway, she has her own money from maintenance or benefits. Plus they assume us single mums are a bit desperate for male attention. You have to watch out.

Leaspr · 05/02/2018 22:28

You'll be losing all your Tax Credits and HB. I think he should be matching your loss at the minimum.

Starlight2345 · 05/02/2018 22:33

where does he live now..if it is a flat.. He will be saving a fortune moving in with you.

so it is going to cost you are you will loose tax credits.. bils will go up.

It is good to sort this stuff out before he moves in.

How has he been with money so far?

TitaniasCloset · 05/02/2018 22:36

I too want to know how the money works now.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 05/02/2018 22:37

I think it should be based on income , so if for example he earns double what you do he should contribute double what you do because thats then a fair percentage so him 2/3 and you 1/3 also he should pay towards your children , equally so your share also pays for his child when shes with you but i think im in the minority but yes hes massively taking the pee £70 indeed and you can guarantee the card he lets you use will only have a select amount of money on it not full access to his finances so for example you needed to do a big £200 food shop or a child needed a new bed i can imagine him being the kind of person who would give you a hard time every time you needed to buy something

Original poster
Morgan14 · 06/02/2018 04:02

He currently lives in a flat in a high rise block that is unsuitable for his DD who's only 6. He's given the impression that the card isn't for a big £200 shop it's for emergencies when I don't have enough for bills etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Morgan14 · 06/02/2018 04:04

And it's for a second account that he puts a little bit of money in at a time so it's not a card to his main account. So it's not like he trusts me with access to all his money as some have said. Not that I'd take it anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morgan14 · 06/02/2018 04:11

We've been together nearly 4 years. I just got a better job so I don't get very much in tax credits etc any more. The main thing I would lose by him being here is help with my childcare costs. He isn't the sort of person who strikes me as tight but he likes to be the one in control of money. Actually saying this out loud it making it look worse and worse.

OP posts:
cantsleepclownwilleatme · 06/02/2018 04:12

He's completely taking the absolute piss. Like glaringly, disgustingly taking the piss. On that alone I would end it.

graziemille · 06/02/2018 04:12

My thoughts are he should pay all the bills and an amount that covers your loss of benefits.
He'll have a free roof over his head, fully furnished and a lovely family and home to enjoy.
£70 is an insult.
And really unattractive.......

PhoebefromFriends · 06/02/2018 05:43

He chooses to live in an unsuitable flat for his DD, this is a red flag for me. He should provide somewhere suitable for his child to live, sounds like it's all about him..... I would walk away, he sounds selfish.

Henrysmycat · 06/02/2018 06:04

What “Phoebefromfriends” said with bells on.
If his flat is not suitable for his kid that’s his issue and a good indication of what he thinks of other people. Even in dire needs, I’d have something smaller instead of somewhere unsuitable for my DD. I’ve seen fathers with less managing.
I have no idea how he is in RL but here on paper, he doesn’t seem like a catch. And I don’t mean catch as ‘the mug who would pay and do everything for you’ but as an equal partner who has your best interest at heart.
He has done his calculations on bills and that’s it. Where’s the food coming from, stuff around the house you might need? The cleaning etc. He thinks that you do this already so no biggie to do it for him too. I mean, you’d cook dinner, what’s an extra plate? You would have clean the toilet what’s an extra piss? And so on. And he gets to sleep with you. And you will be so much worst off financially.
Think long and hard, do you really need him in the house between your kids? Does he sound like a good example of a father figure? From what you described, I doubt it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2018 06:24

He wants to control the money. Shock. He has his dd weekends and holidays, has a higher income than you and lives in a high rise flat, which isn’t suitable for his 6 yo dd. Shock Your monthly costs are £1100, and it is very fair to assume his housing are already considerably less - probably less even when factoring in child maintenance for his dd. Now he wants to pay £70 p/w for living with you in your nice 3 bed home. Wanker.

If he makes you happy great. But I’d never ever move in with a man like this. For me, this would be the end of the relationship. He’s showing total disrespect to you and your children. Even more worryingly, no respect for his dd. While you’re with him, you’re missing the opportunity to either be happy alone or find a decent man.

rewritethestars · 06/02/2018 06:36

If he is moving in and you are going to be living together as one happy family then he should be contributing to all family costs including your children, not just his own. Is he going to be there as stepfather? If not what are you all gaining? It sounds more like a lodger arrangement.

ChasedByBees · 06/02/2018 07:06

It doesn’t look great. So what are you going to do?

WTFIsThisVirus · 06/02/2018 07:52

Based on your last update, please don't let him move in. I very much doubt that he will contribute to your childcare costs.

You could get him to agree to a certain amount each month, but you might struggle to get it. A friend of mine struggles to get her DPs share every month and there are no stepkids involved; they have one child together.