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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting bills AIBU

255 replies

Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 20:38

My boyfriend wants to live with me and we are talking about how to split bills. I live in a nice house with my 3 DC so he wants to come and live with us in our current property. I currently pay all the rent and all the household bills obviously. He proposes that he moves in and gives me £70 per week towards bills (he works full time and earns considerably more than me) and that he will give me a card to his account that I can draw extra money out if I need it. To me this feels demeaning. I don't want to ask him if I can draw extra money. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but it doesn't feel good. AIBU??

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/02/2018 08:05

@mummmy2017 @Mummyoflittledragon

In my earlier post you would have seen that I had a formula that I'd have implemented. DHs suggestion was simply a way of doing it that I hadn't thought of. And maybe I wasn't clear about what he thought. He was saying that he should put more into the family pot than pretty much anyone here.

MagicFajita · 06/02/2018 08:40

I've only read one page @Morgan14 and I'm shocked. £70 plus whatever he leaves in an account? That's not good enough.

When my partner (now dh) moved in with myself and the kids we sat down and had a proper chat about money and division of labour. I showed him how much it costs to run this home , he nodded and said he'd pay half. We agreed to share housework completely, and we do.

What I'm trying to say is that if you can't sit and have this talk and have a good outcome then maybe (as pps have said) you shouldn't live together.

GabriellaMontez · 06/02/2018 08:56

All while he earns 'considerably more' than you.

fallenblossom · 06/02/2018 09:14

Good grief don't do it!

After the divorce/split with children's df, the light at the end of the tunnel, is the absolute bliss that comes with living alone with our dc - to be in absolute charge of all aspects of our home, as well as the peace and stability it brings everyone.

I don't wish to offend anyone but I really think we should be more mindful of dc in these situations. They rarely get a say, yet it impacts them hugely. OP, remain as you are.. It's not as if he comes with the means and intentions to make life better for you all.

No way would I give up the freedom that comes with living alone.

FinallyHere · 06/02/2018 09:38

^ this, wot fallenblossom said.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2018 10:33

@Wallywobbles
Perhaps your dh didn’t mean it the way it was interpreted. When you posted, we didn’t have a clue where he was living or even a ball park figure of what he is paying. As is, his rent on the flat and bills could feasibly be less than half that of op for example.

Newscoliosismum · 06/02/2018 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffiana · 06/02/2018 11:14

He is tight.

Even if he doesn't turn out to be financially abusive (and I would guarantee he will) being tight with money is the same as being tight with emotional warmth. A total fucking turn off.

Start paying attention to what he tells you about his previous relationships and what exactly he claims were his previous partners faults.

Haffiana · 06/02/2018 11:16

And why exactly are you hesitating to tell him what you have told us? Why are you contemplating this relationship if you are unable to tell him about your misgivings?

mummmy2017 · 06/02/2018 11:23

Please don't do this.
You get a payrise and he wants to move in...
He's tight and will control what he pays, and with all the extra bits he suddenly will need..

You have a bigger house, and earn more.
If you didn't do this for 4 years, then why change the way your together now.
You really do sound sorted, and your children will find having to adjust a lot harder than you think..

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/02/2018 11:44

Is this a case of him realising he needs somewhere better to live, partly because of his DD, and then he thought it would be a good idea to move in with you. Less hassle, less expensive, why not? Then he suggested it without really thinking it through?

Tbh, I would say to him that you and the DC value having your own space, you are happy as you are with the relationship, certainly not ready to have a step-father move in, so it would be better if he got a better place of his own independently of you?

I wouldn't even mention the money. OK so it has set alarm bells ringing in your head. Listen to them
but no need to mention to him exactly what made you decide that you aren't ready to change to live-in partner / stepfather yet.

pinkyredrose · 06/02/2018 11:47

OP did you actually want him to move in or was it his idea? What is it about his flat that makes it unsuitable for his daughter and why did he choose to live there if it wasn't suitable?

expatinscotland · 06/02/2018 12:34

'He isn't the sort of person who strikes me as tight but he likes to be the one in control of money.'

So have you told him NO yet? This is a non-starter. You need to do the Freedom Programme, too, because it sounds like this man takes massive advantage of you. Do not move him in. He will become financially abusive and you and your kids will pay the price.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2018 12:42

'He currently lives in a flat in a high rise block that is unsuitable for his DD who's only 6. He's given the impression that the card isn't for a big £200 shop it's for emergencies when I don't have enough for bills etc'

Then he needs to rent a more suitable place. Why hasn't he already? Too tight? Easier for him to cocklodge with his girlfriend?

TitaniasCloset · 06/02/2018 13:43

Runrabbit is right, don't bother having the conversation about money, he will try to twist it around, just tell him it won't work for the kids. Then seriously reconsider this relationship. It's going nowhere.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 13:45

I'm wondering if his dds mum has had enough of him having a place unsuitable for proper contact to take place and told him to get his act together. But instead of doing that he wants another woman to provide the suitable accommodation (and childcare, laundry, meals...)

Motoko · 06/02/2018 13:55

Why is a high rise flat unsuitable for a 6 year old? Plenty of families live in high rises.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2018 14:06

Hmm. Work out what you will lose by him being there- extra work if you do his housework.
what kind of housekeeper is he in his flat?
Tax credits/childcare/child benefit etc.
Increases in bills.

Work out what feels realistic- he shouldn't be contributing to your mortgage, make sure you protect your home and income. Or let him contribute and be prepared for him having a claim on it. Get that clarified first.

Think about how you have both handled the disagreement, then decide if you want to continue the relationship.

LagunaBubbles · 06/02/2018 14:12

You still havent said OP if you want him to move in with you?

blueletter · 06/02/2018 19:23

There are men out there who see single mums as an easy catch. A nice clean house and full fridge, she probably does all the cleaning and cooking anyway, she has her own money from maintenance or benefits. Plus they assume us single mums are a bit desperate for male attention. You have to watch out.

as a single mum... THIS. plus its the ready made family that if they get bored they can just pack up and leave.

Im more convinced now OP he may be taking the piss with his ex too. by moving in with you and trying to get his maintenance reduced and using your 3 kids to get a reduction.

Appuskidu · 06/02/2018 19:28

He currently lives in a flat in a high rise block that is unsuitable for his DD who's only 6.

How long has he lived there?
Why does he live there if it’s so unsuitable for his daughter?

It sounds like he fancies a cheap pad and thinks you will be grateful to have him!

Gemini69 · 06/02/2018 20:32

this has Bullshit written all over it Sweetheart... don't let him move in... your kids are the ones who will suffer.... Flowers

Springtrolls · 06/02/2018 20:41

He isn't tight? Haha
He likes to be in control of the money.. Those are the words that you need to careful of. He's telling you he will be in control of the finances when he gets his feet under the table.

Why isn't a high rise suitable? Best years of my life were spent in a high rise. It's not like she's there permanently. If you weren't on the scene he would either have to suck it up, find some other mug, or move to somewhere he deems suitable and pay for it himself.

43percentburnt · 06/02/2018 20:45

Blueletter has a very valid point. You could ask him what will happen regarding his maintenance if you live together. If he hints or mentions a reduction due to your three kids it may help your decision. I really hope he wouldn't have considered reducing his maintenance to his children whilst paying 70 to you.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 06/02/2018 21:14

I’ve just read the first two comments....

Cocklodger Grin

This will be my new word!