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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting bills AIBU

255 replies

Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 20:38

My boyfriend wants to live with me and we are talking about how to split bills. I live in a nice house with my 3 DC so he wants to come and live with us in our current property. I currently pay all the rent and all the household bills obviously. He proposes that he moves in and gives me £70 per week towards bills (he works full time and earns considerably more than me) and that he will give me a card to his account that I can draw extra money out if I need it. To me this feels demeaning. I don't want to ask him if I can draw extra money. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but it doesn't feel good. AIBU??

OP posts:
cantsleepclownwilleatme · 04/02/2018 23:41

Yes he should pay half. He has a child too, and you'll lose credits etc from him being there. Him living with you shouldn't be a financial burden on you. If he doesn't want to become a family and split things equally then he doesn't move in, simple.

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 01:34

The two things I don't understand are

  1. are you expecting him to pay for your children? Is he now a father-type figure with financial responsibility for them?

  2. He suggested you having access to his account. How is that demeaning? It sees fair and trusting on his part.

I get that men are disliked in general here but what's he done wrong? Maybe he should be paying 50% of the cost of your children but I'm not sure. Don't you get money from their father(s) for that? How about various financial entitlements because of the children. Will you keep all of them still?

I guess I wonder if the children are now his financial responsibility. If not then his 25% plus access to his money seems fair and I can't for the life of me see how it's demeaning.

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 01:42

ComputationalAspects
He suggested you having access to his account. How is that demeaning? It sees fair and trusting on his part

I agree, I can't see what's wrong with that. He may have thought he was being helpful by not fixing an amount so you can spend whatever it is you need to spend rather than trying to work to a set budget.

I also don't know about him paying half for the kids. Stepparents often get a hard time on Mumsnet and are generally told in no uncertain terms that stepkids are not their 'business' I guess every situation is different and every couple need to work out what suits them.

Birdsgottafly · 05/02/2018 02:06

By giving the OP his card (which may not last, anyway), he is telling her that the running of the Household (the Wifework) and the Mental Load will be hers to bare.

There is a lot wrong with that.

By having his card, that puts her open to scrutiny and accusations. With a proper agreement there is no need for that arrangement and you have to ask yourself why he is shying away from a proper agreement. He has said "if you need it", he can cancel the card if he deems that she doesn't need any extra money.

The OP will not get the same benefits if they split, so she will taking a loss.

He is a good earner but hopes to live for £70 a week? That doesn't bode well.

PositivelyPERF · 05/02/2018 02:16

I get that men are disliked in general here catch a bloody grip. Most women on here have husbands/partners, sons, brothers, etc and love men. But there’s nothing wrong with making sure women are treated with the same respect that men expect. Don’t be such a misogynist.

theftbyfinding · 05/02/2018 03:01

I loathe the passive language of 'my boyfriend wants to move in* . What the hell do you want and where is your nous?

theftbyfinding · 05/02/2018 03:03

And by that I mean, what do you want? Do you want him to move in? Then state your terms and don't be passive! £70 a week my arse!

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 04:42

I guess I wonder if the children are now his financial responsibility. If not then his 25% plus access to his money seems fair and I can't for the life of me see how it's demeaning.

Why should he benefit and a pay a measly 25%? He sure as fuck wouldn't be paying 25% if he was living on his own would he?

If you read the thread, you'll see OP stands to lose alot in CTC, CT discount etc.

As for his card, there is something mealy mouthed about this suggestion. I suspect he knows OP would feel awkward using it. Much better to have a fixed arrangement.

OP, he is going to be better off with moving in, so you should be better off too, not just 'no worse off'.

araiwa · 05/02/2018 04:53

Is the £70 for just bills and then rent on top? Because that would be reasonable

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 04:58

No, it's £70pw for everything.

Kpo58 · 05/02/2018 05:30

Single rooms in a shared house in my area are at least £500 p/m, so he is definitely trying to pull a fast one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2018 05:35

Your boyfriend wants to move in with you. And pay a pittance for the privilege of doing so.

It doesn’t sound as if he wants to move in with your kids.

If he did and if he cared, he’d want to pay his way and want to make your life easier and more financially secure. I agree the offer of his bank card is precarious and can be retracted at moment.

As for the logistics, you’d have to get permission from your ll to have him as a permitted person or make a change to the tenancy agreement whereupon adding him as a tenant. In the first scenario, he’s not legally liable to pay a bean in rent. In the second, he’s a joint tenant and will be difficult to get out if things go wrong.

Personally I wouldn’t like either scenario. And wouldn’t be rushing to live with him.

Jdabbers · 05/02/2018 06:32

I'd be suspicious as to why he's trying to 'save' his money.... does he have plans??

famousfour · 05/02/2018 06:58

Sounds like he looked at your bills and put in a quarter/fifth for himself (the rest being covered by you and your three).

Should he pay half? Well I'm not really sure. But it sounds like you need to discuss the benefits you lose from him moving in - perhaps he hasn't realised. Plus if he is factoring your children in separately then his DD needs to be considered too.

I would sort things out first, rather than just taking what you need from his card. Recipe for disaster..,

KayaG · 05/02/2018 07:06

Tight git. Very cheeky offer.

Friendslover · 05/02/2018 07:32

Using his card for any 'extra' you may need is not good imo. What happens if he disagrees with how much you're spending on it? Questions you continually about the use of it? Or there is nothing stopping him just saying 'sorry I haven't got any extra money this month because of x,y,z' that wouldn't sit well with me.

If he wants to move into a nice 3 bedroom house, he needs to pay for that!

Him moving in should not be at the financial detriment to your DC's.

Motherbear26 · 05/02/2018 07:58

Your instincts are telling you that this is wrong, please trust them. I think you should just carry on as you are for the time being. You and your dc’s have far more to lose than him with this arrangement.

Appuskidu · 05/02/2018 08:01

What do you want, OP? You seem to have a lot more to lose than him.

What did you say when he told you he wanted to move in and wanted to only pay £70-what was your reaction?

Most people-when discussing such things-would be asking, ‘what would you want me to pay?’

The fact that he hasn’t, says a lot. Does he think you’re stupid and will just roll over and do exactly as he wants out of gratitude of having a man!!

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2018 08:07

I think he’s living on a different planet. I think he’s taking the piss with that offer.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 05/02/2018 08:10

If it's to be an equal relationship and not one where one freeloads off the other then tell him to pay half of the rent, half of the grocery bills, half of the gas/electric/heating bill, half of landline phone bill, half of WiFi, half of share transport like taxis, and half of petrol, diesel for car, and tv subscription like sky/virgin etc

Basically tell him if he wants to move in as a partner and be like a family he can't move in as a lodger (by throwing £70 at you and expecting it to cover his share) tell him it has to be half of all bills, I would get it in writing and make him sign it for future, incase he won't pay towards any future bills

pinkpeter · 05/02/2018 08:12

Is he expecting you do do all his washing, cleaning and have his dinner ready when he gets in also? I BET HE IS!!!
Don't do it. Keep things as they are.
Or ask him for 50% of all the bills and he does all the cooking. See what he says then.

Snowysky20009 · 05/02/2018 08:12

When dp moved in with me and ds. He took over the rent, tv, sky, telephone and council tax. I paid gas, electric, water, car insurance. Food was whoever had the most money at the time of shopping!

WTFIsThisVirus · 05/02/2018 08:13

Is he going to he on the tenancy agreement? If he isn't, then you can ask him to contribute to the rent, but he doesn't have to.

However, I do think 70 a week is taking the piss.

PersianCatLady · 05/02/2018 08:14

I haven't read the whole thread but my 18 year old DS gives me £70 A week to live at home as it is far cheaper than living in halls.

For a grown man on a good wage to offer you the same is pathetic.

sixteenapples · 05/02/2018 08:15

As everyone has said this is a bad idea all round.
You will be financially worse off by losing tax credits and CTax discount - work out how much. (Housing benefit ?? Free school meals? Free prescriptions as you are a single parent?)
You will find bills go up, more showers/charging devices/water/cooking/laundry

You will have less space, you and your kids will have to share rooms/wardrobe space/bathroom

The food bill will almost double - I expect he eats more than you

Calculate the costs and work from there.

However - also think about your happy life with your children and how they will feel. Think about if you really want him to move in. Do you really love him? Is this forever? Is he a good person who will support you if push comes to shove?

This looks like a bad idea from all angles.
As previous posters have said just say that won't work at this time and move on