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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting bills AIBU

255 replies

Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 20:38

My boyfriend wants to live with me and we are talking about how to split bills. I live in a nice house with my 3 DC so he wants to come and live with us in our current property. I currently pay all the rent and all the household bills obviously. He proposes that he moves in and gives me £70 per week towards bills (he works full time and earns considerably more than me) and that he will give me a card to his account that I can draw extra money out if I need it. To me this feels demeaning. I don't want to ask him if I can draw extra money. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but it doesn't feel good. AIBU??

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 05/02/2018 08:17

Also if he does move in, ask your 'LL to add him to the tenancy as a Permitted Occupier not as another Tenant.

That way if you do split up further down the line, there don't be any difficulties getting him to leave your home.

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 08:19

By giving the OP his card (which may not last, anyway), he is telling her that the running of the Household (the Wifework) and the Mental Load will be hers to bare

Well, that's one possible interpretation but it's a very negative one. Presumably the OP actually like her boyfriend and wouldn't have him as a boyfriend if he was the type to think like this.

You could also argue that the fact he is suggesting giving his card to the OP shows just how much he trusts and respects her and how he doesn't want to put a fixed price on him becoming part of the household. For all anyone on here knows he may be thinking that the OP should spend as much as she needs and as that amount will vary having access to his account will be easiest and will mean the OP doesn't have to go and ask for more.

Only the OP know what her BF is like. Posters on this thread seem sure he is a cock lodger and for all I know he might be but i don't think it's a given from the information we have been told by the OP. I don't think I would think being given someone's card and access to their saving was the sign of someone being tight controlling.

I actually think the biggest issue here is that the OP wasn't able to sort this out with her bf straight away. You can't move someone into your house if you can't even discuss and resolve things like this with him.

Suebnm · 05/02/2018 08:21

How old is he? He's acting exactly like a teenager.

As someone who has been financially abused for years I'm on no moral high ground but please don't have your BF move in even if he 'ups his offer'. He has shown his financial irresponsibility and his true colours early on which is a blessing.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2018 08:27

'But if he wants to live with us hr at least has to cover the cost of what I'll lose in tax credits etc. I knew he was taking the kids just needed you all to help me realise just how much.'

You sound quite vulnerable, tbh, and he is definitely taking advantage of this. It's not just about what you'll lose in tax credits and council tax discount. It's the fact that he's handing you a card and expecting you to run the entire household with him in it, too. AND he is taking the piss. Bet you are doing all the cleaning and housework when he comes over, too.

He saw you coming, OP. You keep saying he wants to live with you all, he wants to move in.

He's pushing this at your kids' great financial loss.

Please learn to be more assertive.

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 08:28

Is he expecting you do do all his washing, cleaning and have his dinner ready when he gets in also? I BET HE IS!!!

Well he is a man after all .... and they are ALL BASTARDS. That's the Mumsnet party line isn't it. Look the guy could be awful, he could be one giant man child for all we know but he might not be. The OP is old enough to have teen kids and I'd hope she would be a little discerning about who she was moving in to her house.
We could make up all sorts of things about the OPs characteristics but it's probably helpful to base them on the information that the OP has given us.

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 08:58

This thread's an amazing demonstration of the sexism on MN.

So many assumptions made about this guy and mostly negative.

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 08:59

Sorry meant to say

.....We could all make up characteristics for the OPs boyfriend.......

expatinscotland · 05/02/2018 09:04

'This thread's an amazing demonstration of the sexism on MN.

So many assumptions made about this guy and mostly negative.'

Bollocks. If this were a man posting this about his GF people would say the same thing, especially about losing tax credits and single person council tax discount. A person who 'wants to move in' 'wants to stay with us' and is a high earner who then only offers a pittance for living costs is a piss-taker. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the other party would be out of pocket by such a suggestion.

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 09:10

I paid my mum £250pm when living at home in my early 20s!

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 09:10

And I was damn lucky!

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 09:16

expat

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the other party would be out of pocket by such a suggestion.

But you are ignoring the fact he is going to give the OP his bank card. Perhaps so that he can be sure she won't be out of pocket. Giving someone your bank card is a really odd thing to do if you want to screw someone over.

I'm not saying the guy is ok or not. I don't know but I don't think it's as clear cut as some people are assuming.

If he was ONLY giving £70 then he would fall into the cocklodger category but he isn't.

mummmy2017 · 05/02/2018 09:20

Ask him what it costs him to live where he lives now.

Then tell him you would have to rent the house even if you had no children.

You want half for each of the bills, and £50 a week for his food.
Remind him you will be cooking and doing his washing, that his child will be coming to stay, and maybe he might like to move to a bigger house so she has her own room with you.

Tell him the childrens money will be used to feed and clothe them, and his paying half the bills will account for the money you lose in Tax Credits due to his money upping the income of the house..

AJPTaylor · 05/02/2018 09:22

Fundamental principle of moving in together is that it saves you both money.

Queenofthestress · 05/02/2018 09:24

I don't even live with my dp and he still contributes to half the kids costs without me asking, £70 is an absolute piss take, that wouldn't even cover a quarter of my bills

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/02/2018 09:25

That's an easy decision for you then - it's a no. Opportunist. I wouldn't be happy with the card either, you'd be questioning yourself everytime you'd need to use it.

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/02/2018 09:28

I don’t think he should be paying 59% or rent and bills and shopping, they aren’t his kids.

However I don’t think you should live together yet. Keep things seaparate.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2018 09:28

'But you are ignoring the fact he is going to give the OP his bank card.'

She said 'a card', we have no idea what account it's for. Why not just put in more money every month because you'd have to be either very stupid or a pisstaker not to realise that £70/week for yourself (and your child EOW and hols) is ridiculous.

BackToThe90s · 05/02/2018 09:29

He's got to remember also that him living there will mean an extra shower everyday, more gas and electric possibly, council tax will go up if you currently get 25% single discount. It all adds up so your bills will go up by more each month.

tillytown · 05/02/2018 09:32

I don't get the people saying he shouldn't pay anything for the kids. If he wants to move in and play happy families, he is basically going to be their stepfather, stepfathers help support their stepchildren. If he doesn't want to do that, then he doesn't move in.

TryAgainAndAgain · 05/02/2018 09:33

expat

She said 'a card', we have no idea what account it's for.

🤷🏻‍♀️ We don't know but presumably a current account as he told her she would be able to draw out extra money if she needs it. I don't understand why everyone is ignoring 'the card'

expatinscotland · 05/02/2018 09:36

'I don't understand why everyone is ignoring 'the card''

They haven't. Because the OP says she will feel guilty about using it, and others pointed out that he can question her about withdrawing money for it, cut off funding for it, so it's not a sensible option.

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 05/02/2018 09:39

Why will she bring doing his washing and cooking??! What is happening on this thread?
Why should op be given a bank card and have to figure out budgeting and bills? Pass the wife work, it's all here.

eggncress · 05/02/2018 09:43

Sounds like a piss take..£70 per week is not much.
Do you think he will do his fair share of the chores without making out that he’s ‘helping’ you?
What do you think he will be like to live with ?

babyccinoo · 05/02/2018 09:48

Fundamental principle of moving in together is that it saves you both money.

CheesyWeez · 05/02/2018 09:51

Good point. He could rent a bigger house so his DD has a room. Then you could move in for £70 a week.

That was flippant but maybe that's a solution, if you want to live together then you could make a new start with his name on some of the utilities and an agreed approach to sharing finances.

It might be hard to agree and write out what the new arrangements are now, but it is much easier than trying to change an arrangement later down the line.

I'd say don't subject your kids to these changes unless you feel you're going to stay with him forever.