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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting bills AIBU

255 replies

Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 20:38

My boyfriend wants to live with me and we are talking about how to split bills. I live in a nice house with my 3 DC so he wants to come and live with us in our current property. I currently pay all the rent and all the household bills obviously. He proposes that he moves in and gives me £70 per week towards bills (he works full time and earns considerably more than me) and that he will give me a card to his account that I can draw extra money out if I need it. To me this feels demeaning. I don't want to ask him if I can draw extra money. I'm not sure how it makes me feel but it doesn't feel good. AIBU??

OP posts:
cherryontopp · 04/02/2018 22:41

£280 a month is a piss take. I would say at least £400 and he still contributes towards the food.

I dont agree with posters who say he should be paying everything 50/50 with you. Theres 4 of you and 1 of him.

Yes council tax/mortgage would be the same if you had no children, but gas/electric/food/toiletries wouldn't be.

Appuskidu · 04/02/2018 22:42

What an arse!

Where does he live now?

Petalflowers · 04/02/2018 22:43

My son will be moving out soon,a no we have been looking at renting a room in the town he is moving to. They vary between £300-500 (including basic bills such as heating, water etc),but obviously not insurance, food, etc. £70per week is nothing.

I get that if he lives with you and your three children he doesn’t pay everything, but £280 per month!

BashStreetKid · 04/02/2018 22:44

I don't see why he should pay half, given the presence of the children in the house, but equally £70 a week is taking the piss. Ask him what he's currently paying, which will obviously be way more than that, and then ask him why he thinks the cost of living for him will drop so dramatically just because he moves in with you.

Cliveybaby · 04/02/2018 22:46

@Wallywobbles I feel like we'd get on IRL...

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 04/02/2018 22:54

£280 a month is unlikely to cover the loss of child benefit, tax credits and a single persons discount on CT. You’d be worse off before you even factor in the additional cost of an extra person in the household.

I disagree that he shouldn’t help towards the cost of the children. 50/50 or nothing.
Bet he’ll want all the housework and washing done for him too... well you’re doing it anyway OP.....

Inertia · 04/02/2018 22:56

Do you want him to move in? It's not actually his decision to make.

Sara107 · 04/02/2018 22:56

Well, I don't think he should be paying half - surely the children's father is paying maintenance towards their upkeep. But definitely not a small fixed sum with facility to beg for more. I would suggest a joint account for running the household, and you both pay an agreed contribution into it - enough to cover all the expenses such as rent, utilities, groceries, and a bit towards unexpected expenses. And including the cost of his daughter staying.

BewareOfDragons · 04/02/2018 22:57

You'd be financially better off taking in a lodger who would pay more than that! And I believe lodger income is tax free.

He's definitely taking the piss. Ridiculous 'offer'. Say no. He will end up costing you money.

Original poster
Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 22:57

Thanks for all the replys. He doesn't live with his mum so is fully aware of how much it costs to live in the real world. I don't expect him to pay for all my kids. But if he wants to live with us hr at least has to cover the cost of what I'll lose in tax credits etc. I knew he was taking the kids just needed you all to help me realise just how much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morgan14 · 04/02/2018 22:58

Taking the piss* not kids Confused

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 04/02/2018 22:59

I expect he arrived at the figure of £70 by estimating your total cost and dividing by 5 - thinking that you would cover yourself and your children and he would just cover himself.

Whether that's rude and unreasonable of him depends on how much he knows about tax credits etc. He may just not realise that it will cost you if he moves in.

I think he's offered too little but not necessarily intentionally - it could just be a combination of not knowing about benefit rules and not feeling part of the family enough to feel he's responsible for the children yet.

Gemini69 · 04/02/2018 22:59

I honestly would not let him move in.... Flowers

manicinsomniac · 04/02/2018 22:59

I'm puzzled by the posts saying he should pay 'at least half' or '£600 at least'. Why should he pay more than half??

AdoraBell · 04/02/2018 23:00

Sorry, haven’t read every post, but you said he wants to move in have you asked him to move in? Your OP reads like he has decided he’ll move into your home. So does he have a home himself, or is he kind of in limbo?

blueletter · 04/02/2018 23:01

i would run OP.

The simple fact he wants to live with you but doesnt feel he should pay more than £70 a week is a joke.

He does understand, right, that when he takes on you its kids and all? that he effectively becomes step dad and the responsibility of housing and clothing the children also becomes partly his right?

I dont give two fucks what others think but if you start a relationship with a woman with children you know full well that the relationship is with them also Moving in with them means you are agreeing to become a provider for them too regardless of any absent parent paying CSA for them or having them overnight etc etc.

Decent men chip in their fair share. They treat the step kids as though they were their own. They share the bills fairly (not equally because equal doesn't always mean fair etc) ESP if the woman is set to lose income by him moving in.

he wants a leg over and cheap rent not a committed serious partnership.

Also OP if he is paying CMS via the CMS service him moving in with you and him claiming to help support your children who I assume live with you full time gets him a reduction in CMS payments if I remember correctly. They take into account other children he may have or may be looking after. I would seriously consider his motives here but I have my fingers crossed hes a clueless dozy sod rather than a tightfisted pillock.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 04/02/2018 23:01

The reason people are saying more than half is because the current costs will go up not only by the loss of tax credits etc but by another person in the household.

AdoraBell · 04/02/2018 23:02

Just seen your last post, that’ll teach me RTFT 😁

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2018 23:16

This does need a serious rethink, as said.

Also when you split (or if) you might not get TC for all three children, so it will put you I hardship whereas he will just carry on as he was.

I suspect that "use my card" won't pan out and you will be questioned why you need it etc.

Your 14 year old has intense years coming up, he doesn't need upset in the house. How is he around your teenager? Does he stay and pitch in as though he is a member of the family?

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2018 23:17

Also it isn't really about money, its more whether he sees you as one family and true life Partners.

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/02/2018 23:21

if he wants to live with us hr at least has to cover the cost of what I'll lose in tax credits etc

And cover the increase in bills, food etc. Will you lose child benefit if he’s on a high income? And if it’s cheaper for him to cohabit surely it should be cheaper for you, too? And of course you’ll need an agreement about him pulling his own weight around the house.

Also, don’t forget that if this fails you’ll likely have to claim universal credit instead of tax credits, which is lower (particularly if you have any savings). Tread very, very carefully.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 04/02/2018 23:21

Tell him you can’t wait for you all to move in together and be a family. Find a nice house so he can contribute for him and his daughter and you contribute for you and your three. Watch him run....
At least half the rent plus what you lose for the joy of living with him or reconsider!

£70 - tosser!

Loonoon · 04/02/2018 23:31

I agree with the PP who suggests 40% of everything would be an equitable amount and if he had offered that I would be saying 'accept it', after all he is under no obligation to provide financially for another mans children.

However, he didn't offer that. He offered a derisory £70 a week. My 22 DC paid nearly double that when he moved back home after uni. It represented 25% of his takehome pay and we set it low to enable him to save for his own place.

The fact that your DP earns well yet is being so tight and begrudging even before you start on a shared life and blended family together is shocking to me. It sounds as if you don't have similar values and priorities and I would urge you to reconsider living with him.

needmysleep75 · 04/02/2018 23:32

I agree with everyone else that £70 is ridiculous but I would take the following into consideration. Do you rent or is the house yours? If it is yours do you want him to be able to try and claim anything from it if things go wrong? Ensure you have paperwork in place to cover yourself. Do yourself a spreadsheet just household bills apart from council tax the rest shouldn't really change. Half that then add a % for food. Show him the actual bills. My food bill is about £25 per week per person. I never expected my now husband to pay anything towards my daughter, she is mine and her dad's responsibility. He does and treats her as his own but it was never expected of him. If he doesn't see the light then don't let him move in!

Allthewaves · 04/02/2018 23:33

You need to sit down and hammer this all out before he moves in. Do not get joint bank accounts - keep everything in your name and he transfer money when he gets paid to you and tell him to keep his bank card.

I'd say £550 for bills as that half as you stated plus £50 a week food - upped to £80 when his dd stays. So £600 a month. But will that be enough to cover benefit shortfall that you are going to lose?