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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
proudbrows · 04/02/2018 19:55

Well done for asking for some money back OP! I’m sure when you got up the total it will strengthen your resolve to definitely not lend any more!!!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 04/02/2018 20:15

In the words of Grange Hill - "Just say no!" You are being taken for a ride.

Sierra259 · 04/02/2018 20:18

Thanks for the updates OP. Fingers crossed you get your £200 next week! Though as a pp suggested, the cynic in me feels that if you do it's only because she wants to keep you on-side for further requests!

You idea of tallying up what she owes in total is a good one. I don't think she'll ever pay it back, but hopefully it will shock you into standing your ground with a firm "NO!" in future.

Giraffey1 · 04/02/2018 20:23

I do think it is unlikely you will see most of the money again, it has been going on for too long and you’ve never asked for any of the cash to be repaid. You’ve created a world where your sister asks you for money knowing you’ll never question it or ask for it back.

It will be hard, but I would be tempted to say ... hello sister, I realise the over the last X years I’ve lent you £xyz. You’ve yet to pay any of these loans back. It’s not my job to fund your lifestyle so please don’t ask me for any more money as I shan’t be lending you any more. I realise that [total amount I’ve lent you over the years] will be a big sum for you to pay back in one go. So I suggest you pay me back at £20/30/40 a week until the debt is cleared.

LML83 · 04/02/2018 20:25

Well done OP. I think chasing for the current £200 is a good way if setting a boundary. She may never pay it back bit will make her realise there is no more freebies.

Also think it is a good idea to add up the total to help you realise how much it is and has to stop. But I wouldn't chase her for this in case it does ruin your relationship. Of course you are entitled too get it back but I sense you don't want an awkwardness between you and you obviously care else you wouldn't have loaned money so often.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 04/02/2018 22:14

So I have started my totalling up. Statements online only go back to the start of 2015. Nevertheless it's just over £5000 for 2015-18. I have requested the other statements to finish finding out. I am going to go back to when my dad passed away. That's when I started to be asked. In three years (2015, 16 and 17) she only ever repaid £150. The missing statements will complete the picture. I know that there was a lot going on in 2013/14.
You are all absolutely right. It was a huge wake up call. I am an idiot. I am staggered that I even managed to do it and I am angry. You are right. I am bloody annoyed at myself. There was maybe a time when she was the only breadwinner after her partner had his accident in 2014 and I was very worried about her. She was under enormous pressure. But that is some time ago now and the requests haven't stopped. You are right that it has been too easy for her to put out her hand and receive. It has made me determined never to do this again. If I don't make her balance her own books, she never will. She is over 40 and an adult. The thing that niggles at me if that I feel sure that she wouldn't have done it for me.
God, you can all flame me for my stupidity.
I will have to decide how to broach the subject. I want to do this without alienating her. Believe it or not, I would hate to lose my sister. I hope we can work it out without the whole nc thing.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/02/2018 22:20

Nobody’s going to flame you for trying to be kind and upholding a promise to your dad OP. Flowers

However it’s time to stop. Get a total figure and keep it handy. Each time she asks for money say ‘do you do know sister from x date to now I have lent you a total of x amount of pounds. I can’t lend you anymore and would like you to start paying back what’s you owe. Would you prefer a payment plan?’. Rinse and repeat.

She’ll stop asking.

NapQueen · 04/02/2018 22:21

Assuming it all comes in at 8k, she could set up a standing order of 150per month and pay you back over 4.5 years.

If she can afford to "pull out" 200 next week she can afford 150 a month.

Gemini69 · 04/02/2018 22:22

I just want to say credit to you for actually sitting down and looking at the amount of money you have 'lent' her.... that would have been difficult reading.... and you're not finished yet ..

I'm also glad you've shared this information with your Husband.. I think telling him has given you the strength.. to right this wrong....

stay focused and the only way you'll lose your sister .. is if she decides she's not giving you your money back and is humiliated and angry you'd even ask...

You are not wrong in any of this situation... remember that Flowers

peachdribble · 04/02/2018 22:25

You have to say : pay me back; I cannot lend you anymore. This reminds me of addictive behaviour, possibly gambling; any addiction is a manipulative disease; check out the forums on gamblers anonymous sites to work out if the pattern fits, and if so then follow their advice. In the mean time remember that lending her money is simply enabling her illness - even if she’s just over spending a crap with money - either way she needs to take control of her problem and stop making it yours! Good luck

fannyanddick · 04/02/2018 22:30

It sounds like you've made the right decision. You have been finding her holidays with money that you could be using for your own family / even saving for your child's future education.

fannyanddick · 04/02/2018 22:30

Funding

Petalflowers · 04/02/2018 22:34

Well done to,you on making your decesion. You were there when your sister needed you, ie. during her partner’s accident, but now, you realise she is taking advantage.

Teacher22 · 04/02/2018 22:34

You will never see that money again and if you refuse to lend more your sister is not going to be ‘hurt’, she will be angry. You have been the victim in an abusive situation and you need to be aware of it. Getting free is going to be painful for both of you but if it is any consolation it is exactly what your sister needs. You have been funding her dysfunction and she needs to get free of it, as do you.

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/02/2018 22:48

If she does ever ask again, get out that statement and say
"2015, £x
2016, £x
Minus payment of £150
Etc.
Then pause and say "that is x amount over x years and only £x paid back.
No. We cannot afford to subsidise your lifestyle any more. Please don't ask again as it will cause bad feeling when we say no".
Even if she gets herself in a mess again it is not your responsibility.
She will have to learn the hard way.
I am sure your Dad would be proud that you have done what he was unable to, to say no.
As her sister, you will be there for her, support her emotionally etc. But this does not mean you will be her cash cow.
She needs to grow up.

proudbrows · 04/02/2018 23:07

Omg! And she’s been going on holidays and you haven’t been able to! So you’ve been paying for her to go away whilst sacrificing your own family holidays! Just omg!

Teacher22 · 04/02/2018 23:08

Nobody could blame you for being a kind and generous sister. You did the right thing at the time. However, things have moved on from her initial emergency and she needs to learn to be independent and to respect you as a person and not a first resort for cash.

Be kind. Be polite but say no.

FrancisCrawford · 04/02/2018 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/02/2018 23:41

Five. Thousand. Pounds. Shock

Good luck OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2018 05:18

From what you were saying it was going to be mamouth. It was at least £100 a month, which equates to £6k in 5 years.

Are you going to ask her to pay you back? This amount is enough for a bloody good holiday.

Drknittingfrog · 05/02/2018 05:52

I can't imagine having that kind of relationship with my sister op how stressful for you. When you find out the total I would tell her also even if you agree with your DH to write it off. She probably has no clue how much that amounts to over the years and I hope will be equally shocked and ashamed. Good luck op!

baublesnbubbles · 05/02/2018 06:14

The most telling thing is your statement that 'I don't want to loose her'
Effectively you have been paying to stay on her good side ie not the side that gets the tongue lashing and spiteful words and long silences ?? Am i right ? Is this what you fear losing ?
You have to pay your sister for loyalty and love ? You know you can't buy that commodity right ?
You know your sister may not be capable of that ?
Bottom line I think will be there will be a huge bust up when you ask for the money (no matter how long you agonise over doing it nicely - i suggest you have your dh present when you do ask her - as witness and for support.
I think you have to be prepared to loose her for a while - it s likely she will flounce and call you out on plenty of hurtful things - not least 'you can afford it',
She has taken you for a mug and she ll likely not let that go easily.

littlebillie · 05/02/2018 06:45

I would estimated how much she owes with dates and write that she said it was a loan. Write out your repayment expectations and with out emotion or reason explain there will be no further loans. She may never discuss it again any if she does you have a premise for an adult conversation

littlebillie · 05/02/2018 06:47

She sounds immature and she will fall out with probably briefly

Original poster
user1486472583 · 05/02/2018 07:09

You are right Baublesnbubbles. I am afraid of her reaction. She can be snappy and hurtful. Mostly because she is anxious, I suppose. But I have come this far and I will find an opportunity to ask for the money. I imagine it's closer to £10000. I gave her my (9 year old) car during her troubles and paid for dad's funeral. Not adding those things because I wanted to do them.
But thank you all. I hadn't realised how much this was preying on my mind.
I am even prepared for some NC.
It's her partner that annoys me. Sitting there with Sky TV etc and not finding a part time job. He could repay me in a year!
Have truly got my back up.

OP posts: