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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 09:52

That’s fantastic! Have you made a note of the other amounts you “lent” her?

Lizzie48 · 04/02/2018 09:53

I'm also sceptical, but hopefully she'll prove me wrong. We used to get all sorts of promises from my friend that she would pay us back. She even set up a standing order for £50 a month for a while but that stopped after a few months and we'll never get the rest back now.

But I may well be wrong, she's your sister so you're the one who knows her. (Although I'd known my friend for 20 years, and apparently didn't know her at all.)

MyBoysAndI · 04/02/2018 09:55

If l don't think she will she pays you back the £200 l think the following week you need to ask for the amount you "lent" her before that

elisenbrunnen · 04/02/2018 09:57

I think I'll be surprised if she does actually repay it. I bet it will go in circles 'can I have my £200 back?' - 'yep, next week/cheque's in the post....'

And 'BTW can you lend me £100 this week? I'll pay you the £300 next week...'

Angry
MyBoysAndI · 04/02/2018 09:58

I also feel that you have really let your husband (and children?) down. As you said previously, you haven't had holiday and your house needs work. So whilst you have all been living like that you have been paying her to have nice thing's.

I think it's actually really sad that you have allowed your sister to come before your immediate family.

I'm sure if this was your DH doing this with a sibling MN would be shouting LTB.

ElsieMc · 04/02/2018 10:17

Well done op. Whilst she may not pay it back, she has acknowledged by text that it was a "loan" by suggesting she will pay it back next week. Wait til the end of next week and ask her where the money is. Tell her you and dh need it for a specific purpose and must have it asap.

She will hope that you will have forgotten about it next week as she is buying herself time.

My eldest dd is like this. Everyone lends her money and I know the horrible sick feeling when you are asked again. Before Christmas she saw a bigger house she wanted to rent and she does need a larger house. But - she had no deposit and the house was absolutely awful. She rang me five times in one day. Landlady clearly not using an agent because they had told her to sort out serious issues. The pressure to give her £700 right on Christmas was enormous and she was horrible to her sister and me. I stuck to my guns this time because I am simply not putting my cash into the hands of a rogue landlady. She was furious and said the family "couldn't be happy for her".

I found it best to ignore the issue. She did point out that somebody else had taken the property and I responded that the landlady had found a suitable victim then for her cold, rancid property which we would undoubtedly have to work on.

You have taken a big step forward and your dh can now support you in saying a big, fat no.

BakedBeans47 · 04/02/2018 10:18

For gods sake stop giving her money!

BakedBeans47 · 04/02/2018 10:19

Sorry not rtft

alotalotalot · 04/02/2018 10:27

You've made your sisters needs more important than your dps, your child's and your own needs. That's not right.

If and when you talk to yours sister, tell her that dp knows all about the "loans" and wants them to start being repaid. I'm sure he won't mind being blamed. The £200 is a good start you won't really see it Even if she does repay it, then don't ever give her any more. From now on you and dh stand as a team and say no. Blame him as the meanie if it's easier for you.

Motoko · 04/02/2018 10:49

I hope she does repay the £200, but people like her, do whatever they can to avoid it. Expect something to suddenly come up, needing new tyres on the car, washing machine breaking so she needs to buy a new one etc. She'll then promise that she will have the money on payday and will pay it back then.
Each time a deadline comes, there will be some reason why she can't pay you at that time and she'll hope you'll eventually stop asking.

Still, at least she knows now that she can't get any more money from you, so if she doesn't pay you back, you will still be better off.

WineAndTiramisu · 04/02/2018 11:07

A point I don't think has been made so far... Add up what you're lending her, from the looks of it, it's at least £100-200 a month?
Use an online calculator to work out, with compound interest, how much that would be in a savings account for your toddler when they reach 18, might steel your resolve slightly to stop "lending" money to your sister!

Softkitty2 · 04/02/2018 11:41

When next week comes. Expect to be paid. If she delays. Chase it up.

Remember its the actual payment that counts and not her intention of paying.

Then set out a monthly/weekly payment plan for the rest.

DiscotequeJuliet · 04/02/2018 12:32

That's positive. I hope she is true to her word!

BrightBurn · 04/02/2018 12:36

Bloody hell! Your sister doesn't need to borrow any money from you if she can afford to go away several times a year! Grow a backbone and say no FFS!

It's your DH I feel sorry for.

RedDogsBeg · 04/02/2018 12:40

Hopefully she will pay you back next week but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't, there will be some excuse an unexpected bill or some such nonsense then it will be the guilt trip, be prepared OP and stand your ground - this gravy train needs to stop.

gamerchick · 04/02/2018 12:42

‘If’ she does pay it back (and she might to keep you sweet for more loans as now you’ll see she’ll pay it back) bring up another loan straight after you want back. Keep asking her for money and she’ll start to avoid you. This will never end unless you learn to say no.

category12 · 04/02/2018 12:46

Op, had you (or your dad) ever asked for repayment before?

Original poster
user1486472583 · 04/02/2018 12:51

I will stand my ground. There won't be any more. And I will chase for the £200. The situation is much different now than 10 years ago when she might have been homeless. But now she is just like anyone else. It's up to her if she doesn't insist that her partner works but she must accept the consequences and not expect me to make up the difference. I agree with you all.
I have thought about going back over my bank statements to see the total owed. I'm not sure if I can give her a statement! I don't see her ever paying it unless she gets a windfall.

You have made me see what I have done. I have placed fulfilling a promise to my dad over my responsibilities to my family and I am ashamed of myself. It won't happen again.
Thank you to everyone for sharing similar situations.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 04/02/2018 12:56

Never 'lend' money you can't afford to lose. Or to people who haven't paid you back. Or who wouldn't lend/give to you
I would write off what she owes but tell her you are not giving/lending any more and stick to it. If she keeps on tell her to speak to your husband.
No need to fall out, be friendly but firm, don't get in an argument about it, don't be upset about it, just say no.

Sweetpea55 · 04/02/2018 13:02

You're lending her money to stop her feelings from being hurt???
Really OP....really? You seem very kind and caring but also blind to the CF in front of you.
You and your partner are both working to fund your sister,
Get a grip

flumpybear · 04/02/2018 13:05

Tot up what she owes you and say you're planning g in sorting your home out and booking a much needed holiday - perhaps it's time she bought a smaller home in a cheaper area and pay back her debts

I have borrowed money from my brother before, once from memory, so I could extend my PhD for 3 months but still pay my mortgage, he was a doctor so had loads of money - I paid it all back within 6 months of working after my PhD so - essentially she lives too richly for her income and they need to sort themselves not just let everyone else sort themselves out so they live like kings - cheeky fucker sister!

alotalotalot · 04/02/2018 13:10

You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. That's far too strong a reaction. Just an acknowledgement that your priorities were wrong from a misplaced sense of loyalty. In other words you were being too nice.

Don't dwell on it. Get her to pay back what you can, but if not then put it down to experience and don't lend her any more.

CoffeeOrSleep · 04/02/2018 13:34

I actually think you should go through and add it up, for your own sake. She'll never repay it, but if you can see the full total, it should help you mentally - particularly if she starts asking for more money and claiming she's paid back what she owes because she's paid back this £200.

SharronNeedles · 04/02/2018 13:38

I would just say something like:
Look sis we need to have a difficult conversation. Over the last X years you have borrowed X amount of money. I'm now in a position where I am struggling. My house needs major work and we need a family holiday. As you know we haven't been able to take one for so many years because I've not had any spare cash.
I really need you to start paying me back. I've helped you out for so many years and I feel a bit taken advantage of. How would you like to do this?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 04/02/2018 14:02

She'll never repay it, but if you can see the full total, it should help you mentally

That's actually really good advice from Coffee. I know how easy it is to fall into thinking "well, I'd hate to see them on their uppers when I could help without too much of a struggle". So then you find yourself giving 100 one month (well, it's back to school time of year and new shoes, uniforms etc all add up), 50 the next (delay with wages going into account/lost bank card), then you pay off (allegedly unexpected) bill a few months later (well you couldn't see them with no heating through the winter, your poor dns don't deserve that).

When you actually tot up what you've given you realise it's thousands!! You kind of need that shock to strengthen your resolve. Also, it helps you remember you have nothing to feel guilty about when you say no in the future - you've helped and helped, over and over, you are not mean or uncaring or a bad person for deciding no more.