AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

[user1486472583]

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

I'm glad you're finding your anger, OP!

I am NC with a demanding sibling. It's surprisingly easy when you know your value to them is only monetary.

Well finding your anger seems a positive way forward. If no one has told her no then she will also get angry. Point out that there has been one payment of £150 for a debt of let’s say 10k. Ask her how she thinks that would work with a bank rather than the family bank. She will point out her husband’s illness etc. Most people don’t like to hear no.
You also need to tell her how you and your dh are actually pissed off that despite working you haven’t had a holiday. 10k would make a bloody lovey trip away.

I'm virtually NC with my brother, who is seriously mentally ill, because of childhood traumas he and my DSis and I went through. I just can't cope with him, and he shouts at my DDs. I know it's not his fault but I think my DM has enabled him by constantly bailing him out and infantilising him.

When he calls I don't answer, my DH deals with him. My DM tells me that he's hurt, and I feel bad. She says she understands but then keeps telling me this.

It's called FOG, that is fear, obligation, guilt. You can follow the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, it's for people with toxic families, and is very helpful.

I'm glad you are angry OP.

But essentially you are paying money, your own, your DPs, your dc hard earned money, to keep your sister from being a bitch to you.

It will be telling, how she acts when you say 'no' for the first time.

And I'll be gob-smacked if you get your £200 this week.

Just be careful when your sister does repay you some money as this may be used as leverage to extract more money from you in the future. My DB pays a small amount back when I stop ‘lending’ him money. He then ramps up the guilt trip the next times he wants to be ‘lent’ money as why won’t I as he ‘paid it back the last time’ forgetting about the other x 1000 occasions he hasn’t paid it back!

You definitely need to stop financing your sister. Why does her partner not work? Surely he should be her firstcacyion to try to address their finances. Tell he she would perhaps manage if contributed more. Why does she need the money and has been borrowing for so long? Tell her your funds are now so low there is no way you can give her any more and was thinking of having to ask her to pay some back. She needs a wakening up!

God, you can all flame me for my stupidity.

No OP - we shouldn't.

You've made a mistake, recognised that you were being taken advantage of, and have taken steps to rectify the matter.

You know you were foolishly indulgent with her, but that's in the past. Don't beat yourself up. You have been MASSIVELY COURAGEOUS to tell your DH, and to take a stand against your sister.

It's not easy. You love her and feel responsible for her because that is what life taught you to feel. But you aren't - she is a grown-up, and now you recognise that your DH and DC are the important things.

Anything life-threatening, of course help her out again. Any financial worries - and that includes re=possession and/or bankruptcy - are HER and her DP's responsibility.

I hope you get at least some of your money back, but if not, just let that phase of your relationship go and don't let it eat away at you.

Anger is good if it prompts you to take action, which it has; if it becomes bitterness and resentment it will ruin you life. You deserve better, and so do your DH and DC.

You don't need to buy your sister's love OP.

She will initially fall out with you op, But she will be back. The relationship is very one sided and although you say you do not want to lose her, lose what exactly? A sister who is always tapping you up for money and has little respect for you despite your kindness. I found my dd is more respectful of me when I began to say a big fat no. I felt bad about myself when I gave her more and more.

I would total up what you have loaned her over the years. You need to tell her this figure. Tell her you have left out the car and funeral costs which makes you generous to a fault.

Tell her that your dh is aware, it is joint money and you need it to be repaid. You will struggle believe me. Even if you set up a payment plan, I am sure she will default. But at least try op and try to get some of it back. Good luck.

Tell her the Figure oustanding.. tell her you DH is aware.... tell her you want to discuss a repayment plan.... tell her it's game over

Funeral costs should have come out of your father's estate, not your own pocket

....or had your sister already bled him dry of all his resources

Yes, Prettybird. His bank account was overdrawn.

I was aware that he helped her out but I didn't think it was so much. But I don't begrudge giving my dad a good funeral. If my DSIS did not exist, I would have done it for him just the same. I don't care about that cost. That was different. Last thing that I could do properly for him.
Yes. When/if I get this £200 back on Wednesday, I will tell her the full amount if I have the statements from 2013 and 14 by then.

Let us know how it works out. Good luck.

My parents are constantly bailing my brother out financially. It would be easy for both my sister and me to fall into the same trap. However, we have made it clear we won't be continuing when they are no longer around.

I think he is in for a shock.

I think that you have been let down by your dad too, sorry. I flicked back to your OP and saw that he was living with you and you were subsidising his costs. That was your gift to your dad, fine - but rather than perhaps putting a bit of money aside and giving you something nice when he could, he was giving it to your sister.

Who would look after you if things went wrong for you? I think you would find it would be your DH and, in later life, your children. They should be the recipients of the fruits of your hard work.

You have done enough for your sister by supporting her when she was going through a time of trouble. Don't feel guilty about what you are doing now.

Well done on tackling it OP.
If her DH is a good DIY-er, could he replay it in work for you if your house needs things doing?
Might be worth asking, as I doubt you'll get the money back any other way.

You sound like a really kind person, OP. Well done for standing up for yourself, though! You are right and it is time for your sister to stand on her own two feet. That is so much money out of your family budget. Hopefully in future you will be spending money on your own family (or saving it) and not on hers.

Some great advice on here. It seems that looking at how much it adds up to has been a wake up call. I am pleased to hear you won't be paying for her lifestyle any more, you are doing the right thing. Keep strong.

"Mostly because she is anxious, I suppose." I'd wager not - that she only behaves that way when she's not getting HER way.

How did it go today?

Well she has repaid the £200. As you say, I don't know if she would have done if I hadn't asked but, anyway, it's back.
I am a bit more determined to try and get some of the other back too (£6700) - more than when I started this thread because you are right. DH says there is no point as she won't repay it but will not allow any further loans to her.
Do I ask her anyway? I have been running a non-confrontational email through my head to broach the subject. Do I do what DH says or try to recoup some money? What would you do?

Yes, I think you should attempt to recoup the money you have lent her, at the time you lent it it was agreed as a loan not a gift. Does she realise how much money she has 'borrowed' from you? It is a large sum.

I think you should broach the subject with her and make it clear that no further 'loans' will be made and you expect her to clear the outstanding balance and that you want a regular, agreed monthly payment. Your sister needs to stop viewing you as a cash cow as she did with your father.

It will be difficult but I think you should at the very least try to recoup the money.

Yes I would try to get it back.
Maybe phrase it like - OK sis, been looking back and I've lent you a total of 6700 that you have never repaid.
You now know I'm in a hole and need some money so can we work out a repayment plan?
£200 per month for the next 2 yrs 9 months. How does that sound?
Obviously would be great to have it sooner but I understand we are all struggling so thought this sounded fair.
We can have a chat about it over a bottle of wine if you fancy a get together! ???

Yes you should ask for it back even if it means she won’t dare ask for any more.

“Hi Sis,

Thank you for repaying the £200 - I hope it helped you out.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but DH have just been going over our funds and I’ve realised just how much is outstanding from past loans you had. We probably need to tackle this before it gets forgotten.

I’ve got all the details if you want to compare notes. Can we chat about this soon?

Lots of love”

DON'T say it's because you desperately need it - that's not the point, the point is it's not her money and she owes it back.