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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
MapleLeafRag · 04/02/2018 14:12

Hopefully this is the end of you being used as a free cash point. I don't think you will actually see much of that £200 back.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 04/02/2018 14:22

I will tot it up tonight. I will go back to when dad died 5 years ago. I think you are right. It will probably shock me and confirm that enough is enough. If I can get the statements together, I will post the total tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2018 14:29

What are you going to do when you have totted it up? Do you have any agreements to repay via text or email?

By the sound of it you value the relationship over the money, which is what she’s been playing on for so long. What does your dh say about it?

Graphista · 04/02/2018 14:50

I think you'll get a hell of a shock.

My sister (I am nc but not because of just this) is also ridiculously irresponsible with money.

My parents always bail her out, she is a single mum to 3 DC and doesn't work but has a new car, several holidays and long weekends away a year, dresses DC in expensive clothes and shoes, buys branded groceries and goes nuts at birthdays and Christmas on presents for DC.

I've given up saying anything to parents, more fool them.

My mum is genuinely worried that when they die and are no longer around to bail her out she'll end up homeless/bankrupt (she won't - she'll find some other mug to bankroll her - not me).

Does your sis have DC? Do her and her partner actually need the size/quality/location of home they have? I highly doubt it - meanwhile you and your family are struggling. She CERTAINLY doesn't "need" several holidays a year. And I bet her clothes and shoes and haircuts and food are all high quality too?

Plus her partner sounds more than capable of working.

How old is she? She needs to grow the fuck up do a budget and stick to it!

Is she working?

I hope when you calculate the full amount you get ANGRY because she has CONNED you.

She's not loving, kind etc she just knows what side her breads buttered!!

RedDogsBeg · 04/02/2018 15:01

Don't feel ashamed OP, you were being kind unlike your sister and have been somewhat blinded by love and familial loyalty.

If it stops now and you can have a reasonable conversation with your sister then you may be able to have an equal and more respectful relationship but this will require a lot of work on her part.

jacks11 · 04/02/2018 15:27

I would also say that the fact you have to ask for repayment on this loan tells you a lot about your sister.

She can pay you back £200 next week? If she can pay it back, then why didn't she do so automatically? Why did you have to ask? And would she have volunteered if you hadn't asked (unlikely IMHO)? So she could afford to pay you back, but has chosen not to bother until asked... As I said, tells me a lot about your sister and how she sees you, OP.

Same goes for other loans- no apology/explanation given. I think she sees you as a cash cow. I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship. At the very least your sister is taking advantage (being generous perhaps this is subconsciously- though I doubt it), but more likely she has been pretty unscrupulous- asking for loans, with no intention of repaying.

FrancisCrawford · 04/02/2018 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/02/2018 16:30

You may or may not get any money back, but that really doesn't matter. (You'd pretty much written that off anyway.)

The important thing is that you've let her know that you are not she sort of magic Porridge Pot that provides her with everything she wants.

It can't have been easy - you had to tell your DH, and then lay the law down to her. It was stressful and worrying for you, but you bit the bullet, your DH (who must have been shocked) didn't throw any blame at you, but just said that it had to stop. (I think he must be very well aware of how manipulative your sister can be)

The hard bit is out of the way. All you have to do now is say "NO" to any further requests, and remind her periodically of what she owes you, and ask about a payment plan.

If you get anything back, it's a bonus - but you have stopped haemorrhaging cash, and you no longer have to worry about telling your DH (I would have found this the hardest part).

Don't beat yourself up over the past - you tried to do your best for her, and she took advantage. You are not a bad person for being kind.

Just go forward into the future with your new, improved response to sob-stories and weeping and wailing.

Mysteriouscurle · 04/02/2018 16:39

Oh dear OP. You need sadly, to become a little bit more cynical and less trusting. If your sister had a windfall you'd not see her for dust. Nor any of your money either Sad its not your fault. Your sister is a selfish horrible person who is using you.

CatsMother66 · 04/02/2018 17:29

Lots of good advice here. I have been in a similar situation where my sil and DB were phoning up every month for money. My DB to pay the bills, my sil to continue her spending on clothes and luxuries. Both were to blame but basically my DB could not keep up with Sil’s spending. As both my elderly parents and I contributed, this seemed to become part of their income and became expected! I was worried that my parents would loose everything if it continued at the rate it was! They split up heavily in debt and DB took on all the debt while Sil had the equity in the house ( long since spent). My DB felt terrible whilst all this went on and insists on paying me back. He set up a DD and has been paying for a number of years. Terrible situation to be in and very hard to say no especially when children are involved. However you need to be cruel to be kind, they will never learn how to manage money if they never have to.

TeresaEdPsych · 04/02/2018 17:51

This is good advice. Prepare her then you won't feel so bad when you say no the next time she asks.

dementedmummy · 04/02/2018 17:55

Sounds to me like your sis has a gambling problem. Short term desperation for cash but can still go on hols? Sounds like she's using you to get her gambling fix

smilingontheinside · 04/02/2018 18:00

Sorry but she doesn't love you she uses you! It seems that you lend her money because you are afraid of losing her if you don't, that is not love. Your dad started the problem by bailing her out and now she expects you to do the same. You have 2 options keep lending her money and never seeing it again but buying her"love" OR stop lending her money and see if the love is real or if she only uses you to fund her lifestyle. If your oh finds out it could cause all sorts of problems in your relationship and I doubt very much she would be there to help you. So stop now and use your money for you and yours or stay awake at night worrying. Sorry but she's a "user" Angry

wizzywig · 04/02/2018 18:01

She may pay you the £200 next week to trick you into thinking she is a safe person to lend to again in the future. She is lovely and kind because she has to keep you on side

number1wang · 04/02/2018 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellyess · 04/02/2018 18:11

Dear User 148647etc Please stop "lending" her money and ask her to repay some, a substantial amount. If asking to her face is difficult, write a letter. Tell her you need the money back now because the house needs attention and it has to be done. I have been in your position. The family member was angry at first and tried a lot of emotional blackmail. But I was repaid and now we have a good relationship with her respecting me more. Good luck. Stick to it - no more lending and ask for the money back.

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 04/02/2018 18:23

Good luck OP Flowers

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/02/2018 18:46

Your next message:

"Thank you - I look forward to receiving it. I've had a look at the money I've lent you over the years, and it tots up to £XXXXXX. Now that you're clearly back on your feet, can we set up a repayment plan, whereby you pay me back £100 a month?"

Loreleigh · 04/02/2018 18:47

I agree with the majority that you just need to tell her a big fat NO - no more money, via loans or 'gifts' - you are enabling he to be one of the ponces in life who has no problem sponging off others (you) to fund the lifestyle she wants. She is an adult woman and needs to grow up, assess her own finances and live within her own means - she and her partner should find [ more] jobs if they need more money coming in. Tell her you love her but can't afford her.

I'd be suspicious that something else is going on, but I'm suspicious by nature...is her partner putting pressure on her to get money, has she just grown used to sponging and now feels entitled to ponce, is she/ are they gambling, or taking drugs?

Think of your own family, your own needs, your own home, saving for a family holiday etc and stop funding her - good luck and don't fall for any tales of woe/tears/threats - it'll all be bullshit to guilt-trip you.

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/02/2018 18:49

When/if you get the money I think you need to be obviously very relieved and say how much you’ve been worrying about money.

Tell her you need X per month until everything is repaid so that you can afford to get your house looking nice like hers and take the kids on their first holiday.

XmasInTintagel · 04/02/2018 19:01

Well done OP. Your dad wanted you to help her if she was in dire need, but I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to do without holidays or fixing your house for years, while she had both.

I can't believe how selfish she was - you'd think when she thought of booking a trip, she'd think 'but first I should pay back my dear sis, who kindly lent me money'!.

Tapandgo · 04/02/2018 19:06

Stick to your guns - enough is enough.

Mummadeeze · 04/02/2018 19:20

My sister is really rich and I struggle and there has been the very odd occasion over the past ten years when I have asked to borrow between £20 - £50 to help me get through until payday or to pay an unexpected bill but I felt really bad and made sure I paid her back as soon as possible. She told me she didn't need the money back but I paid her anyway out of principle. This is how loving and respectful sisters treat each other. Am so sorry she has been taking advantage of your kindness and I hope you can be brave enough to put a stop to it. Just say 'I am really sorry but I can't afford to help you anymore because we don't have the spare cash'. No one could argue with that.

Ceebs85 · 04/02/2018 19:35

Are you serious?

You need to get fucking angry. She sees you as a cash cow and believes she's deserving of other people's money for no reason.

Time to start saying no or you'll be doing it forever.

Turquoise123 · 04/02/2018 19:51

It does rather read as if you are paying her because if you don't she will be unpleasant to you ?

That's not healthy. Bullying really.

If you are going to find it too hard to say no then you need to come up with some reason e.g that you have money problems .

Or ask your husband for help - he could say no ?

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