To ask the worst thing that's been said to you whilst DTD?

[6079SmithW]

I have been inspired by the highly entertaining responses to my original AIBU? thread!

AIBU to ask what's the worst thing that's ever been said to you whilst DTD?

I was seeing a guy who turned out to be a virgin, I thought all would be fine I will show him the ropes, he was fine until the point of putting the condom on, started to lose his hard on so was giving him a hand, he proceeded to tell me it sounded like a crisp packet rustling there was too much condom

‘You dirty bitch’.

The more I tried to suppress my mirth, the more I giggled.

Giggles are not conducive to DTD.

"Beep beep" whilst squeezing my boobs.

Very young , had had a blazing row in the bedroom, no sex, with then older bf. He was 6ft 7. I stropped downstairs. He came down 5 mins later in my stockings and suspenders 😂. Row forgotten (but stockings really didn't fit or suit him!!)

A few yrs back I had a fwb type arrangement. I knew he preferred bbw but apparently I was 'the skinniest fat bird' he'd ever fancied!! Sure there was a half arsed compliment somewhere there???

Miriam! (Not my name)

Not me but years ago a friend was getting it on with someone after a night out and a few of us were in another room. Because of the layout and lack of doors we could all sort of hear what was going on. He had 2 lines that became legendary 'lie on your back, I can make you happy ' and 'who's the king baby who's the king'. Kept us howling with laughter for months poor chap!

gin I also had a one night stand with a guy called Nobby who had a micro penis! I wonder if it was the same one?

"It's coming..it's coming!"

"It's okay, just carry on" (after he did a massive fart when I was giving him head

"Sorry, did I blind you?" (Self explanatory. )

"Do you like my cack?" (I'm sure he meant cock but he sounded like he said cack.

Leading up to the action he stopped and said 'is it bin day today?'

A relatively new bf stopped dtd to produce a bag of bananas () and made a suggestive eye roll at my fanjo - ah great I said, you brought snacks!! And grabbed one, opened it and had a bite and threw the rest across the room. Had to remain pleasant to get a lift home - had no cash for a taxi!!

I almost forgot about Overly Enthusiastic Virgin Guy, who was red faced and giddy with excitement, kept telling me he was 'just so happy to be here!' and pretended to play the bongos on my arse cheeks. He wasn't as young as you'd imagine.

Farted a proper raspberry trump while I gave a blow job. Didn't even attempt to stop it. Didn't apologise. Didn't even flinch. No hint of embarrassment from him. I was under the duvet!

I obviously resurfaced and politely asked if he wanted me to stop. He angrily replied "No! Why?!"

"Err... well.... you just guffed in my face!"

"So... it's only fart"

And he proceeded to continue farting while I got dressed.

This was a friend of mine years ago... Dtd with new bf him on top suddenly her toddler from nowhere jumped on his back saying “giddy up, giddy up”

I had an ex who would actually make the sound like he was doing a monkey impression / Neanderthal sound when he came ?!? It was so weird it would totally put me off.

ExH, fairly early in our relationship, declined a second go as he didn't like 'yoghurt pot sex!' Should have realised what a selfish dick he was.

He had a hair trigger as well and just when I was getting there (as quickly as I could) he'd shout, 'Stop, stop, stop.' Too selfish to try any 'self help' methods for overcoming premature ejaculation as he 'didn't like wanking.' I have to say his new wife, the OW, is welcome to him. If I ever meet her I'd be very tempted to whisper, 'Stop, stop, stop!' in her ear.

I have been howling with laughter, with tears running down my face at.these wonderfully funny stories. My bladder could take no more when I read 'military position...

Thank you all for such an entertaining read.

Just recently whilst dtd for the first (and last) time with a new partner...he said whilst 'inside'...I must just check the football results, as he grabbed his phone and put the live match on. I was actually lost for words!

Have you finished yet?? No...never!!

"You dirty bitch". Hearing that felt like he had stabbed me.

On another occasion he held me down by my wrists and said "now you can't get away " . I was frightened but pretended I liked it but I dread to think what he would have done had he realised how frightened I was. He had a few kinks, that one.

My fella and I were at when his ex rang up ( she was constantly calling) so I picked up the phone and told her
“Sorry he can’t talk right now I’m sat on his face”
😲

Not me, but a friend. She once had sex with a guy who made "pew pew pew" sounds as he came - like an arcade machine!!

Years ago, ONS, just before putting his dick inside me and said in a sing-song voice:- "Here we go then", to which I responded:- "1,2,3,4". I let him carry on as he had bought me a large döner....

Mum made

Brilliant response!

Mummadd...Damn auto correct!!

Me and ex had a very drunken night out woke up the next morning to him in the highest mood ever finally found out why, I’d fell asleep halfway through DTD

Had a one night stand once and we were half way through DTD and he started to strangle me, I pulled he’s hands away and said I’m not into that for which two seconds later he tried again. Safe to say I never text him back the next day.

Had a one night stand with a Texan.

He seemed to peaking very soon so I started to tell him to slow down, but the moment was upon him...

(Proper mid western drawl) “awww gee, did ya have’ta speak?”

Oh am I sorry, did I ruin your experience??