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AIBU?

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Original poster

To secretly record him?

190 replies

reddingtn · 01/02/2018 13:03

NC for obvious reasons. I recently started driving lessons with a guy who is a friend of a friend. He works for a well known local company.

The thing is, I hate learning with him as he always makes lewd comments. Last lesson he commented that he liked my bra and could see it through my jumper, leaned over me repeatedly to put the windscreen wipers on and off and said my hair smelled nice with a leer. Also brags all his female students are after him blah blah, dirty innuendos etc, threatening to spank me if I don't do x driving skills right at the junction.

He knows my boyfriend, and I've actually got really stroppy at him, saying his language is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful to me and DP, but he still doesn't stop. I'm late 20s he's early 40s if it matters.

I can't cancel as I've paid money upfront for a bulk discount. I am now fed up of him and dreading my next lesson, so wondered about recording him on my phone, as he'll deny anything if I make a complaint to the company. I'm also worried I'll jeopordise future lessons/money paid if I complain before I pass/use up the lessons I've paid for. Has anyone got any ideas on how to handle this?

OP posts:
italiancortado · 02/02/2018 15:49

How naive. I wasn't 'at risk'

Oh. Ok.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/02/2018 15:52

Italian I think you’re wrong. Using the recording as backup will ensure that OP doesnt get fobbed off.

This guy won’t be able to lie his way out of it.

Mishappening · 02/02/2018 15:56

If it is a company rather than an individual, then I cannot see a problem with simply requesting a different instructor. Telling them of his behaviour might spare some other poor woman having to tolerate this nonsense.

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 16:00

Oh. Ok.

If that's sarcasm italian (hard to tell on a forum) I'm not quite sure what 'risk' you thought I was taking?

OP posts:
italiancortado · 02/02/2018 16:04

I didn't post to get dragged into some daft arsed argument. I have repeated that I wanted to make people aware they do not have to go back to gather evidence. Every situation is not the same and while you feel you were not at risk (my 'oh ok' was intended as no further discussion needed) other people may be at risk. It's important for people to know that actually they can report and not feel they need to bring a recording or anything to that.

Jaxhog · 02/02/2018 16:05

I would request another instructor immediately. If the company asks why, tell them. If they don't believe you, tell them you recorded it. Chances are they will give you someone else and sack the guy. They won't want the publicity.

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 16:06

Italian I think you’re wrong. Using the recording as backup will ensure that OP doesnt get fobbed off.

Fair enough, but it's not advised to do this. For what it's worth I understand why the OP did it, but people should not feel they have to do this. That is all.

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 16:12

Agreed italian. My experience though is that relying on 'the system' simply by reporting it normally results in zero Sad

If he was a total stranger I probably wouldn't have done it. The fact he's in my social circle meant I figured (at this early stage anyway) he was just testing boundaries and pushing his luck, so recording at this point was fairly safe. I agree with you though, it's not applicable to most.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/02/2018 16:45

I have to agree sometimes relying on the system doesn’t always work - it really depends on the company.

You can’t assume that it won’t. Good evidence is hard to argue with. If you provide an account of his comments over the period and a recorded sample of his work - they can’t dismiss the former as unsubstantiated or the latter as a one off.

You will have crossed all your is and dotted your ts.

Should women have to do this to make their case heard? absolutely not, but the bottom line is that men often do not belief harassment claims without what they would call proof.

It’s disheartening that he claims similar complaints have been made about other instructors. He may just be justifying his own shit. But I might make the point that if what he says is true you want a full refund not just another instructor!

OnTheRise · 02/02/2018 18:20

I really like the idea of complaining but not letting them know about the recording. But then I'm mean like that.

OP, you should consider reporting this to the police rather than just to his employers. He's nasty.

Shockers · 02/02/2018 22:19

I really wouldn’t share the recording until you know you aren’t being taken seriously with your complaint. Don’t phone; list the comments in an email (then you have written proof of complaint and response). Wait to see the response, then bring in the recording if necessary.

FancyNewBeesly · 02/02/2018 22:36

No - if you record him that means putting yourself in that position again and I really don't think I could do that, I'd already be really shaken up by that behaviour. I'm sure the company will refund you without you having proof, you're not having the lessons.

As the rest of the lessons will be cancelled, he probably will know it's you unfortunately which makes it so difficult, but it's so important that we don't feel awkward about standing up to men like
This - they are bringing it on themselves. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this shit.

FancyNewBeesly · 02/02/2018 22:37

That'll teach me to RTFT! Definitely report the fucker

TheBrilliantMistake · 02/02/2018 22:42

He needs to be reported.
He will be instructing much younger women / girls, and some of whom may be more vulnerable.s a
If not for yourself. do it for other mothers and fathers who might be sending their daughters to this man.

It's absolutely inappropriate.

Ginkypig · 02/02/2018 23:24

Glad you've got the recoding and now feel you can take the complaint forward but more importantly never have to go near him again!

As for Italian. While I agree (very much actually) with what I think your point is that vulnerable women shouldn't feel that they have no choice but to put themselves in dangerous situations to gather evidence before reporting behaviour? Is that right? I think the fact you focused that specifically on the op rather than leave it as a general point blurred things and made it look like you were calling her out and that didn't look good.

DeliberatelyAwkward · 05/02/2018 17:55

How did it go, OP? Have you spoken to the company yet? X

Meowstro · 06/02/2018 00:20

Just RTFT and wondered whether the company have responded. Hope all is well op.

Original poster
reddingtn · 06/02/2018 09:22

Just to update, haven't heard anything back yet. I took pps advice and didn't mention the recording, just listed the incidents and left it quite open as to what I wanted to happen, to see how seriously they will take it. I only emailed yesterday so we'll see!

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 06/02/2018 12:51

Really glad you reported this!

Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:04

Well done! I hope they listen, and I dare say that they are working out what they need to do

a phone call to you to discuss would have been good though... but I dare say legally they have to follow a procedure

neveradullmoment99 · 06/02/2018 20:42

What happened to the lessons? Did you cancel them or do you still have them?

Original poster
reddingtn · 07/02/2018 13:26

I've had 10 hours, due another 15. It's all in WhatsApp conversations so we'll see what he tries to pull 😂

OP posts:
MrsPreston11 · 07/02/2018 13:41

Huge well done to you OP.

Look forward to hearing how the company replies.

Feel like I was lucky to get a genuinely nice guy for my instructor based by some of the things I read on MN!

georgeoutside · 07/02/2018 13:43

It's all in WhatsApp conversations so we'll see what he tries to pull

What is In WhatsApp?

I thought the reason you recorded him was because this was taking place during lessons? Now are you saying he has been sending messages?

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 07/02/2018 13:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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