Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly record him?

190 replies

reddingtn · 01/02/2018 13:03

NC for obvious reasons. I recently started driving lessons with a guy who is a friend of a friend. He works for a well known local company.

The thing is, I hate learning with him as he always makes lewd comments. Last lesson he commented that he liked my bra and could see it through my jumper, leaned over me repeatedly to put the windscreen wipers on and off and said my hair smelled nice with a leer. Also brags all his female students are after him blah blah, dirty innuendos etc, threatening to spank me if I don't do x driving skills right at the junction.

He knows my boyfriend, and I've actually got really stroppy at him, saying his language is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful to me and DP, but he still doesn't stop. I'm late 20s he's early 40s if it matters.

I can't cancel as I've paid money upfront for a bulk discount. I am now fed up of him and dreading my next lesson, so wondered about recording him on my phone, as he'll deny anything if I make a complaint to the company. I'm also worried I'll jeopordise future lessons/money paid if I complain before I pass/use up the lessons I've paid for. Has anyone got any ideas on how to handle this?

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 01/02/2018 13:40

The trouble is that so many people are worried about the fall out from thing, and it means that behaviour like this goes unreported.

Definitely record him - be brave, you can do this

NotReadyToMove · 01/02/2018 13:42

Yep record him and then report.
The fall out should be on him to be so unprofessional and inappropriate.
Atm he is getting away with it because other women are too self concious, worried of what could happen if they talk, ashamed etc....

Daisydaisygivemeyouranswer · 01/02/2018 13:43

COuld your dp go on the lesson with you and sit in the back? If you really don’t want to report him.

Oblomov18 · 01/02/2018 13:43

Record him. Or else he'll deny everything and your'll have no proof.

Falmer · 01/02/2018 13:47

OP, don't be afraid to phone manager. You won't be the only one. The more that report makes it easier for the company to get rid. Also, word gets round and when I went to the new company, they'd already heard of his reputation! So don't worry, there will be others, all saying the same thing as you.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2018 13:50

so I am apprehensive about the fallout from this if I report him
WHY??
He doesn't give a shiny shite about upsetting you or making you feel uncomfortable.
Honestly! Stop being so passive.
Time to stand up for yourself.

Cath2907 · 01/02/2018 13:50

Report him - he is a creep!

HonkyWonkWoman · 01/02/2018 13:52

Sod him! And sod the fall out!
Don't put up with this behaviour, I would complain to his firm and see what they say.

Lashalicious · 01/02/2018 13:52

Yes record him and then report him. Do not let him get away with this! Do not be afraid to do the right thing, no matter how many friends he has. That is almost always the reason abusive people get away with mistreating people, they have surrounded themselves with allies and so the victim is intimidated. Speak out sooner rather than later and say it LOUD.

CassandraCross · 01/02/2018 13:53

Record, report to the company he works for, find out if he is affiliated to any Driving Instructor Associations and report him there as well.

The only way to stop this kind of behaviour and for the message to sink in that it is totally unacceptable is to call it out and report it. If he suffers as a consequence, tough, he knows what he is doing is wrong.

CassandraCross · 01/02/2018 13:59

If there is fall-out hold your head high and simply reiterate that if he didn't want to be called out as a pervy creep he shouldn't have behaved like one.

WatercolourFlower · 01/02/2018 14:00

Oh my gosh this sounds so much like the situation I was in. Please, please just cancel on him and complain and get your money back. Eventually he started to try and touch me, after weeks of making inappropriate and lewd comments, I just thought that was enough, and it was really crossing a line. Just out of interest, are you in the Essex area? Obviously you don't have to say if you don't want to, but honestly it sounds very similar to my experience.

UnicornRainbows · 01/02/2018 14:06

Please record and report him. Think of all the young girls taking lessons who will be totally intimidated by him. You'd never forgive yourself if he took things too far one day and assaulted someone. You sound like you have the balls to stand up to him on all those girls behalves!

EverythingIsAwwwwsome · 01/02/2018 14:06

I also had this 20 years ago. I was a very shy 17 year old and would sit and listen to a 40 year old perverts fantasies and sex life details during our lessons. I wish id had the confidence to report him. The last time I saw him he directed me to quiet layby where he asked me to run away with him to Australia and said he'd like to meet my parents! I'd definately record him just so you have evidence in the event of the company not believing you or trying to down play what's been going on. Oh and bloody good for you for having the bottle to do something too. Good luck.

Hissy · 01/02/2018 14:07

I agree, you need to record him, and then report him to the highest person you can in the company he works for.

How much money are you owed?

Hissy · 01/02/2018 14:08

Imagine, you are late 20s, the majority of his female students will be 17 years old.

TatianaLarina · 01/02/2018 14:15

Yes, record him, then report him with all his other comments in full. I hope you can get your money back or get a different instructor.

BewareOfDragons · 01/02/2018 14:15

Please record him. Then play it for his company and demand a complete refund. Find another company.

I hope they fire him, frankly. Inexcusable, disgusting behaviour.

Ginkypig · 01/02/2018 14:20

I can't tell you to record him but if it were me in your situation I would

Absolutely report him. It's horrible that the responsibility falls to you but your right he will do this to other young women and remember quite a few of them will be just turned 17 and probably not have the confidence or social skills to know how to handle a 40 something man sexually harassing them.

Any bad fallout you get from anyone for reporting this prove to you that the people are not worthy of knowing you. Anyone who would treat you badly are as bad as him (so disgusting) and it will be a great lesson to learn because then you can cut them out!

In terms of your lessons, if he works through a company I would expect a full refund or at the very least a different instructor.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

Ginkypig · 01/02/2018 14:21

I don't know if this will help but I found this link.

www.gov.uk/complain-about-a-driving-instructor

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/02/2018 14:26

Yep. Record him

MiniAlphaBravo · 01/02/2018 14:27

The fall out would be on him shown to be a dirty pervert and I'm sure a lot of people would respect you for speaking out and preventing him from assaulting young girls, like one of my friends when she was 17.

If people are off with you for reporting then they are clearly idiots who are not worth bothering with.

I would definitely record him and record yourself saying that you find his behaviour inappropriate and unwanted, if you can.

Is he self employed or working for a big firm? If the latter you should easily get an refund and they will want to know they are employing a sexual predator and enabling him access to women and girls.

DesertSky · 01/02/2018 14:31

He sounds just like one of the instructors I had when I was learning. Made dirty jokes constantly which made me feel uncomfortable, asked what my bra size was, and to top it off he made me stop down a dark unlit street where I pulled over so he could have a pee in a bush! He came back to car and put his hand over my hand to change the gears - urgggh! My husband was furious when he found out about all this. He phone him to say don’t come around anymore. The instructor kept calling my phone but I ignored it. I did think about reporting him but had just found out I was pregnant and couldn’t deal with the stress of it. I hadn’t paid upfront I don’t think so thankfully didn’t loose money. I changed driving instructors and found a lovely respectful man, luckily!
Good luck to you x

gillybeanz · 01/02/2018 14:31

I had a really racist instructor once, who called another woman "Jungle bunny" to me. he threatened to rap my knuckles with a ruler if I got it wrong.
One slap from him and I was out of the car and his keys were in the brooke, we lived in the country.
I called dh to come and pick me up, leaving him wading through the brooke to find his keys.
he worked for AA so I called, reported, got free lessons.
Don't know what happened to him.

tinkerella1 · 01/02/2018 14:39

He's done it before - no doubt about that. You have all the dates of when you had lessons so look through them and think about which remarks he said and when. Call the company and speak to the highest manager or owner then read through each date and what he said you in each lesson. Tell them how much you dread your lessons and fear it will escalate to something else more serious. With that I'm sure you will have no problem in getting your money back. Don't feel like you need to go through any more to collect evidence - you already have it. You really don't want to be getting back in a car with him - and imagine your nerves because you know you're recording it. Take your time to get all your facts and times straight then make the call with the notes in front of you . If you can; record the call to the company. And just because you know him vaguely shouldn't put you off reporting. Blokes like this always seem to rely on this as some kind of power play over you but they are inherently cowardly so report without fear then leave it to his employer to sort him out. It will be a tough call to the company but you'll feel so much better when you get your money back don't have to get in a car with him again. I reported an instructor (not driving but a similar perve) and the company refunded and continued my lessons. They said they always knew there was something odd about him (nobody liked him) but never had anything to go on - they were more than happy to sack him. And probably relieved I didn't sue...

Swipe left for the next trending thread