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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To secretly record him?

190 replies

reddingtn · 01/02/2018 13:03

NC for obvious reasons. I recently started driving lessons with a guy who is a friend of a friend. He works for a well known local company.

The thing is, I hate learning with him as he always makes lewd comments. Last lesson he commented that he liked my bra and could see it through my jumper, leaned over me repeatedly to put the windscreen wipers on and off and said my hair smelled nice with a leer. Also brags all his female students are after him blah blah, dirty innuendos etc, threatening to spank me if I don't do x driving skills right at the junction.

He knows my boyfriend, and I've actually got really stroppy at him, saying his language is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful to me and DP, but he still doesn't stop. I'm late 20s he's early 40s if it matters.

I can't cancel as I've paid money upfront for a bulk discount. I am now fed up of him and dreading my next lesson, so wondered about recording him on my phone, as he'll deny anything if I make a complaint to the company. I'm also worried I'll jeopordise future lessons/money paid if I complain before I pass/use up the lessons I've paid for. Has anyone got any ideas on how to handle this?

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/02/2018 11:41

Now report him. Report the shit out of him.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/02/2018 11:42

Well done op, he sounds disgusting.

WashingMatilda · 02/02/2018 11:50

Well done OP. What he's doing is disgusting not to mention illegal (I'm a police officer and have locked men up for less than this)

Is it loud enough on the recording? You hear him clearly? Will you tell the company today?

JaneyGotAGun · 02/02/2018 11:58

Well done for recording him- you do need proof otherwise it's just your word against his.

I had this with my driving instructor about 10 years ago (I actually thought it was the same one as yours as so similar but this guy was 60's and I was 20)

I didn't have the confidence to ever say anything to him but then he started phoning me at work which is where he used to pick me up for my lessons. He would say the most obscene things to me down the phone which is when I switched instructors and reported him to the police. They wrote up a report but said they could only give him a warning as they didn't have evidence Sad

whiskyowl · 02/02/2018 12:04

@WashingMatilda Should the OP take this to the police as well as to the company?

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 12:14

I've listened to the recording; it's really clear. I'm going to go through it and make a note of each time he says something inappropriate and draft an email to the head of the company over the weekend.

OP posts:
BouncingIntoGraceland · 02/02/2018 12:22

Well done! I would like to say though, that what he did and said today was that bad.
Not being as bad as last time doesn't make today better.

By the very nature of his job this man has repeated periods of unsupervised contact with 17 year olds. They are legally children.

He is a predator.

ohfortuna · 02/02/2018 12:24

What a vile man I hope he gets what he deserves

ohfortuna · 02/02/2018 12:25

However I think there may be some issues with secretly recording him I'm not sure if it's admissible as evidence?

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 12:26

Do you really think so bouncing? Maybe I am minimising a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 12:27

It's not admissible in court but the company won't be able to ignore it now.

OP posts:
ohfortuna · 02/02/2018 12:29

He's trying to groom you he's minimising predatory behaviour
Pushing at your boundaries bit by bit, making a joke of things

Begrateful · 02/02/2018 12:30

OP he is the reason you are now in this position and feeling nervous. His actions as you've explained is unprofessional and inappropriate.

You've told him how uncomfortable his behaviour makes you feel and asked him to stop yet he still behaves like that to you - clearly he has no respect for you. Do you think he is worried about how this behaviour will affect his social circle or income? Maybe not as he is still doing it.

Don't you consider yourself worthy of respect or is worrying affect your social circle more important?

Maybe he sees you as someone who is passive and won't blow the whistle on him.

Best thing you can do to men like him is to report them. This will help to break the cycle and save another woman from being a victim.

BouncingIntoGraceland · 02/02/2018 12:31

Yes I do.

He has a portion of trust with (I would assume) mostly minors and young adults.

Comments, touching, sniffing (Hmm Shock Angry) are all hugely inappropriate and at least one is sexual assault.

You have been brave enough to call him out.
Many will not.

glitterbiscuits · 02/02/2018 12:45

Well done OP! You have probably saved a lot of others being put through the same crap!

TatianaLarina · 02/02/2018 12:47

Include in your summary a detailed list of all the other inappropriate things he’s said in your other lessons, so it can’t be dismissed as a one off.

ohfortuna · 02/02/2018 12:47

What he is doing is learning what works refining his techniques
he will use all this to more effectively target his next victim

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 13:56

Gone through the whole recording. It's quite a chilling listen. Particularly the sniffing incident. You can hear him sniffing and I shout 'what the fuck?! Don't sniff me!' I could easily have lost control of the car at that point.

OP posts:
FelixCited · 02/02/2018 14:03

Sounds horrendous, definitely report him, not for only for justice for you but also all the other people who got in that car.

M00nUnit · 02/02/2018 14:17

God poor you OP. Well done for getting the recording and I hope your complaint gets taken seriously - because it IS serious! You should get a full refund and he should get the sack.

neveradullmoment99 · 02/02/2018 14:20

Hi there. Just make sure that sharing what you have recorded isn't a criminal offence. Keep yourself right. As far as I know, recording someone is legal but the difficulty is when you share the recording with someone else without the persons permission you could legally get yourself into all sorts of hot water legally.

neveradullmoment99 · 02/02/2018 14:22

I really would not share the recording with someone else as it may be an offence. You need to check first.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/02/2018 14:25

That's fucking vile. Well done for doing this. I'd hate to think of a 17 yo in a car with him.

beluga425 · 02/02/2018 14:28

Do not share the recording yet. Complain first. Wait for an outcome and then let them know you have a recording. That way, if he lies initially, he will really put himself in the shit.

Original poster
reddingtn · 02/02/2018 14:29

I doubt I'll need to share the recording. Having it and quoting it will probably be enough if the company are in any way half decent. No one else knows about any of this except DP and the instructor at this point.

OP posts: