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AIBU?

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Original poster

To secretly record him?

190 replies

reddingtn · 01/02/2018 13:03

NC for obvious reasons. I recently started driving lessons with a guy who is a friend of a friend. He works for a well known local company.

The thing is, I hate learning with him as he always makes lewd comments. Last lesson he commented that he liked my bra and could see it through my jumper, leaned over me repeatedly to put the windscreen wipers on and off and said my hair smelled nice with a leer. Also brags all his female students are after him blah blah, dirty innuendos etc, threatening to spank me if I don't do x driving skills right at the junction.

He knows my boyfriend, and I've actually got really stroppy at him, saying his language is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful to me and DP, but he still doesn't stop. I'm late 20s he's early 40s if it matters.

I can't cancel as I've paid money upfront for a bulk discount. I am now fed up of him and dreading my next lesson, so wondered about recording him on my phone, as he'll deny anything if I make a complaint to the company. I'm also worried I'll jeopordise future lessons/money paid if I complain before I pass/use up the lessons I've paid for. Has anyone got any ideas on how to handle this?

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 01/02/2018 14:55

Record him, report him. Any driving instructor provider would drop him streight away. They rely on people's trust that young women will be respected and safe. They would not tolerate it one bit and I have no doubt they'll be more than good when it comes to the money side.

SwarmOfCats · 01/02/2018 15:02

Definitely report him. If not for yourself, for the countless women who will be alone with him in the future.

Smarmydrippings · 01/02/2018 15:16

Do it. I would. And sorry that you have had this experience Flowers

Original poster
reddingtn · 01/02/2018 15:27

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to report him without proof as he will simply deny it. I'll record him on my next lesson tomorrow and go from there. If he wasn't in my social circle I wouldn't hesitate to report him, but if he gets fired etc I really don't need the gossip as he won't be happy. I'm really nervous now!

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/02/2018 16:11

Don't be nervous love, this is not your wrongdoing. You don't deserve to have this happen to you

CassandraCross · 01/02/2018 16:12

Don't be nervous, you are not in the wrong. If he's not happy or there is gossip remember and repeat ad nauseam to anyone who says anything that you have nothing to be ashamed of, he on the other hand.

You have already given him enough warnings about his conduct towards you, he isn't listening and he doesn't care, he may start to care when he faces the consequences but he made the choice not to beforehand.

OnTheRise · 01/02/2018 16:14

You've got nothing to be nervous of. He is the one in the wrong, not you.

Record him and then report him. Don't complain to him, complain to his boss. And report him to whatever organisation it is that driving instructors have to belong to.

I hate people who take advantage like that. You're doing well to sort him out.

expatmigrant · 01/02/2018 17:27

reddingtn you must report asap. This is proper sexual harassment and do not forget that he will also be teaching young girls that have barely had their 17th birthday. As soon as his behaviour becomes known in the local community other females will no doubt be coming forward.

TatianaLarina · 01/02/2018 18:01

He may not be fired - he may be monitored, sent on a course, given a chance to change.

Bottom line it’s totally unacceptable and he needs to be made aware of it, and his employers need to know.

Original poster
reddingtn · 01/02/2018 18:49

That's what I'm hoping tbh. I'm dreading tomorrow. Ive come across twats with no boundaries before but just walk away. I can't confined alone in a car with him for two hours Sad

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 01/02/2018 19:04

Raw garlic for tea OP Grin. Well done though in all seriousness, he has to be stopped.

OnTheRise · 01/02/2018 19:10

The raw garlic idea is great.

But I'd probably report him now, because two hours in a car with someone you're worried about could well be dangerous. I don't mean dangerous in that he'll assault you: you're a learner driver, you don't need this distraction. Phone the driving school first thing tomorrow and tell them you want a new teacher or all your money back. You can't risk this.

Allthewaves · 01/02/2018 19:25

I'd get someone else to sit in the back for a couple of lessons

Original poster
reddingtn · 01/02/2018 20:44

My lessons are during the day whilst everyone else including DP is at work so this isn't really possible

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/02/2018 23:05

My love, record him and know that you’ll have the whole of mumsnet in the backseat with you.

It’s going to be a bit of a squeeze and a squash, but we’re all there...

If you can just pass me the seat belt...

Ginkypig · 02/02/2018 00:47

I'm out tomorrow but when I get a chance il look in on the thread and post support (from the back seat) what time is your lesson?

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 01:05

This came up a few weeks ago.

You dont mess about recording a lesson. You don't go back. You report him. I can't understand why anyone would go through harassment like this by choice?

WellThisIsShit · 02/02/2018 04:35

Good luck today

StrongerThanIThought76 · 02/02/2018 06:09

Op if your lesson is for 2 hours today you can always cut it short and insist on driving home. Headache or dizziness or something? That way you can claim some control back (especially if you have recorded any inappropriate behaviour by that point).

Either way you don't need this creep in your life.

SabineUndine · 02/02/2018 06:17

Report him to DVSA. Years ago my driving instructor told me that stuff like this is taken very seriously. As you can learn to drive at 17 in the UK it has to be.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/02/2018 06:20

Everyone is saying record him but what if he finds out?

Oscarsdaddy · 02/02/2018 06:29

With the recent historical Sex offences coming out and being reported in the news over recent years I just wonder how many women (and possibly some men) have had to put up with stuff like this from driving instructors over the years? Basically it’s an excuse for a dirty old man to be alone with an attractive girl in a car for an hour. Stuff like this if still going on these days should be reported instantly

Lulusmother · 02/02/2018 06:39

This reminds me of my driving instructor when I was 20. Friend of parents, 1985. He used to put his hand on my knee and say "gently off the clutch"..... 😡 Never told my parents... ugh, so I feel your pain, particularly as you're in a confined space. You got a friend who could sit in the back ?

bunbunny · 02/02/2018 06:56

If you do decide to record him, have a quick check if you can beforehand. So, if you're going to use your phone at the top of your bag, or in a coat pocket or whatever, have you got a car you can put. The recording device in the back and you can sit in the front with the engine on and say a few things while sitting in both of the front seats, then check how good the quality is?

You don't want to do it only to discover you've recorded 2 hours of engine noise and you can't hear the speaking...

So try it out and check that it will work, and see if there's anything you can do to improve it. Maybe having something hard like a book next to or under it will help. Or needing the bag open. Or who knows - might take a bit of experimentation.

Also - remember that it won't see things and you might not pick up things like him reaching across you as a sound.

So every time he does something inappropriate try to comment on it - so long as it doesn't distract from your driving! Things like 'why do you need to lean across me to put the wipers on? You're making me very uncomfortable. I can do that myself confidently, just ask'. Then ramp it up to I have already asked you not to lean against me to do that, please stop as it's unsafe'; 'how many times do I need to tell you that you are being massively inappropriate. Just stop it'. And so on.

good luck!

Shockers · 02/02/2018 07:04

Please just tell the company what he has been saying to you. You don’t need to record him; he will have form for this already.

My friend’s DD has just learnt to drive. She has been sexually abused by a friend of her father and has attempted suicide in the wake of that.

This man could be an enormous trigger for someone less robust than you.