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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To secretly record him?

190 replies

reddingtn · 01/02/2018 13:03

NC for obvious reasons. I recently started driving lessons with a guy who is a friend of a friend. He works for a well known local company.

The thing is, I hate learning with him as he always makes lewd comments. Last lesson he commented that he liked my bra and could see it through my jumper, leaned over me repeatedly to put the windscreen wipers on and off and said my hair smelled nice with a leer. Also brags all his female students are after him blah blah, dirty innuendos etc, threatening to spank me if I don't do x driving skills right at the junction.

He knows my boyfriend, and I've actually got really stroppy at him, saying his language is inappropriate, rude and disrespectful to me and DP, but he still doesn't stop. I'm late 20s he's early 40s if it matters.

I can't cancel as I've paid money upfront for a bulk discount. I am now fed up of him and dreading my next lesson, so wondered about recording him on my phone, as he'll deny anything if I make a complaint to the company. I'm also worried I'll jeopordise future lessons/money paid if I complain before I pass/use up the lessons I've paid for. Has anyone got any ideas on how to handle this?

OP posts:

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/02/2018 14:29

This a good idea cupofcake

OP posts:

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/02/2018 14:29

That's*!

OP posts:

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 02/02/2018 14:33

Well done OP. That took guts.

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 14:36

This is utterly bonkers. To continue to have lessons with someone who harasses you and record one with no intention of using the recording. Just stop going and report the pervert fgs.

The last thread like this, not so long ago, went round in bloody circles too with the OP making excuses for continuing. There is never a reason strong enough to return to a lesson where you have been subjected to something like this. As soon as it happened once you should report it. And not go back.

Personal safety first and foremost.

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/02/2018 14:45

Have you ever been sexual harassed italian? I have. Men like this know that if anything ever comes out they can deny it and it is one word against the other. The woman is made to feel like she is lying and the man gets off scot free. That has been my experience.

Regardless of your opinion, I feel I have done the right thing today. I can check the legalities of using the recording if it comes to it.

OP posts:

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 14:50

Have you ever been sexual harassed italian? I have. Men like this know that if anything ever comes out they can deny it and it is one word against the other. The woman is made to feel like she is lying and the man gets off scot free. That has been my experience.

So if you have been harassed before why did you not learn for it and put a stop to this guy straight away? By your own admission you hate the lessons but you continued to go back. I'm not blaming you for his actions, but it is important for anyone else reading this to know that the correct course of action is to report and not return.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 14:53

Sweetheart, you don't need to go through and note down anything, you have lived through it once, that's once too many times.

The recording can speak for you.

Email the company with the recording and then copy and paste what you have told us he's done.

this is not a court matter as it stands, you are making a complaint about an instructor to the company he works for, what you have sent is enough for a regular employee to be dismissed for gross misconduct. If he chooses to sue them, that's up to him, but a tribunal is a public session where anyone can attend - members of the press, public, people from the small town, family...

Please email the file to the company and leave it with them, if you get no-where, look at that gov.uk link up the thread a little way to make a complaint about an instructor.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 14:53

Sweetheart, you don't need to go through and note down anything, you have lived through it once, that's once too many times.

The recording can speak for you.

Email the company with the recording and then copy and paste what you have told us he's done.

Please email the file to the company and leave it with them, if you get no-where, look at that gov.uk link up the thread a little way to make a complaint about an instructor.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 14:58

So if you have been harassed before why did you not learn for it and put a stop to this guy straight away?

Tread carefully italiancortado, that looks an AWFUL lot like victim blaming from where I'm sitting.

People like this man are accomplished charmers, well prepared to know what to say to discredit the women they target, they will be believable. IF there is a culture of sexual harassment within the organisation, a recording will go a LONG way to shutting down whatever bollocks he tries to come up with.

Much as I hated the idea of this young woman having to spend another second with this slug, one more lesson to get the proof she needs is understandable - especially when there are friendships and small town mentalities at play here.

Noloudnoises · 02/02/2018 15:00

Very clever OP. And hugely self-sacrificing for you to go back and get evidence. Then there is absolutely no wriggle room for him. I applaud you and hope he gets his just desserts. If the manager of the company fails you in any way then I would get the police involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2018 15:04

Way to blame the woman for the man's actions italian. Yuk.

Good for you OP, well done.

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 15:10

Tread carefully italiancortado, that looks an AWFUL lot like victim blaming from where I'm sitting.

Way to blame the woman for the man's actions italian. Yuk.

Oh come on, I was clear to the point where I said * I'm not blaming you for his actions*, but it is important that other peil who may find themselves in this situation know that they do not have to go back.

Weezol · 02/02/2018 15:11

Italian Victim blaming? In 2018, really?

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 15:11

Italian Victim blaming? In 2018, really?

Taking one line and ignoring the crucial 'I AM NOT BLAMING YOU' part. Really?

Tensecondrule · 02/02/2018 15:11

The thing is, you can guarantee he will be doing this to other women, some of whom will be younger or less confident about reporting him. Do it for them if not just for yourself.

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/02/2018 15:14

I didn't have to go back. I could have just quit. Then he would do it to someone else. Or I could have quit and complained to the company. Most likely been fobbed off as some CF after a refund and he'd get a slap on the wrist or nothing. And then he'd do it to someone else. You might be able to have that on your conscience italian but I couldn't.

OP posts:

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 15:17

It wouldn't be on my conscience. If I report someone for sexual hate and they get away with it that is on the conscience of the person who made that decision. Not mine. Vulnerable people do not need to put themselves at risk in order to be on a personal crusade to prove anything. You report and it goes to the relevant authority. Not my conscience, not yours.

Original poster

reddingtn · 02/02/2018 15:21

How naive. I wasn't 'at risk'. I just sat through one last two hours of bullshit in order to ensure he gets what he deserves and doesn't get away with it.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 02/02/2018 15:23

Interestingly he also said on the recording that complaints have been made about other drivers for the same thing!

He's minimising isnt he ? Basically telling you not to complain as it goes on all the time

TeatimeForTheSoul · 02/02/2018 15:25

Huge respect for you Reddingtn for having the courage to go back and get the evidence ... and hopefully your refund.
I suffered workplace harassment years ago. The witnesses refused to speak up and I was young and too afraid to pursue it (some may judge me, I don’t care). It still frustrates me to this day that he got away with it. So, good for you OP from someone who wasn’t as brave.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 15:25

I'm not blaming you for his actions, but

Sounds an AWFUL lot like I'm not being racist/sexist/rude...BUT

morningconstitutional2017 · 02/02/2018 15:25

No-one should put up with this. Phone the company and tell them what you've told us. At the very least they should give you another instructor. He's a disgrace to the profession. If this isn't possible could you get your partner to accompany you on lessons? He could sit at the back - my very nice instructor allowed this.

newsparklythings · 02/02/2018 15:27

Report!

I had an instructor not so different to this years ago, put me off so much I quit lessons didn't say anything.. it was 10 years before I got back behind the wheel and with a female instructor. Horrible.

Hissy · 02/02/2018 15:27

the other issue at play is that this creep is a friend of a friend, so there would be repercussions potentially beyond a simple Instructor I Hired who was a creep so I reported him.

People like him are manipulative and know what to say when they are caught. this guy is preying on young women who are a captive audience, both in terms of the vehicle and the up front block booking.

italiancortado · 02/02/2018 15:48

Sounds an AWFUL lot like I'm not being racist/sexist/rude...BUT

Context. The but was followed by 'its important for anyone else reading this to know that the correct course of action is to report and not return.'

That's quite reasonable when you read it in full. I just want to warn people that they just need to stop these things and report these people. Nobody has to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation to gather evidence.

I was very clear I was not blaming the OP for the instructors actions. But as per usual people jump on one sentence and ignore the rest.

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